Fetish? What's A Fetish?
by Serac
Summary: Naruto must learn about something. Something that will change his life, and the lives of those around him. Whether it be for the better or worse remains to be seen but, either way, Naruto is going to learn about sex. Not Yaoi. Seriously, cut that out.
1. Defining Sex

_-----Author's note: Ah, it's probably a bad idea for me to start yet another story, but here I am. I've decided that the lack of love in Konoha makes me mad, and I've also decided that I'm going to do something about it. This story will be mostly comedy but should I decide on anything else, power to me._

_Story specs to see if you will enjoy it: 1. This story will take place before Sasuke goes to Orochimaru, which places it before the time skip. 2. Naruto and Sasuke will be the main characters, each with their own 'objectives'. 3. There will be perverted stuff. It's intended to be funny, but some people don't think so. If you're one of these people, I'm sorry that you can't enjoy the awesomeness._

_I may or may not up this to an 'M' rating. I've never written an 'M' rated story, but I like getting as damn close as possible to it._

_All of that now said, I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"...Uh...I don't know what that is..."

"...You're kidding me, right? Please tell me that was a joke."

"No...I'm...pretty not joking. I mean...well, should I know what it is? If I don't, it can't be that important."

"That may very well have been the dumbest thing you've ever said. Naruto, how in the world can you not know what sex is?"

"Well, hell, I ask you a simple question, and you go and turn it into a confusing mess! Just tell me what it is so I can get it."

Hatake Kakashi was walking down the streets of Konoha with his student, even though he was feeling less and less like his student. Jiraiya had pretty much taken over. That was part of why he found it so hard to believe that Naruto didn't know what sex was. It looked like the unpleasant mission of teaching the blonde had fallen upon him, as he had no parents to do the dirty work. Ninjas didn't exactly get a sex ed class, either. Where would they put it? In-between assassination 101 and weapons training 224? ...Actually, weapons training could probably be implemented...

"Hey! Quit spacing out!" Naruto shouted, punching Kakashi in the shoulder to get his attention back.

The copy ninja rubbed the spot on his arm, "You know, Naruto, when you asked me what Hinata might want from you for her birthday, and I said sex, it was mostly a joke. I thought you would get it, and we'd just have a quick laugh."

"See? 'Mostly' a joke. That means that you think a part of her does want me to give her sex. I mean, I don't want to get her a crappy present she doesn't want. She's always so nice to everybody, so I should get her something really good!" Naruto pumped a fist into the air, "Besides, I bet Lee my gift would be better, so I need to give her the best thing I can think of!"

"Well, you would definitely win that bet if...ugh, wait! Naruto, no! I was just kidding, so let it go." At first, Kakashi thought that maybe he should be the one to tell Naruto about the birds and the bees. Now, he was having second thoughts. That sounded like more of a job for Iruka. Or even Jiraiya, as twisted as that might turn out. Hell, Anko would probably get the job done better than he had the mind to. Hm...having a woman teach him about sex just might be the way to go...

Shikamaru Nara spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto say, "I'm never gonna leave you alone if you don't tell me where to get some sex!" He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. That was a little too troublesome to become a part of.

"Ok, look. I'll make a deal with you. Go and ask some other adults about it, and if you can't get a solid answer out of anyone, then I'll fill you in..." Kakashi groaned, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why adults?"

"Well, because...it's part of the deal, that's why. Now get out of here."

And Naruto was off to ask what sex was.

-

_Question: What is sex? Answers received:_

Old lady selling umbrellas on the street: "Sex is a dirty, dirty thing that you must never, ever do! You'll get diseases!"

_Information obtained: Sex is an activity, and will result in sickness._

Mr. Ichiraku: "What? Is that why you keep coming here? Naruto, if you ever so much as touch Ayame, I'll cut off your hands and any other appendages that may or may not have touched her! Do you understand?"

_Information obtained: Sex involves touching, and makes men very, very mad. It would appear to involve a girl, because Mr. Ichiraku didn't seem concerned for himself, at all._

Ayame, about five seconds later: "Hey, leave him alone! Naruto, sex is what a man and a woman do when they love each other. They...uh...well, they kind of...get naked and, uh...start bouncing around...do you understand? Oh, forget it, just get out of here before I get mad!"

_Information obtained: Sex definitely involves girls, possibly one girl and one boy at a time. You must be naked to do sex, it sounded. Then you bounce around, thus engaging in the sex. Love may have something to do with it, but that sounded like a joke. It seemed to make women mad, too._

Kurenai: "Sex is how women say sorry after making a mistake. Sex is also how men prove they are the weaker sex. Over and over again..." She sighed, walking away while muttering to herself and shaking her head.

_Information obtained: The sex is used as an apology, and makes women stronger than men. Over and over again._

Iruka: "Where the hell did that come from? Uh...well, you see...sex is a special thing that a man and a woman do when they are deep in love, and want to express their love for one another. Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you don't have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say 'do sex'?"

_Information obtained: You need to wear protective gear to do sex. How is that possible if you have to be naked, though? The sex sounds like a real confusing mess, so far._

Anko: "Ha, ha, you really want to know? How about you come home with me and I'll show you?"

_Information obtained: DO NOT go to Anko's house. She'll get naked and is hard to get away from. ...Chains and whips, apparently, play a role in the dangerous activity known as the sex._

Gai: "Sex is the most youthful of all youthful things! Youthful young girls are like beautiful lotus blossoms, and it is the job of youthful young men to un-blossom them! To spread the seeds of youth for the future generations to grow, and be even more youthful! It is a cycle, Naruto, a cycle of youth."

_Information obtained: Gai either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack. _

Tsunade: "Ha! Ha, ha, ha...That is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard! Ha, ha...Oh, God, my stomach, ow...It's also kinda sad. You're getting pretty old. Ask Shizune, she'll tell you."

_Information obtained: It's sad that I don't know what the sex is._

Shizune: "Well, sex is how babies are made. Moms and dads, when they decide they're ready, have sex so that the woman gets pregnant, and haves the baby nine months later. ...You don't know how to have sex? ...Uh...I have a...thing I need to go do. Right now, see ya!"

_Information obtained: Babies are made because of the sex. Not sure how that happens, but ok. Maybe it's one of the diseases that the old lady mentioned that causes women to get pregnant? That was a disease he seriously didn't want to get. The risk for men must be low, because he had never seen a pregnant man. Lastly, Shizune runs really, really fast._

Genma: "How Shizune vents. ...Dammit, forget I said that! No, really, forget about that, seriously! Here, money for lunch, my treat. Please, don't repeat that, ever!"

_Information obtained: The sex is used to vent. Also, it is a good way to get free things. Like lunch! Altering question to test this theory._

_Question: How much does sex cost? Answer received:_

Asuma: "Depends on the girl. Some want a forty dollar date, others want a trip to some islands, or something. Thing is, sex never comes free. There's always some kind of strings attached to it, she always wants something. That's a pretty good question to be asking so young, kid, I'm impressed."

_Information obtained: Girls do the sex with people because they want something. I wonder if guys do that, too? Maybe I could do the sex with a girl so she buys me ramen... But how can you give the sex to someone for a present if they only do it with you if they want something from you? The sex is full of messed up logic. Well, that should be enough trying. Back to Kakashi-sensei..._

-

"Well? You're all good now, right?" Kakashi asked wearily, wondering exactly how Naruto had found him out in the training grounds, hiding up in one of the innumerable trees. Damn those ninja tracking skills, damn them to hell.

Naruto shook his head 'no', drawing out a groan from Kakashi.

"Well, what DID you learn?"

"Ok, well, this is what I've got so far: Sex is an activity between a man and a woman, in which they get naked and bounce around the room together. You have to wear protective gear, or else you'll get diseases and pregnant, but at the same time, you have to be naked. It makes guys and girls mad to talk about, and Anko is a scary, scary woman. Don't go to her house, seriously. Um...Oh, people use sex to get things they want, like ramen and money. Some people use sex to 'vent', I guess because it's dangerous and takes their minds off of their problems. Oh, almost forgot: Women use sex to say 'sorry', but I don't know why. Last, if I ever need drugs for any reason, I'll go find Gai," Naruto concluded, sitting beside his teacher up in the tree.

Letting out a sigh that was hidden under the onset of a gentle breeze, Kakashi mumbled, "The saddest part of that whole thing is that some of it was pretty accurate. You still don't know how to have sex, though?"

Naruto shook his head, "Which means you have to tell me, now!"

Kakashi nodded a little, reaching into his ninja gear bag and pulling out a tape, which he handed to Naruto, "I figured it would come to this, so I was prepared. That will explain everything. That's all I'm going to say."

"'Night of the Ninja, the Second Coming'?" Naruto read the title aloud, wondering why the box for it was completely black. No pictures or description or anything.

"Uh-huh. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of avoiding you to do now, so I'll be leaving," With those words, the copy ninja vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto alone to wonder what the tape held. The VCR in his apartment was waiting for him, and he had something to feed it.

_-----Author's other note: Looking over this, it may very well need to be bumped up to 'M'. Well, if other people say so, I guess I will. I don't know, though. If you're thirteen, chances are you know everything in here already. Oh, by the way, I don't advocate drugs. Crack is supposed to be dangerous, so watch it._

_Anyway, this is just an introduction to Naruto learning about sex, and seeing what he does with the newfound knowledge. Sasuke will be in the next chapter, I believe, and his role will be established._

_I don't know exactly if this story is worth continuing, but if enough people enjoy it, I'll keep going. I appreciate all reviews I may get, even if it's to tell me what a perverted jackass I am. ...Don't think I've been called that, yet, but give it time. Thanks for reading...-----_


	2. That's What That Happens For?

_-----Author's note: Here's hoping '07 treats you guys right. Kick off what I hope is a kick ass year for everybody! I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Panting...

Gasping...

Sweating...

Contact...HARD contact. Hard enough to send Naruto crashing to the ground on top of the person he had just run into. In his fevered running all the way from the training grounds to his destination, his apartment, the blonde had managed to not look where he was going, and plowed straight into Sakura Haruna. As is typical of such a situation, the tape he had in his hot little hand was sent tumbling to the ground a few feet away, and he found himself on top of her.

The pink-haired genin let out a surprised yelp as she was pinned under a sweaty body that no doubt had impure intentions for her. It took her about a microsecond to bring her knee up hard and fast in-between her attacker's legs, shouting, "Not today you sicko!" Eyes clenched shut as she did so, she thrust her fist up into the person's throat, effectively sending him a few feet into the air.

The genin rolled up and away, a kunai in hand as she prepared to finish off her no doubt crippled enemy. Realization began to set in when she found that it was Naruto lying on the ground, gasping for air and curled up into a ball.

"Naruto? It was only you...Why the hell don't you watch where you're going?" She snapped, pointing at him like he had done something wrong. Not that she had just castrated him with her knee, or dealt him one to the throat, no.

The blonde gurgled a weak response, trying hard not to vomit as he fought back convulsions and continued to lay there in his misery.

"Quit being such a baby, I didn't hit you that hard..." As she continued to look down at him, she began to feel something she seriously didn't like. Remorse. She was feeling bad for hurting him, especially since it had only been an accident, after all. Naruto might be an idiot, but he wouldn't ever hurt her on purpose... "I-I mean...Naruto, are you ok?" Stepping over to him and kneeling down by his side, she helped him up to a squatting position.

His face distorted with pain and confusion, he asked, "Why would you do that? I didn't mean to run into you..."

"Sorry, sorry. I thought you were...Anyway, how about...how about I take you out to dinner to apologize?" The girl looked off to the side as she asked, as if looking him in the face would make her sick. Or invoke the wrath inside of her in the form of a punch to the face.

"L-Like a da-"

And there it was. Her fist connected with Naruto's face, sending him right over onto his back.

"No, not like a date! Just as friends, because it would be rude of me not to apologize for hurting you, like that. So you want to go, or what?" It was unmistakable, her face was just a bit red. Of course, it was unmistakable only if you weren't Naruto. All he saw was a slight tinge of red telling that Sakura might be mad.

"Y-Yeah, of course! Let's go!" Jumping to his feet like he was perfectly alright, he took Sakura by the hand and started dragging her off to Ichiraku's for dinner, yapping loudly about some irrelevant thing that no one cared about, especially his not-date.

Unknown to Sakura, and forgotten by Naruto, a certain tape lay on the street, just waiting to be discovered by the first person who should walk by. Unfortunately, that person happened to be rather small, and definitely underage. More so than the blonde, himself.

Konohamaru scooped the black tape box up in his hands, looking at it like he had just won the lottery, "'Night of the Ninja, the Second Coming'! Wow, this must have all sorts of special techniques in it that are really advanced! Boss wouldn't have it if it were anything else! He, he, he, I'd better just take this and go watch it a few times..."

"Actually, you won't be taking that anywhere," A low voice muttered from the nearby shadows of an alley.

The boy instantly froze up, throwing his hands into the air.

-

The night was going pretty good. Naruto found that after the numbness between his legs wore off, he could walk just fine, which was something he was grateful for. Sakura hit hard, and he was concerned for his general well being for awhile. As the two sat there eating ramen, chatting about anything and everything, he realized that 'pretty good' wasn't a strong enough way to sum up their not-date. Pretty freaking good did the job a bit better.

"You know Naruto..." The blonde's company laid her chopsticks down beside her bowl, turning to give him a little smile, "You've really come a long way since the academy. I used to have a hard time just being near you, but now..."

It was with great anxiety that our hero waited for Sakura to finish her sentence. So far, the not-date had been filled with pleasant talk, laughs, smiles and metaphorical sunshine. Much to his amazement, the name 'Sasuke' had not even been mentioned. He had little doubt in his mind that she had at least thought about him, but her not speaking of him meant something, and it was a something he appreciated like hell.

"But now...I just like spending time with you, like this."

If Naruto's heart rate had gone up any higher, something in his head might have exploded, and he probably would have died. Thankfully, no such thing happened. All he managed to do was smile in response, though, because if he said anything he might have said something wrong, and that would be bad. Being quiet was better than being stupid, he decided.

Sakura picked up on this, and smiled a little wider, "You see? That's what I mean. There was a time when if I said that, you would have started running around in a circle, foaming at the mouth and asking me out on dates, and stuff. You really have grown up, Naruto."

That was when Naruto changed his mind about the whole being quiet over being stupid thing, and he opened his mouth to speak. Things were going so well, it would be more foolish of him to not try and roll with it, "Sakura-chan, actually, I was hoping you could help me with something."

His friend raised an eyebrow, but her smile had yet to fade, "Sure, Naruto. What is it?"

-

Sasuke Uchiha, the silent ninja skilled in the arts of ninjutsu, taijutsu, and brooding, stood at Naruto's door, leaning against the wall as he patiently waited for his teammate to get home. It had been an hour, but not having much else to do as he continually drove those around him away and made himself emotionally unavailable, he continued to wait and brood about life. Don't get it wrong, the young ninja had reason for being the way he was. Still, his social life was taking the brunt of the damage his gloomy ways brought upon himself.

He lifted his chin from his chest as he heard someone coming up the stairs. Naruto stepped up onto the second floor, rounding the corner to find none other than his male teammate waiting for him.

The two stood there for nearly ten seconds, just staring at the other. After the silence had worn out its welcome, both spoke at the same time:

"Naruto, what the hell happened to your eye?"

"Sasuke, what are YOU doing here?"

With a little laugh, Naruto brought his hand up to his swollen shut black eye, "Turns out, talking about sex really DOES make girls mad..."

"Uh, talking about what now?"

"Sex. I asked Sakura-chan if she would practice it with me so I could do it with Hinata for her birthday, and she got real mad and punched me in the face before storming off. I had to pay for the dinner, too...It was supposed to be her treat! But what are you doing at my house?"

Sasuke offered Naruto the tape, "You dropped this."

The blonde member of team seven jumped forward and grabbed the tape, his eyes wide as he realized he had left it out on the street, "Thanks, Sasuke! I can't believe I forgot all about this! It's going to teach me all I need to know about sex, and I completely forgot!" He opened up his door, and was about to slam it shut and start up the movie before he realized that Sasuke had been waiting to give that to him.

Now, he had a decision to make. He could stick his neck out and ask if Sasuke wanted to stay and watch the video with him, or he could just go about watching the movie alone. Odds were that if he asked, Sasuke would have some sort of smart ass comment ready when a simple 'no' would do it. Well...he had to at least try.

"Sasuke, you want to watch this with me?" He asked, sticking his head out and catching the attention of his sort of friend, who was already leaving.

At Naruto's words, Sasuke stopped walking, shrugging. Without a word, he spun around, and slowly entered Naruto's apartment. He would never say it, but he was glad that Naruto had asked him to stay to watch the video. He had nothing against sitting at home alone in the dark, but sometimes it was nice to do something with someone. Sometimes.

"Alright, time to learn about sex!" The blonde shouted happily, jumping up over his couch and flicking his tv on.

"To tell you the truth, I don't really know what it is, either," Sasuke admitted, "But if it made Sakura punch you, it must be...well, like anything else that comes out of your mouth."

"Hey, it was going good until I asked her! Plus, I knew it made women mad to talk about, so it was a bad idea to ask her, that was my fault. ...Wait, you don't know what sex is, either?" Naruto had the tape in his hand, and was poised to put it in the VCR.

Sasuke shook his head, "If it was important, I would know about it."

"That's what I said..." Naruto found it empowering to find himself on the same level as Sasuke. Actually, after today and all of his questioning, he probably knew more about it than his sort of friend, "But I know you have to be naked to do it."

"What? Does that mean there are going to be naked people in this movie?"

"I don't know, I guess. Whatever, let's just watch it," And with that, Naruto popped the tape in and hopped onto the couch beside Sasuke.

Several minutes of poor dialogue and crappy jazz music went by before the learning process began. The jazz music intensified as the woman eased slid out of the top half of her kimono, revealing herself to the man before her.

"What the hell?" Sasuke couldn't help but ask, "Are you sure this is the tape Kakashi-sensei gave you?"

"Y-Yeah, remember, you're supposed to do sex naked..."

Several seconds of kissing ensued, followed by what can only be described as traumatization.

"Where the hell is her penis?" Sasuke shouted, gawking at the screen.

"Anko didn't have one, either! I thought she had just been tortured, or something! Oh my God..." The blonde's eyes were huge, and his pupils were tiny.

"Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the...What's he about to do?" The young Uchiha found himself tilting his head a little to try and figure out what was going on.

Naruto's head was tilted, too. They both tilted their heads a little more. ...And a little more. ...A little more.

"WHAT? THAT'S WHAT THAT HAPPENS FOR?" Naruto shouted, blood spraying from his nose.

Sasuke leaned over the edge of the couch, vomiting up everything he had eaten in the recent past.

-

As the video drew to an end, the two young men continued to stare at the static-filled screen, wide-eyed and trembling.

"Kunais were not made for that," Sasuke whimpered, bringing his knees up to his chin and wrapping his arms around them.

Naruto nodded very slightly, but it was so little that it was hardly noticeable at all, "I asked Sakura-chan to do that with me..."

Still shaking a little, Sasuke muttered, "You sick bastard..."

"I AM a sick bastard...So THAT'S how babies are made...holy crap..."

"Wait, what?" Sasuke's eyes widened a little, "That's how they get in there? Through that?" He looked down at himself, praying to God Naruto was kidding.

"I think so. At least we know we can't get pregnant, now. That's good."

"You're telling me I have to do THAT to revive my clan? Are you kidding me? I-I...ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick again..." Sasuke made his way to the bathroom, staggering into the wall as he did.

"Does that mean you're not gonna do it? You're just gonna forget about reviving your clan?" Naruto called after his bathroom-bound friend.

"No way! Now that I know what I have to do, I can...do..." He was cut off by more vomiting, but at least this found its way into the toilet.

Naruto was a little worried, himself. Hinata wanted him to do THAT? To her? More than half the time it looked like it hurt. Both young men had some serious self-reflection to do before they decided on giving anything of the sort as a present or reviving any clan. Serious self-reflection.

_-----Author's other note: Ugh, upped to 'M'. I make myself sick. This is the point where the story becomes open ended, meaning suggestions are welcomed and encouraged. Truth be told, I didn't think anyone would really care about this story which means the plot is kind of thin. I'm gonna have to take a breather to think this one through some. Thank you very much for the reviews, by the way. The support shown tells me I should put more effort into this...Or at least not let it suck as much as it does right now._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	3. The Misunderstanding

_-----Author's note: To those of you who might have noticed, yes, I did change my name. If only plain old 'Serac' wasn't already taken..._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Where's your mouthwash?"

"My what?"

"You swish it around in your mouth to get out bad tastes and get fresh breath?"

"Oh, that's...under the sink...I guess..."

Sasuke dropped to a knee, flipping the cabinet open in his search for something to get the foul taste of vomit from his mouth. He shifted through the items, sighing before rising to his feet and leaving the bathroom.

"Did you find it?" Naruto asked, still sitting in front of his television, the static still filling the room with its angry sound.

"Cups of instant ramen are not mouthwash, Naruto," Sasuke groaned, sitting beside his friend.

"But it helps get rid of bad tastes, and nothing smells better than ramen, so it fit the bill. Ah, whatever..."

The two sat there side by side for a few minutes, neither one sure exactly what should be said. It took a while before Sasuke even realized he had throw up on his shirt, which caused him to ask Naruto a question he never really thought he'd have to ask, "Can I use your shower?"

"God, please. You smell awful," The blonde replied, standing up and moving to the VCR. He hit the rewind button.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Sasuke asked, standing up and slowly moving for the bathroom.

"I'm going to...I'm going to watch it again. Seriously, there's something about sex that we must be missing. A secret, or something."

Stopped outside the bathroom door, Sasuke replied, "Maybe it had something to do with that...thing...he put on..."

"The water balloon? Maybe...we'll have to find out why he did that, 'cause I have no idea. We're gonna figure this thing out, because everyone I asked yesterday knew what this was, and I will NOT be the only one in the village who doesn't know about it. No more being an outsider for me, especially when I can avoid it," Naruto hit play and, with a deep breath, returned to his seat.

"Did you say 'we' were going to figure this out?"

"Yeah, I did. If this is how babies are made, then you have to know about it, too, so you can revive your clan. Plus, I really don't want to have to do it alone."

With a grunt that told Naruto he would probably always be doing it alone, Sasuke closed the door and got into the shower.

-

"Why would she do that? There is NO logical reason for her to be doing that! ...What? I don't even...no one ever said anything about THAT! What the hell is that? ...God, if they don't stop talking about cats, I'm going to get mad!" Naruto, without really thinking about it, stood up and went to answer his door, as someone had just knocked. Turning the tape off before doing so never registered as a good idea, for the witless blonde.

He was pleased to find Sakura was there, looking somewhat apologetic. Before he could even open his mouth, she had opened her own, "Naruto, about earlier...uh, what you said kind of...did you mean it?"

Naruto's jaw dropped, and his eyes widened. She was blushing, and at the same time was avoiding eye contact. Either she was making sure she should be mad at him, or she had thought about helping him!

"It's just...you know, if you need help with it...and stuff...m-maybe you could...help ME with it, too...for Sasuke-kun..."

Naruto forced himself to shut his mouth, only to open it again to speak, "S-S-Sakura-chan, you d-do know what sex is, r-right?"

Sakura nodded a little bit, blushing harder, "We can practice it together...for other people..."

That was when Naruto knew why people did the sex. It didn't sound disgusting, dirty, dangerous, or any other negative word that started with a 'd'. When he thought about those things he had seen, they were horrible, filthy things that he wished he could forget. But when he thought about them with Sakura, they didn't sound repulsive, at all. In fact...Holy crap, that's what Iruka-sensei meant! He said that sex was how people in love expressed their feelings for each other! He wanted to do those things with her because he loved her, of course! Love WAS a part of sex, it wasn't just a joke, after all. Amazing...

That was when things got unpleasant for our young friend. It started with laughter, coming from the side. This, in turn, sparked laughter from Sakura. Ino spilled into sight from the hallway outside of Naruto's apartment.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you actually said that! 'We can practice it together, for other people!'" The blonde girl declared dramatically, putting a hand to her forehead and leaning in at Naruto like she were going to accost him.

"Naruto, I was wrong about what I said about you, earlier. Jiraiya really HAS made you a pervert," Sakura stated in-between fits of laughter.

"S-So, what you just said..." Naruto, always slow to catch on, had to ask, "Was a joke?"

"Of course it was a joke! No one would want to have sex with you, God!" Sakura shivered at the thought, and was considering punching Naruto again. Earlier might not have been enough.

That was when things got even more unpleasant for our young friend. From inside his apartment, Sasuke called out, "Naruto! Where do you keep your towels? I can't find them anywhere. Naruto?"

Sakura's eyes widened as she and Ino leaned in to the room, looking after the owner to the voice they both loved. Though they couldn't see Sasuke, they did get an eyeful of pornographic video on the television.

That was when things got outright bad for our young friend. Sasuke, donning only a small towel which barely got around his waist, stepped out of the bathroom to get Naruto to show him where the damned towels were, "All I could find was this big hand towel, and that's not gonna do it for me. Hurry up, after tonight I've seen enough naked to last me a lifetime. I want to get dressed." It was at this point that Sasuke realized Naruto wasn't at the couch, rather, he was at the door. With Ino and Sakura.

The three at the door looked at Sasuke, dripping wet and wearing only a hand towel, to the porno on the television, then back to Sasuke.

That was when things went straight to hell in a hand basket for our young friend. Fueled by embarrassment, Naruto did what may have been the dumbest, most Sakura and Ino destroying thing he could possibly do. He said, "Looks like at least ONE person wants to have sex with me," He stated, slamming the door in their faces.

Sasuke's eyes nearly popped out of his head, "OH, FU-"

-

"-ck! I can't do it!" Naruto exclaimed, turning around and trying to walk away.

Sasuke grabbed him by the hair and pulled him back over to the hospital room, pointing to the door, "You fix this, or I'll kill you! I swear to God, I will kill you if you don't fix this now!"

It was the next day, and Sakura and Ino had been admitted to the hospital after the trauma of last night had sent them into short-lived comas. Now, the hospital refused to allow the girls to leave, claiming they might be suicide risks.

-

"Maybe it's not so bad..."

"How could it not be so bad? You saw all of it..."

Ino nodded from her hospital bed, looking over at Sakura, "I know...But maybe they'd let us...you know..."

"You make me sick," The pink-haired ninja muttered, rolling around so she could bury her face into her pillow.

Their door opened up, and Naruto was pushed inside. Sasuke slammed the door shut behind him, putting on headphones so he could await the entire problem to resolve itself.

Ino turned crimson at the sight of Naruto, and he turned red at the fact he had to tell the girls he didn't really do anything nasty with Sasuke. He wished he hadn't opened his stupid mouth at all, "Ok, look. I didn't have sex with Sasuke, and we never intended on having sex with each other. Sasuke told me to say that if he would even consider being gay, it wouldn't be with me. Then he told me to say that you two are sickos, and it's not even possible for two guys to have sex with each other. ...There."

Ino and Sakura were both sitting up in their beds, and both mouths were wide open.

"Oh my God," Ino mumbled.

"He IS gay..." Sakura finished, exhaling deeply.

"I know, I...wait, what?" Naruto tilted his head to the side, frowning.

"It's so obvious! I can't believe I never realized it until now," Ino muttered so quietly it was almost to herself, "You were his first kiss," She pointed at Naruto, referring to that fateful day at the academy, "He's never shown any interest in any girls no matter how cute they were, he always wants to train with Kakashi-sensei, he's obsessed with his brother...Oh my God...I'm in love with a gay man!"

Sakura banged her head on the wall behind her bed, "No! It can't be! I can't believe it!"

"Whoa, you guys, hold on! Sasuke is NOT gay. Here, look," Naruto opened up the door to find the perfect test. He was listening to some music, it was the perfect chance to ask a seemingly honest question. He reached out and grabbed one of Sasuke's headphones, lifting it from his ear, "What are you listening to?"

Sasuke shrugged, "It's my mix tape. I've got some Kylie Minogue, Dido, Cher, The Village People...The Weather Girls are on right now," Sasuke picked an incredibly poor time to be talky.

Naruto set the headphone back on Sasuke's ear, then closed the door behind him as he turned to face the two girls, "Oh sweet mother of God, he IS gay!"

"M-Maybe he was just joking! Ask him if he was joking!" Sakura practically fell out of the bed crawling forward to do the deed herself.

"Sakura-chan, I don't-"

"ASK HIM!" She screamed.

Naruto pulled the door open, only to find Sasuke swaying back and forth, singing, "It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men!" With a shiver, he closed the door.

Sakura began to weep uncontrollably, and Ino tried to imagine what may have happened last night that they had missed...

"S-Sakura-chan, don't worry! We can fix this!" Naruto tried to comfort the girl, seeing her cry making him feel so bad it hurt.

"He's right!" Ino shouted, jumping up and standing on the bed, "Those teen magazines are packed with solutions to this kind of problem! All we have to do is bring him back to the light! The light of women! Naruto!" Ino turned to face Naruto, who shook his head.

"I don't want any part of this, are you kidding me? This is NOT the area of sex I even need to concern myself with. Hinata's birthday is in two weeks, and if she wants sex from me, then that means she's in love with me, because I'm pretty sure that's how sex works. So I have to deal with my problems, not yours!"

"Naruto, if you help us turn Sasuke straight, we'll help you with your thing!" Sakura exclaimed, sitting back up from her crying.

Naruto turned to look at Ino, who nodded, "Light practicing included," She stated.

"I don't love you, though."

"You don't have to love someone to...Naruto, shut the hell up and go get us some freaking magazines right now, or I'm going to tell everyone you're bumping uglies with Sasuke-kun!" Ino bluffed, pointing.

Naruto ran off as Sakura started crying again at that thought. Oh well. Since he was learning about sex, he might as well have Sakura and Ino on his side. It was just too bad that he was going to be dealing with gay stuff, first. That wasn't going to help him at all with his problems. He'd have to put Kakashi's comment about Hinata on hold for the time being. Right now, he needed to bring Sasuke back. Back from the gay side. ...The first step would be to kick the Weather Girls to the curb, and get him some Pantera, or something. Humming 'Cowboys From Hell', Naruto left the hospital.

_-----Author's note: I found a list of the one hundred gayest songs, and that's where Sasuke's mix came from. Awesome. Pantera came from me._

_I've decided that Naruto is going to learn about sex and all of its facets in little story arcs. The situation for gayness presented itself first, so Naruto will now learn about that part of sex. Should anyone think of a good topic they would like to see covered (Insert fetish here) that they think could be funny, please say so._

_Again, thank you all for the reviews. Oh, and, no. This is not going to be a yaoi story. I might poke fun at something like that, but don't expect any of that. Nothing against it, just don't want to write about it. Which means I may have picked a bad subject to start Naruto's learning on...Anyway, thanks for reading...-----_


	4. Saving Private Sasuke, Part 1

_-----Author's note: For the benefit of those who may have similar questions, I am publicly replying to these reviews:_

_To Tori: I never explicitly said Sasuke was gay, and I, personally, don't think he is. Beyond his terrible taste in music there's no substantial proof. Bear in mind that the chapter's title was 'The Misunderstanding'..._

_To Wind Falcon: Ew, bestiality! I guess it's a fetish, but goddamn...Anyway, lesbianism is something that I cannot not do. If I'm doing a guy/guy story arc, you can bet that I'm gonna do a girl/girl story arc. As far as BDSM goes (had to look it up. I know, that's bad), I already use Anko for that kind of stuff it turns out, so no worries there._

_To onegai-onegai: HA! That was funny...We'll see..._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Our young blonde friend found himself at one of the local stores, walking up and down the magazine aisle as he surveyed the various goods it offered. It had been a good fifteen minutes, and he knew a decision was at hand.

Asuma and Kurenai had been watching him for these last fifteen minutes, both wondering just what he was doing. Their ninja stealth had allowed them to remain undetected from the aisle behind the young genin, their mere standing more quiet than even Naruto could pick up on.

"What do you think he's gonna pick?" Kurenai whispered to her friend, who shrugged in response.

"I don't even know. Something about this guy, though...he's on to something. That question he asked me yesterday...He's smart for someone his age. There, he picked something, let's go see," Asuma walked around and out his aisle to enter Naruto's, a confused Kurenai following.

"What do you got there, Naruto?" The male jounin asked pleasantly strolling over to the blonde and putting an arm around his shoulder.

"Cosmo Girl," The genin replied casually, flipping the book open.

Kurenai stifled a laugh, bringing her hand up to her mouth, "Wh-What are you doing with a Cosmo Girl?"

"I'm gonna cut out words that describe the stupidity of that question and make a rhetorical question collage," Naruto cast Kurenai a frown, "What do you think I'm doing with it? I'm reading it!"

"Wow, that response was a little more in depth than I expected from you, Naruto. Do you even know what rhetorical means?" Asuma asked, arm still around the blonde's shoulder.

"Nope, but I'm guessing I used it right because she looks pretty surprised."

"...Uh, yeah," Kurenai mumbled, "Seriously, why the sudden interest in girl magazines?"

"I need it to understand some...things. This is going to help me understand these...things. Once I deal with these...things, Sakura-chan and Ino are going to help me with some other...things. ...Yeah," He was looking at Kurenai like she had some sort of disease. The jounin noticed he wasn't looking so much at her face as he was the rest of her, as if he were...

"Naruto, are you undressing me in your mind?" She asked, raising an arm across her chest.

"No, but those guys are," The blonde stated, pointing down to the end of the aisle, where a small cluster of men had formed. At their being busted, they quickly dispersed, running away in case they had angered her. They had. She chased after them, ready to kick some perverted ass.

"I'm not sure what it is, Naruto, but you've changed," Asuma admitted, patting the blonde on the back, "Using a teen girl magazine to get into their heads and try to figure them out...you're something else," The jounin grabbed himself a Cosmo Girl, and left to pay, "I'll take care of that one for you, on me. Get out of here and figure this all out. I'm pulling for you, man."

With a quick thanks, Naruto was off at a jog, heading back to the hospital.

"Undress me now, you asshole!" Kurenai shouted from somewhere off in the store. Asuma wasn't all that surprised when a man went flying through the air and crashed into shelves of food on his way down.

"You know, I'm sure they just meant it as a compliment," The jounin shouted to his friend, making a mental note to never mentally undress Kurenai ever again.

-

Back at the hospital, Naruto was with Ino as she signed her release forms. Sakura, who had yet to get a solid grip on her unrelenting bawling, was still considered a suicide risk, and thus was not allowed to leave.

"That's fine, we can start the process without her, anyway," The girl blonde laughed. Naruto was guessing that she didn't want Sakura to take part in anything that involved Sasuke. He wasn't going to say that, but he was definitely thinking it.

As the two left the hospital, Naruto let Ino take the lead as she made her way towards her own house. As the two walked along, the girl realized that her company was looking at her through the corner of his eye in a rather thoughtful way. Actually, it wasn't out of the corner of his eye. He was turned so he could stare at her in a rather blunt and embarrassing manner. She would have had to be blind to miss it.

"What is it?" She finally asked, eager to get his eyes off of her. Something about his gaze was making her feel dirty, like she should feel guilty about something she hadn't even done.

"Ino, you're a girl, right?" Naruto asked. He was answered with a punch to the back of the head, followed by an angry 'yes', "Ok, so, do you...own...a dong?"

After blinking a few times, she asked, "Excuse me?"

"D-Do you...have a peter?" He decided to reword his question, though it was still awkward to ask.

Ino grinned a little bit, "Naruto, are you trying to ask me if I have a boyfriend?"

It was at this particular time that Shikamaru Nara spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto say, "Uh, no, I'm trying to ask you if you have a penis." He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. There was seriously something wrong with Naruto lately...

"WHAT?" Ino shrieked, grabbing Naruto by the hair and lifting him into the air. She proceeded to punch him in the stomach with her free hand, "Why would you ask me something like that, you sicko?"

As people around them in the streets began to take notice of the violent Naruto beating that was occurring, Ino got incredibly embarrassed and stopped, continuing her walk home at a faster pace.

"L-Look," Naruto gasped for air as he lurched after his flushed friend, "I'm just asking because I don't know...Anko doesn't have one, the girl in the tape didn't have one..."

"Don't even talk to me about your smutty sex tape, Naruto! I'm serious! Only Sasuke-kun gets that privilege!" It took a few seconds before Ino registered the rest of that sentence, "When did you see Anko naked, Naruto?"

"Promise me you'll never go to her house, Ino. I'm not kidding, don't go there," The blonde male shook his head slowly as Ino turned to look at him, which was a good sign. She wasn't so mad that she wouldn't look at him, which meant his question still had hope of being answered, "So?"

"So what?"

"Do you have one?"

"NO! Of course I don't, I'm a GIRL!"

"So...does that mean all girls don't have one? It's not just a few of you?"

"Yes, Naruto, no girl has a...dong, you eloquent bastard..." She sighed, blushing harder than she could ever remember having blushed. ...Last night didn't count.

"Wow. All of this time, girls have been so different...Asuma's right, I really do have a lot to figure out," Naruto tilted his eyes skyward in thought.

"Huh?"

"Hey, does that mean that Hina-"

Stopping him before he could sound like any more of an idiot, Ino interrupted, "Hinata doesn't have one, either."

"Geez...Hey, Ino?" He brought his gaze back down from the heavens, looking over at the blonde girl with a smile.

"Please don't ask me another question," The girl muttered.

"One more? Please?"

With a sigh, Ino nodded just slightly.

"Will you eventually grow one?"

She couldn't help but laugh, even though she was turning a little redder, "No, Naruto, girls never have them."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Naruto replied, "That's unbelievable. I had no idea, all this time. Crazy."

"Well, you've always known that women were different from men, right?"

"Not really all that different, no."

"What about these?" Ino grabbed two handfuls of her chest, "That must have given something away."

"Actually, I thought that those were just so we could tell the difference between men and women. According to the video I watched last night, though, you drink from them..." He looked away as he said the last part, almost hoping Ino hadn't heard it.

"Where the hell did you get that thing, anyway? You can't legally buy that kind of video, you're not old enough!"

"Kakashi-sensei gave it to me to teach me about sex."

Her mouth hanging wide open, she just stared at Naruto.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was such a big deal, but now I know why he didn't want to tell me about it. He just did what he thought was right."

"Ok, whatever. But...what else did you think set women and men apart? Besides the chest thing," She ventured to ask, now a little curious herself.

"Well, nothing. Their voices are a little different sometimes, but that's about it," Naruto admitted innocently.

"What about their faces and hair? Girls have...girlier faces, and longer, shinier hair. Didn't that ever make you wonder if there were any other differences?"

Naruto motioned to Neji Hyuuga as he passed by them without a word, "Girly face, long shiny hair...Nope, never really crossed my mind."

"Oddly enough, I can understand that. Wow."

"No kidding 'wow'," He grinned, following Ino into her house, then up the stairs and into her room. The girl closed the door and locked it so that they wouldn't be interrupted during their research and plan making. In a matter of seconds, a feat Naruto couldn't quite comprehend, Ino had flown around her room and distributed teen magazines all across her floor and bed. Situated quite comfortably on her stomach on her bed, her legs kicking lazily back and forth behind her, she flipped through a magazine in search of an answer.

Naruto sat down on the clear spot of the floor she had left him, marveling at the sheer number of teen magazines he was surrounded by. He opened it up and was immediately barraged with words he didn't understand at all.

"Hey, Ino, what's a twink?"

"Not important, keep reading."

A few seconds later, "Hey, Ino, what's a perineum?"

"On the right track, keep reading."

A few more seconds later, "Um...Ino, what's rimming?"

That was when Ino decided it might be a good idea for her to take a look at what Naruto was actually reading. She held out her hand, but Naruto was already turning the page, "Oh, there's pictures over...OH MY GOD!" He threw the book at Ino, who caught it and stuffed it under her covers as she realized she had given Naruto one of her...bedtime stories...on accident, "What the hell was that? Holy crap, woman, what are you showing me that for?"

"Sorry, sorry!" Ino apologized, turning a violent crimson as Naruto found out she read smutty books! After she had gotten on his case about the smutty video, too, "Don't tell anyone, please? It's embarrassing..."

"More like traumatizing, holy hell on a cracker...that's it, cracker. Cracker leads to soup, soup leads to ramen, ramen leads to good. Ok, I'm alright," He succeeded in calming himself down, looking for a second piece of material to read.

Ino smiled a little, finding Naruto's innocence...cute. Realizing she was no longer red from embarrassment, but something else, she squeaked a little and looked away. He might be innocent to the point of no return, but that was definitely no reason to think of him as anything other than a little blonde idiot.

Raising an eyebrow as he spotted a volume of Icha Icha Paradise, he brushed it aside and grabbed the book beneath it. The thin book was entitled _'The Wonders Of Brachioproctic Eroticism'_. He had no idea what that meant, but he wasn't about to read Icha Icha Paradise. ...Poor, poor Naruto.

"Alright, let's put a stop to Sasuke-kun's gayhem, once and for all! Keep going, Naruto!" Ino cheered, returning to her book.

Naruto flipped his own book open, "Right, you can count on...I-Ino, please tell me that's not what I think it is..."

_-----Author's other note: If you don't know what some of these words meant: Lucky jerk. If you MUST know, look them up, because I'm not going to spell it out. I don't recommend looking the brachioproctic one up, though. My research has mentally scarred me, and all I did was read a paragraph definition. I also didn't know what 'rimming' or 'perineum' meant, and wish I didn't, now. The internet is a terrible, terrible place._

_Yes, Ino has perverted books. She rocks._

_Again, thank you for the reviews. Being that they're the only way I can determine how I'm doing, I ask that you at least think about leaving me one. I'm not gonna beg, but still. _

_Well, now I'm off to the hospital to take care of sick handicapped babies because the nurses are neglectful. I'm not kidding, either. True story. I know, I kick ass. Thanks for reading...-----_


	5. Saving Private Sasuke, Part 2

_-----Author's note: Lots of people are asking about the sexy no jutsu issue. Know, good people, that I will address it when the opportunity arises. Most of you should already be able to guess what's actually going on down there when he uses it, though. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Sakura, having just escaped from the hospital, kicked down Sasuke's door, ready to do everything in her power to make Sasuke a straight man. No matter how many times she had to try, no matter what she had to do, she wasn't leaving until he was screaming her name and begging for more. And then, she wouldn't leave because he'd be begging for more and she couldn't say no to him. That was the master plan, and there was no way it could fail. She had even 'borrowed' a nurse's outfit before her escape, which she was currently donning.

Barging into his house like she owned the place, the pink-haired ninja incognito as a nurse began to wander around his home in search of her prey. It was dark...It was quiet...But wait! Not too far away she could hear something! It was faint, but it was there. Running towards the noise as though it were angels singing Sasuke's not gay praises, she found herself standing before a door. On the door hung a sign that read 'No girls allowed', but she could hear the faint sound of music coming from the other side.

"Good thing it doesn't say anything about women not being allowed," Sakura smacked her backside, then grabbed the sign and ripped it off the door. She punched the barrier down, only to wish she had stayed at the hospital. It was in this moment that she realized she would have been oh so much better off in the hospital. God, why had she left the hospital?

Sasuke was bent over against his bedroom wall on the far side of the room, thick chain straps holding him up and similar chains keeping his legs spread. He was currently wearing what appeared to be black leather straps and chains for clothes. Upon further gawking it became clear that Sasuke was, indeed, wearing black leather straps suspended by links of chains as his sole clothing.

But it got better, for Sakura was able to now hear the music and place it. It was none other than Akon's 'Smack That', featuring Eminem. This killed Sakura a little bit inside, because she knew deep down that Akon was one of the gayest rappers alive, and having Eminem tag along for the song didn't help his case. She had noticed that in the refrain, in which Akon suggests bending someone over most likely for some form of illicit activity, he doesn't use any gender defining pronouns. Need more proof? Listen to 'Lonely' and try and say he isn't gay without laughing. There's your proof. She felt slightly better as the song ended and switched to Right Said Fred's 'I'm Too Sexy', which was much less gay, albeit still really gay.

But wait! It got better, yet! Sasuke wasn't bent over against his wall, suspended by chains, for the hell of it. No, he was quite busy. Actually, the person behind him was quite busy, holding a big old wooden paddle, which was being used to smack the young Uchiha's posterior. It was with wide eyes that Sakura eyed her love's nearly completely exposed bottom (Thank God for that chain), which was a bright rosy red.

The one holding the paddle, complete with holes to cut down on wind resistance, turned to speak to her, "Sakura-chan! Can't you read? The sign said no girls!"

Her jaw was practically resting on the ground as she realized who it was that was talking to her, "L-L-L-LEE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She shrieked, pointing at the youthful paddle-bearer, who was wearing his typical tight spandex clothes, only they were black.

"Sasuke-kun's been a bad boy, Sakura-chan..."

Sasuke turned to look over his shoulder, flashing Sakura a crooked smile, "I've been naughty, Sakura. I need to be punished..."

"Yes you do!" Sasuke exhaled sharply as Lee swung the paddle into him again.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sakura cried, lunging forward.

Sakura jumped up from the hospital bed, looking around in fervent confusion. She was...still in the hospital? It had just been a dream...A nightmare!

"Sakura-chan! You need to stay in bed and rest!"

The girl turned to glare at the voice's owner, the unfortunate Lee. He had come to watch over her, at the expense of his training time, because he had heard that she was being held in the hospital. Assuming she was sick, he had brought flowers and soup. Why? Because he cared about her well being, and he saw this as an opportunity to show her as much. The look she was giving him right now, though, made him feel somewhat frightened for his own well being...

"IT WAS FOR ME TO DO!" She roared, lunging at a confused and terrified Lee to tear him a new one.

-

"Ok, Naruto, are you ready?"

"Mph...U-Uh...h-huh...sniff..."

"Oh, for God's sake will you stop crying?"

Naruto dragged his sleeve across his face, wiping away the little bit of moisture it had accumulated, "I...I'm not crying..."

Ino crossed her arms and looked away in a huff, "Don't try and act like such a tough guy! You've been crying ever since-"

"Why were they doing that? It was...horrible!"

"They were doing it because it feels-"

"NO! There's no way that could have felt good, don't lie to me!"

The two blondes were crouched side by side in a bush as they awaited their target to pass by. They knew for a fact that he came down this road every day to go to the training grounds, and he should be on his way in a matter of minutes.

"Seriously, Naruto, some people just like to do those kinds of things. I'm not lying!" Ino protested once she received a cynical look.

"But how did it...there's no way the whole thing should have gotten in there! I mean, it's physically impossible, isn't it?" He looked to Ino for a 'yes', praying she would tell him that, indeed, her filthy X rated book was full of altered pictures, or something.

"Nope, it's pretty possible," She shot down his hopes, "And I'm serious, they enjoy doing those kinds of things."

Naruto's brow furrowed into a thoughtful scowl as he closed his eyes tight, trying to comprehend what she was saying, all while trying to eradicate the memory of the pictures from his mind.

"Are you ok, now?" She asked when he opened his eyes again.

"Ino...girls don't like that kind of stuff, do they?" Naruto asked in a low tone, leaning over to her so he could whisper.

Turning a little red, Ino shrugged, "What you saw was a...let's just call it a 'yaoi' scene. S-Some girls do, I guess. Th-There's stimulation and stuff, I suppose...I mean, as I understand it! There's...you know...nerves and pleasure centers that can be triggered that way...and stuff..."

"Don't try and confuse me with your big words!"

"I'm not! I'm saying it might feel good, God!"

A few awkward seconds passed by before Naruto raised an eyebrow and muttered, "You're a nasty pervert."

"Sh-Shut up, I didn't say I wanted to do it!"

"...Might as well have. ...Pervert," Naruto replied under his breath.

Now embarrassed and getting a little angry, Ino said, "Just what kind of girl do you think I am, Naruto?"

"The perverted kind," The boy replied truthfully, glad they were hiding in a bush so that no one would find them. Bushes were awesome cover.

Growling, Ino commanded, "Fine! Ask me if I want to do those kinds of things, for real. Sasuke-kun could ask me to do those things and I'd say no, even to him!"

"Pssh, yeah right. And hell no, I'm not gonna ask you to do those things! No way!" Naruto swung his head to look away moodily.

"Ugh, fine! Up yours, you stupid, loud headache!"

"Yeah, I'll bet you'd like that, you pervert!"

"That's it!" Ino jumped over and tackled Naruto right out of their cover. As they sprawled out into the middle of the street, who else but Sasuke's feet would they land at? The Uchiha had been, just seconds ago, happily singing Madonna's 'Like A Virgin'.

Looking down at the wrestling blondes before him, Sasuke clicked his tape player off, "And what exactly's going on here?" He asked disinterestedly.

The two jumped up to attention, addressing Sasuke at the same time, "Anko needs your help, fast! There's something going on at her house!"

"Is she alright?" Sasuke asked, stashing his tape player away as a kunai now filled his hand.

"We don't know, she sent us to get you as fast as we could!" Ino exclaimed.

"This is a real problem! We're not making it up!" Naruto added, lucky not to get an elbow to the ribs from his blonde compatriot.

"Alright, take me there!" The Uchiha prodigy demanded, rushing off after Naruto as he took the lead.

-

Sasuke moved to bust Anko's door down, but the jounin opened it herself and ushered him in without so much as a word. Naruto and Ino watched in trepidation as the door slammed shut before them followed by the clicking of several deadbolts.

"Is he gonna be ok in there?" Ino asked worriedly, grimacing at the thought of what the scary jounin might do to her precious Sasuke-kun.

"I don't know, Ino, I just don't know. She told me she'd turn him, but she wouldn't say how..." Naruto replied so quietly it was barely above a whisper.

"She wanted to tell you, but you said no, didn't you?"

"You bet your life she did. I don't want to know what she's going to do to him. We're better off not knowing what she's gonna do to him. She said she'd only need twenty-four hours with him, and then we could come back for him."

"Twenty-four hours? It can't possibly take that long!" Ino exclaimed, turning red from both anger and embarrassment. No one should get that much time alone with Sasuke, unless it was her!

Naruto nodded, "That's what I said, but she said that if you did 'it'," He made air quotes, "Right, it did take that long. I don't know what she did the air quote thing for and I didn't ask."

Ino's eyes were watering up a little bit at the thought of her Sasuke-kun being molested by the crazy nymphomaniacal psycho woman less than twenty yards away, "H-He'll be ok, right?"

Naruto put his arm around Ino's shoulders as she laid her head against him. A high pitched scream erupted to life from Anko's house, and that told them that the ungayifying process had begun. Sasuke's bloodcurdling scream sent shivers down both of their spines. One of the jounin's windows shattered as a man dove through it, hitting the ground with a roll before staggering to his feet and limping away. He was naked save for a black speedo, his hands duct taped together behind his back. He had long red striped going down his back. ...Whip marks?

"I'M FREE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he ran, "Thirteen days! THIRTEEN DAYS!" He was practically weeping for joy as he continued to stagger run away from the residence.

Choking back her tears, Ino repeated, "H-He'll be ok, RIGHT?"

Naruto, his arm still around her shoulders, pulled her a little closer as a second scream pierced the air, "let's go," He said coldly, turning Ino around so the two of them could walk away.

"INO!" Sasuke called out, "IT'S HORRIBLE! HELP!"

The girl instantly tried to break free and go help her love, but Naruto held her tight and kept going, "Don't listen, don't listen!"

"NARUTO! PLEASE!" The Uchiha called for his other friend, but received no response, as the two were already gone.

_-----Author's other note: It should be said, now, that this is not a Naruto/Ino story. I just like Ino, and am getting her some game time. Thank you for all of the reviews I got, I am not worthy. Raedric, I may be an innocent, as you say, for not knowing what these things were before writing this story, but I was happier before I knew. I'm not even going to look up the meat curtain, because it sounds like it would mentally ruin me. Ambrant, your last idea was gloriously original, and I may yet use it since you don't intend to..._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	6. Toys That Fly

_-----Author's note: I'm going to recycle a scene from another fic I have, and change it up to suit my wants. I know a couple of you will know it, but most won't. Well, it's still a good scene. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"...Why's she crying? Did you do something to her?"

"She's not crying because of anything I did, man."

"Then what the hell's the problem?"

Naruto and Ino had been sitting together at Ichiraku's for a good while. Most of this time had been spent by the male of the duo trying to console the whimpering and crying female over the loss of Sasuke's innocence to someone other than herself. She knew that it had to be done (For her sake), but that didn't make it much easier to accept. Ino had lapsed into all out bawling when Ayame asked them through a grin if they were on a date. It was at this point that Kiba and Shino decided to show up.

Knowing he needed to come up with a story, and fast, Naruto just shot off the first thing that came to his mind, "...Uh...she's having her...what is it? Her...comma...or something..."

"Her period?" Shino suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that's it!" Naruto snapped his fingers, recalling reading in one of those teen magazines that a girl and her period could get emotional, "She's really serious about her grammar. Bel..."

Now Kiba raised an eyebrow, "What were you about to say?"

With a little grimace, Naruto replied, "I almost said 'believe it'..."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Good thing I stopped myself, I would have sounded like an idiot!"

Shino sighed, sitting next to Ino, "This coming from the guy who thinks that a period has something to do with grammar. Great."

Kiba, rather ungracefully, shoved Naruto back further into the booth, dropping down beside him with a grunt, "Hey, old man! Send me whatever Naruto's got coming!" He called out, arm waving around as if his boisterous voice wasn't enough to get Mr. Ichiraku's attention.

Tilting his head to the side, the blonde asked, "What are you talking about? What else could a period have to do with anything, if not writing stuff?"

Kiba laughed, "It also has to do with blood, pain, and psycho mood swings."

"Like in a fight!" Naruto exclaimed, nodding rapidly as though the light of understanding now shone upon him.

"What, you have psycho mood swings in fights?" Akamaru now peeked out of Kiba's jacket, sniffing around at the pleasant scent of ramen.

Shino raised a hand to silence the two, his other arm around Ino's shoulders as he attempted to comfort her, "No, Naruto, not like in a fight. Every month, women..." The bug user stopped talking and shifted out of the booth to allow the suddenly anxious to be somewhere else Ino out. She quickly hurried into the bathroom as Shino returned to his seat.

"What was her hurry?" The blonde wondered aloud, grinning broadly as Mr. Ichiraku set his food before him.

"You're an idiot, Naruto," Kiba groaned, quick to stuff his face with his own food.

-

'_Oh my God, they're all idiots!' _Ino cursed the world as she locked herself into a bathroom stall so she could sort out her frazzled mind.

-

"Hey, don't call me an idiot!"

"Then stop being one!"

"Enough," Shino rose to his feet, "It's obvious that Ino's in pain, so we should do what we can to help her. Finish eating, we're going to the store."

-

"Really? ...Well, that's an interesting turn of events. ...Yes, I'll arrange for a little alone time between them. After all, they gave their word, and a promise is a promise."

Shizune watched in silence as Tsunade spoke with someone over the phone, a stern look on both women's faces. The blonde Hokage had been having her trail Naruto ever since he asked her what sex was because she had guessed, rather accurately, that it would be interesting to watch his education unfold. It was with a heavy conscience that Shizune allowed Sasuke to remain in Anko's...care.

"...No, I will not ask Genma to video tape them, and if I find out you did, I'll shove a flag pole up your ass. ...If you ever say that to me again, I'll pop your hollow head right off your shoulders and use it as a planter. ...No, after this one, we're even. I don't ever want to hear about that ugly mess again, and I will never tolerate blackmail like this ever, ever again. Do you understand? ...Though that may be the truth, that doesn't mean he's yours to corrupt, you pig!" Tsunade slammed the phone down onto the hook.

"So?" Shizune asked timidly, not particularly keen on hearing the answer though she knew she must.

"Get me Naruto, Ino, and Sakura. I have a mission for them," The Hokage growled, though Shizune could catch a hint of a grin behind her facade. She definitely wasn't truly angry.

"I don't think you should send them off together, Tsunade-sama. There's a chance that they...you know..." Shizune turned a little red, unable to finish her sentence.

"That's the whole point! That damned Jiraiya is blackmailing me to get me to pull this together, and I have no choice but to comply..." Tsunade hung her head in well feigned defeat.

"You didn't try awfully hard to get out of it...Wait, Jiraiya-sama knows about Naruto's question, too? How did he know about that? How did he know about Sakura and Ino's agreement to teach him some?" Shizune, now thoroughly perplexed, stared at Tsunade for an answer.

"That's a good question, Shizune. He should be out monitoring Akatsuki's movements, not sneaking around the village, trying to raise a protégé...Well, bring Naruto and the other two here immediately. If you spot any sign of Jiraiya, let me know. Also, I want you to follow the three of them and make sure that lecher doesn't tape them, or watch, or something..." Tsunade shivered at the thought.

"What? I don't want to go! I'll hear things!"

"Now, Shizune."

"But Tsunade-sama-"

"Now!"

-

"Playtex, Kotex, Tampax...Why do they all end in 'X'?" Our orange-clad hero asked in wonder, lifting one of the myriad boxes into the air and looking it over, "What the hell does it need wings for?"

"What do you think?" Shino asked blandly, looking a box over, himself.

With a shrug, Naruto guessed, "To fly?"

"Yes, Naruto, the tampon has wings so it can fly," The second ninja replied sarcastically.

Since it was sarcasm, from Shino who rarely changes his tone of voice, Naruto missed it completely, "Wow, so tampons are flying toys that make people feel better during a rough time period."

Shikamaru Nara, who had been shopping for various ninja goods that just so happened to be near the lady's department, spotted his two friends, and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Naruto declare, "You know, I can think of a few times when I could have used a tampon." He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. He might as well just stay away from Naruto indefinitely. He couldn't stop thinking about the sexy no jutsu gone terribly, terribly wrong.

"I think you may have gotten the wrong idea about tampons and periods, Naruto," Shino stated, now looking over a box of Kotex, trying to figure out which brand was the best, most fixing Ino kind.

"I think YOU have the wrong idea about tampons and periods, Shino," Naruto retorted, popping one of the boxes open so he could reach in and take one out.

"Hey, you can't do that!" Shino groaned, though he made no effort to stop the boy.

"Relax, I'll pay for it. We're getting them for Ino, anyway, right?" He seemed to have forgotten that Ino wasn't suffering through any sort of grammar induced pain, and that he really didn't need to be wasting his money on flying toys to make her feel better. Oh well.

The boy pulled out a tampon, still enclosed in its crinkly wrapper, "Geez, I don't think I've ever heard a wrapper make this much noise," The blonde laughed, squeezing the tampon a little bit to produce the obnoxious noise.

"Naruto, I'm serious. Put that back, it's not for you to play with."

"Sure it is! I'm feeling kinda emotional, so I want a tampon, too!" Deciding that he had enjoyed the pointlessly loud wrapper long enough, Naruto ripped the tampon open and held the plastic tube thing in his hands as he gawked at it in confusion.

Shino lowered his head with a sigh, wishing he had brought Kiba, instead, and had left Naruto to watch over Ino.

"...Where're the wings?" The hyperactive ninja asked in wonder, spinning the thing around between his fingers as he looked it over, "I see it's got a tail, but no wings..."

"It's a mystery," The bug user mumbled, now wondering what size he was supposed to get, "How am I supposed to know something like that?"

Naruto took the tampon by the string at the end, and started to swing it around over his head, "Shino, I think I've figured it out!" He cheered happily as the tampon began to gain momentum, "The wings will come out when it's airborne, that's gotta be it! Fly, tampon, fly!" He snickered, letting the brilliant toy loose so that it flew through the air, crossing the store in one mighty bound.

"Did you just throw a tampon across the store?" Shino asked, hardly able to believe Naruto's stupidity.

"It's about to be two!" Naruto grinned, reaching for another, "These things do make you feel good!"

Shino snatched the box of feminine items away from Naruto, pointing to the frozen foods aisle, "No. Look, just go get her some ice cream, that helps, too."

Nodding with vigor, the blonde asked, "What kind should I get?"

"The kind where the name implies that you'll have to suffer for all of eternity should you choose to enjoy its dairy goodness. I forget the name, exactly, but you'll know it when you see it."

Still nodding, a grin etched all over his face, Naruto marched down to the frozen food aisle.

A few seconds after Naruto's departure, Shino's tampon investigation was interrupted by an angry voice coming from behind him, "Shino! You threw that tampon at me?"

A drop of sweat sliding down his face, Shino turned to find Kurenai glaring at him, the guilty tampon dangling from her hand.

"Forbidden chocolate decadence...limited edition sin complex..." Naruto read aloud, holding the tub of what might have been the best looking ice cream ever, "I'd go to hell for this, that's for sure!" Always one to think of his stomach before his soul, Naruto turned to return to Shino's side, only to be stopped by Shizune.

"Naruto, Tsunade-sama's got a mission for you," The woman stated solemnly, taking him by the arm and leading him through the store to the exit.

"A mission? Great! But...I was getting some stuff for Ino..." Naruto admitted, though he didn't resist her tug.

"Take the ice cream with you. Ino will be joining you and Sakura for this mission," Shizune explained, careful not to make eye contact with Naruto.

"But what about Sasuke? ...I mean..."

"We're aware that Sasuke's...preoccupied, at the moment, and Ino will be filling in for him for the duration of the mission. The other two are already there, so hurry it up!"

_-----Author's other note: I would like to publicly thank **dummy plug** of NarutoFan forums for all of his time and effort spent in making a fan club for my Naruto fictions. Also, thank you to the multitude of people who even made banners for it! Why would I thank them here, and not there? Well, I already thanked them there, but here more people will see the thank you, so there we go._

_I also hinted at Ambrant Arandel's 'Charm School For Ninjas' with the comment about the sexy no jutsu gone terribly, terribly wrong. He's not proud of it, but it had its moments._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	7. Sapphic Femme, Pt 1

_-----Author's note: I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"And that's the mission..." Tsunade finished her explanation, hands folded neatly before her on her desk. The three genin she had requested were standing before her, staring back at her in blatant wonder. It took a few seconds before any of them had recovered enough that they could form words. Ino was the first one to do so.

"...A-Are you kidding me? This i-is a joke, right?"

Tsunade shook her head slowly from side to side, "I'm pretty not joking."

"You MUST be joking!" Sakura sided with her blonde friend and rival, who nodded as Sakura spoke, "I don't even know if we're old enough for that!"

"What's the big deal? It sounds like a really easy mission..." Naruto admitted. He wasn't excited about the mission, but he didn't get why the other two were making such a big deal about it. Maybe they thought they should have a more important sounding mission, too.

"Naruto, SHUT UP!" The pink-haired genin commanded, pointing at him. She was so mad that her hair was flowing in a non-existent wind, and a malicious aura was spilling off of her like water from an overturned cup.

"Now, now," The Hokage tried to soothe them, "There's a very good reason I've picked you three..."

'_Because you're being blackmailed?' _Shizune guessed to herself.

"It just so happens that the two you will be replacing are almost physically identical to you girls, luckily enough. You'll be able to perform your mission as doubles without wasting chakra to keep up a disguise. Naruto will tag along as protection, should such the need arise," Tsunade paused to take a drink from the glass on her desk.

Ino groaned, "Why do they need replacement doubles, exactly?"

Setting the glass of water back down, the blonde woman replied, "The same reason anyone has ever requested doubles."

"Stalker?"

"Stalker. He's sent them threats and has mentioned tomorrow's shoot several times."

"God, what the hell is wrong with people?"

"Wouldn't it just be better if we were guards instead of replacements?" Naruto chimed in.

"They requested replacements, and have already paid a lot to make sure they get them," The Hokage groaned, "So that's what they're getting."

Sakura crossed her arms and looked away indignantly, "No way! I am not doing this mission, forget it!"

"Sakura-chan, we-"

"Naruto, I'm serious, SHUT UP!"

Tsunade grinned a little, but quickly masked it as annoyance by slapping her hands down on her desk and letting her eye twitch, "You'll do this mission because I'm telling you to! You'll do it because you're a ninja, and you HAVE to do it! You'll do it and you'll like it! You'll ask for another!"

"No!" Sakura remained stubborn, even in the face of Tsunade's anger. There was no way in hell she was going to do this mission!

The blonde woman leaned forward a little and whispered so only Ino and Sakura could hear, "You'll both do the photo shoot, or I'll tell Sasuke what YOU did," She looked pointedly at Ino, who cringed as she remembered that he was at Anko's house, right now, "And I'll tell him the secret of YOUR pink hair!" Sakura grimaced at the thought, reaching up to cover her head, "And then I'll tell him about your promise to teach Naruto about sex through 'light practice'!"

"NOOOOO!" Both girls cried out, dipping into bows, "We'll do it, we'll do it!"

Smiling to herself, Tsunade leaned back in her chair, nodding, "That's what I thought. You can go, now. The photographer awaits."

Naruto followed after the suddenly-anxious-to-get-to-the-mission girls, asking them from behind as they stepped out into the hall, "I've never heard of the 'Sapphic Femme' before. What kind of stuff do they have in there?"

Shizune waited for the sounds of the two unfortunate girls screaming at the just as unfortunate Naruto to fade away before she approached Tsunade with a question, "Tsunade-sama, I don't remember hearing anything at all about this mission!"

"So?" Was the concise and carefree response she got.

"S-So? I handle a lot of the paperwork that comes and goes through here! I should have seen it!"

"Maybe you overlooked it. People make mistakes, after all."

"Did...Did you do something, Tsunade-sama?" Shizune was starting to look a little worried, which vexed the Hokage.

"What kind of person do you take me for? Ugh...Ok, come on, I have something to show you..." The blonde woman rose from her chair, and made for the door. Shizune followed after her.

The two walked through the offices in the building, proceeding towards the basement. The entire time Shizune was trying to figure out what exactly Jiraiya was blackmailing Tsunade with. She had been with her so much that she could tell when something was up, and something was most definitely up right now.

"Hey!" Genma called out to the two women, stepping out into the hallways with them, "Shizune, I wanted to-"

"Not now, Genma. We're busy," Tsunade, slightly to Shizune's chagrin, waved the jounin off.

A little downtrodden, the man mumbled, "What's her problem?" Turning around and walking away, he couldn't help but feel sorry for himself. It was stupid and he knew it, but he felt sorry for himself all the same. Whenever Shizune got too stressed out with work or life, she'd come to him and...well, come to him. After the night (Or a particularly bad day) passed, however, she just let it go. It was like it didn't matter to her at all...

Lost in his own thoughts, Genma moved through the building with no real purpose. Up a set of stairs, down another hall, lost. He felt like such a little girl for wanting Shizune to think of their 'time' together as something more than angry sex, but the harder he tried to get her to see him in a new light, the less chance he seemed to have. It didn't seem fai-

The jounin, in a very un-ninja-like fashion, bumped into someone, stumbling back a step. The woman he had bumped, however, being tougher than any rock you'd ever find, remain unmoved.

"Watch where you're going, Genma," Tsunade grumbled, continuing down to her office.

"Hokage-sama? B-But I thought you were..." He glanced over his shoulder back down the set of stairs he had come up, then looked back at the blonde in confusion.

"I haven't been having the greatest day, Genma, so I suggest you shut it and get to work, or something," Tsunade commanded in a gruff tone.

Feeling all the more unappreciated, Genma merely nodded and left the blonde boss alone. He didn't care much to talk to her, anyway.

-

"So what is it you're showing me?" Shizune asked, her keen eyes watching everything in the dark basement, just in case the thing Tsunade intended to show her should prove troublesome. She could tell something was wrong...

The blonde woman led her assistant up to a locked door, which she quickly proceeded to unlock, "What I'm about to show you is top secret, ok? It stays between us."

Shizune nodded rather slowly, though it was indeed a nod yes.

The Hokage flung the door open to reveal Ino and Sakura bound and gagged, lying on the basement floor behind the door. They were wriggling around, trying futilely to escape.

"Oh my God! Wh-What do you think you're doing?" Shizune gasped, backing away in horror.

"Relax, relax. It's not Sakura and Ino, just who they're going to replace," Tsunade stated blandly.

"I know who they are! But...What are they doing here? Did you kidnap them?"

"It sounds so bad when you say it like that. It's more like...I borrowed them from where they should be, against their will, and am holding them here, also against their will. That sounds a little more socially acceptable, doesn't it?"

"No, it doesn't! You're gonna get in serious trouble for doing this!"

Tsunade shrugged off that comment, "I'm the Hokage! I call the shots. Don't even worry, it'll all be fine!"

Staring at the helpless carbon copies of Ino and Sakura, Shizune couldn't help but ask, "How did you know there were two girls out there who looked exactly like Ino and Sakura?"

"I saw them in an older Sapphic Femme issue," Tsunade slapped her hand over her mouth, realizing she might have just said too much.

"Wait, impossible! You're not-"

Shizune was cut off before she could even finish that sentence. Tsunade formed a rapid sequence of seals, letting off a blast of mist and haze. The jutsu, clouding her senses and obscuring her mind, knocked her out faster than Lee after a bottle of hard liquor. Before she even hit the ground, Tsunade had bound her (Extra well, being that she was a ninja) and gagged her, doubled up with the greatest tool ever: Duct tape. She wasn't going anywhere.

After lobbing Shizune into the closet, which she promptly closed and locked after, the blonde stealthily made her way back up to the main floor, and slunk out of the building without ever being seen. Getting through the village without being seen was also a difficult thing to do, but by sticking to the shadows and utilizing her many talents, the woman made it out into the forests.

Several minutes of traversing the terrain passed, she stumbled upon the tiny encampment of the one she sought. Finding the man sitting before a tiny fire, roasting a few fish he had caught earlier, Tsunade sat down on the opposite side of the fire to glare at him a little bit.

"Is it done?" The man asked, a wily smile on his face.

"It's done. I'm ready for my payment, now," Tsunade replied blandly, clearly not pleased with how everything had turned out.

"Were there any complications?" The man pursued, reaching into the bag at his side to fish out the reward.

"None. Shizune reacted exactly like you said she would, so she's been captured, too," The blonde dropped the illusion, a burst of smoke revealing who the imposter Hokage had been. Kakashi sighed as the smoke cleared, sitting before Jiraiya, "Tsunade will never know about any of this, now. Well, that we were involved, anyway."

"Great, great!" Jiraiya exclaimed happily, pulling out the reward for Kakashi's work, "Here, five. Just like we agreed."

"Well now you'll have to double it."

"What?"

"I feel sick knowing what I've done. Sakura and Ino, they...You're gonna double it, or I'm going to go public with this and keep it from happening at all."

"Alright, whatever consoles your conscience," Jiraiya muttered, fishing out five more. He handed the items to Kakashi, who eagerly accepted them.

"Ten more pages of the next issue of Icha Icha Paradise...You're a monster for making me work for them!"

"It's not even in stores, so don't call me a monster. After all, look at what you did to get them," The perverted hermit pointed out, standing up, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some ninja to monitor. I'm not talking about Akatsuki, either."

"I know who you're talking about, you perverted psycho. ...If you ever need anything else, you know what it takes," Kakashi changed tunes practically mid-sentence, tapping the pages he held in his hand.

"I'll let you know if I do," And Jiraiya was gone, prepared to make sure his apprentice followed in his lecherous footsteps.

Kakashi started to read, and felt his guilty conscience fade away into nonexistence.

-

It was nighttime, now, out over the Land of Fire. The stars and moon were hung high up in the dark void, and the three mission-bound genin consisting of Naruto, Sakura, and Ino, were currently looking at it in all of its shimmery glory.

They had a camp set up, though they had only one tent and a small fire. By tomorrow, noon, they would have arrived at their destination, which was a small town outside of Konoha where the Sapphic Femme photo shoot was to take place. Once there, they would have only a few hours before the shoot, and Naruto would know why the girls were more than a little pissed about it. ...Well, at least they might be able to use it in helping turn Sasuke.

At the moment, the memory of their troubles flown from their minds, the three lay on the cool grass by the path, all under the same blanket as they stargazed. It had been well over half an hour since anyone had spoken, and even Naruto didn't feel the need to open his mouth and make noise. I know, Ino and Sakura were surprised, too.

As our blonde hero laid between the two beautiful girls, their warmth keeping him satisfied despite the slowly dropping temperature, he found himself wondering. Wondering about what? Well, you see, Mr. Ichiraku had said something about a new type of ramen! So really...

Ino's leg brushed up against his as she shifted a little. He turned a little to send her a look through the corner of his eye. She mouthed 'sorry' to him before looking back to the sky.

Where was he? ...Ah! So really, he had been thinking of little else. He had been told that some of the spices would be tough to get, and that Naruto himself might have to lend a hand. If it was for the sake of ramen, though he would definitely...

Much to his surprise, Sakura's hand slid across his chest as she set her arm over him in a sort of...what? It almost felt like a hug. That couldn't be right, though. Assuming he was imagining things, he tried to get his thoughts back on course with ramen. Before he knew it, however, Sakura's head was on his shoulder. After a few seconds of disbelief, he came to the realization that she was, indeed, touching him. Now nervous that he was about to be hurt, he turned his eyes (Without moving his head) to look at his pink-haired teammate.

"It's cold," She whispered, turning a little red, "Don't read into it."

"W-We can get in the tent if you're t-too cold..." The blonde stated, praying to God that she couldn't feel him trembling.

If Sakura didn't notice anything off from Naruto, Ino sure as hell did, "You're shivering, Naruto! You can't even talk right because your teeth are chattering..." A little tinge of color in her own cheeks, Ino put her arm around him from his other side, resting her head on his free shoulder, "To keep you warm, you idiot," She snapped, noticing the slight blush the boy wore.

"I don't want to go in the tent, just yet. The stars are so pretty, just a few more minutes," Sakura said softly.

It was here that Naruto had two choices. He could either speak and risk ruining this pretty awesome moment, or he could keep his mouth shut and let it ride on. _He closed his eyes._

"Since I helped Sasuke be not gay, are we going to practice doing sex right now?" He asked, opening his eyes.

Sakura and Ino sat up simultaneously, the blonde glaring at Naruto as fire and brimstone from her fury began to erode his very soul. That's how damn scary her glare was. Sakura was glaring at Ino, not quite sure what Naruto meant by 'helped make Sasuke not gay'. Something had been done, and she didn't know what. Something had been done to HER Sasuke, and she didn't know what. She had a horrible flashback to her dream about Lee spanking the Uchiha, and came dangerously close to having an aneurism.

"NARUTO!" Ino shouted, driving her fist into the boy's face, pounding his head a good two feet into the ground, "How dare you ask me that?" She screamed, pulling her fist up for a second attack. Sakura caught her by the wrist, however, still directing her fear-inducing eyes to the girl.

"What did he mean 'helped make Sasuke not gay'?" She asked in a low tone, not releasing her friend's wrist.

"N-N-Nothing, nothing at all! H-He's a-an idiot, don't listen to him!" Ino grinned sheepishly, realizing that she wasn't doing a great job of lying, at the moment.

Sakura, using her other hand, reached into the hole Naruto's head was currently buried in and pulled him up by the hair, "We left him at Anko's so she could turn him not gay," The boy mumbled, dazed from the punch.

The pink-haired girl stood up, stomping on Naruto's face to jam his head back in the hole as she returned to the path, ready to go back home.

"Wait! What about the mission?" Ino called after the girl.

"The mission can go to hell! I'm going to go save Sasuke-kun from that psychotic nympho!" Sakura shouted, grabbing her stuff from the tent in an impressively short amount of time.

"She's not psychotic, she's just...uh..." The blonde kunoichi found herself at a loss for words on how to finish that sentence without lying.

"An Anbu member that had been missing for almost two weeks was found earlier today! He escaped from her house after being her sex toy! They had to put him in the psych ward because he couldn't stop crying and calling everyone 'master'!" Sakura continued to shout as she began sprinting back to Konoha, "She's psycho!"

"Dammit, Naruto!" Ino shouted standing up, "We can't finish the mission without her!" Naruto's head was still a good two feet below ground, but the rest of him was still above it. That being the case, Ino found it rather easy to kick him between the legs before stomping off to the tent.

_He opened his eyes. _...Whoa. Looking from his left to his right, Naruto found Ino and Sakura respectively, each one with their arm around him, looking up in silence at the stars. _'So that's why people think before they talk! Now that I know what will happen if I say that, I won't say it! Amazing...'_ Having just had an epiphany, Naruto kept his mouth shut and watched the stars with a pretty girl holding him from both sides. Choosing to keep his mouth shut was a glorious decision, as they fell asleep out there just like that.

Jiraiya, nestled up in a tree some hundred yards away, watched the pretty scene unfold before him with his eagle-like eyes. It appeared that Naruto was still too innocent, especially if he wasn't going to profit off of a scene like that. There was still plenty of time left to change the boy, plenty of time indeed. He would be the invisible hand of fate that drove his pure apprentice down the road of the perverse. He would have an heir to his legacy, an heir he could be proud of. With all of Jiraiya's cunning and wit, it was only a matter of time before he got Naruto everything the boy never wanted and more.

_-----Author's other note: The worst chapter in terms of comedy, but it was necessary for the overall plot to grow. It was also the longest chapter yet, damn. If you don't know what the words 'Sapphic' and 'Femme' mean, it's just a different way of saying, essentially: 'Lesbian'. Yes, Sakura and Ino are being blackmailed into posing for a dirty magazine (By the Kakashi/Jiraiya alliance, oddly enough), and Naruto has no idea that's what they're going to be doing for the photo shoot. We should all understand what's going on, now, in case I was vague or confusing in the chapter._

_Thanks for all of the reviews, I really appreciate them. Hattuteline: That you reviewed this as if it were a book you paid to read means a lot to me, and I thank you. I'll just have to do better to get that fire and passion you mentioned for this story, even if it's just for kicks._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	8. Hard Like Sunday Morning

_-----Author's note: I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Everyone experiences great things, now and then. No matter what they say, no matter how much they say their life might suck, everyone gets a few fantastic experiences in their lifetime. These experiences may be completely unique to the individual, in that it might be a glorious event for them, but a dismal one for another. For example, Neji wouldn't like it very much if he was forced to spend an entire day and night with Naruto by himself, but Hinata gets close to an orgasm at the simple thought. Another example would be that Hinata would be mortified to sit through twenty-four hours of yaoi pornography (Assuming Naruto wasn't in them), whereas Ino would kill distant family members for the opportunity. There could be many more examples listed, but that would quickly become repetitive.

Why speak of these special moments that people are blessed with quite sparingly over the span of their lives? Simple. Naruto Uzumaki was experiencing one such moment as we speak. ...Read.

The crimson red early dawn sun peeked its way over the horizon, illuminating the countryside in its comforting glow. As the light filtered through his eyelids, Naruto stirred just slightly from his sleep, a little groan that didn't get past his throat the only noise other than the singing of birds in the nearby trees. Oh, scratch that. At his slight movement and sound, someone beside him moved a little bit, too, and let out a pleased groan. Oh, wait, scratch that, too. The person beside him wasn't so much beside him, as much as they were half on top of him. So, really, the body was half beside him.

Still groggy (As Naruto often was in the morning), he turned and scooted the other way to get some space. Damn, scratch that, too. There was no room to go, as another body was in the way! It was at this point that our blonde friend managed to crack open an eye to figure out what was going on. He managed to stifle his sharp intake of breath when he found that his face was about an inch and a half away from Ino's, and Sakura was practically sleeping on top of him.

'_W-We fell asleep! So that's what it's like to sleep with two girls at once...Huh, I think Kiba must have talked it up too much, because this isn't the greatest moment of my life, and I'm a man. What a dumbass,'_ The blonde decided that it would be a good idea for him to use his ninja skills and escape this situation before either of them woke up and beat him up for it.

As soon as he moved, however, Ino's arms wrapped around his neck. Grinning dumbly in her sleep, the blonde mumbled almost incoherently, "Sasuke-kun...you so hawt..."

Before he knew it, his mouth was being invaded by Ino's tongue in what he figured was a kiss. Never having had one before, it was a rather confusing and awkward several seconds for him. Now, by no means would he describe it as unpleasant, but goddamn this was a bad time for it to happen! It was early in the morning and he had just woken up, so he was currently suffering from an affliction that most males suffer at that particular time...If the girls woke up and noticed, he was in some deep trouble.

Ino finally stopped kissing him sometime after the ten second mark. Yes, Naruto was wondering how she hadn't woken up during the entire thing, too. He took in a deep breath, wondering if his face was as red as it felt. Ok, try to move again! Just do it!

As soon as Ino felt the covers shift a little bit, she began to grin again. _'Oh, crap!' _Naruto squeaked in his mind.

"Come here...Shika-kun..."

And, again, Naruto found himself performing mouth to mouth with Ino. He struggled a little bit, which caused Sakura to shift her weight a bit, quickly winding up completely on top of Naruto. Pleased with the newfound warmth beneath her, she straddled it and put her arms around it. The girl lowered her face to the crook of his neck, snuggling in to the warmth like it was her bed.

And so, Naruto lay there, kissing Ino while Sakura rest on top of him, arms and legs wrapping him up and holding him still.

'_Why aren't they waking up!?' _Naruto thought, squeezing his eyes shut as Sakura let out a pleased sigh beside his ear.

-

"Good thing I slipped them a little something something while they slept," Jiraiya gave himself a pat on the back as he watched Naruto in his predicament. Things were going great, so far!

-

Ino retracted her lips from Naruto's, allowing the blonde enough oxygen to think. Yes, think. He could just wake them up, but then they would probably beat the crap out of him, thinking the awkward positioning was his fault. Well, he knew the first thing he needed to do was get out from beneath his teammate. So, doing what he could, Naruto wriggled back and forth as he oh so slowly started to slide out from beneath Sakura. As he slid against her in his attempt to escape, he did his best to keep his thoughts pure and far away from the visions he had from watching that evil tape from Kakashi. Alas, his noble efforts at gentlemanly actions failed.

Sakura started to get a little red as the boy continued to vibrate around under her in his attempt to slide out from beneath her. The blonde didn't notice this until her breathing had gotten slightly rushed and louder, her limbs squeezing him tighter in an unconscious effort to enhance the sensation of the touch that was triggering some pretty good feelings.

-

"Oh my God, he's sexing her up!" Jiraiya cheered, pumping a fist into the air as he dunked his other into the tub of popcorn he was working on.

-

'_Oh my God, I'm sexing her up!' _Naruto hardly managed to keep the blood from rocketing out of his nose. Damn those teen magazines for teaching him new words! 'Sex' was one thing, but now he was using it as a verb! He knew what a verb was! Wait, sex was a verb before he used in the context 'sexing', wasn't it? Well, if he thought about it, it...NO! That was his problem! He was thinking! Last night he thought, and look where it got him! Sleeping with two pretty girls who were practically molesting him in their sleep! Well, not today! Not this hyperactive knucklehead ninja! Hell no! Time to end the games before Sakura wound up climaxing on top of him! ...Damn those teen magazines for teaching him new words.

"Sakura-chan, wake up!" He commanded, patting the girl on top of the head.

He got a response, but it was definitely not the response he was looking for. Sakura made no indication that she was going to wake up anytime soon, but Ino took the noise as another sign that she should mistake Naruto for someone else and try to kiss him. The blonde girl grabbed Naruto again, whispering, "I know you want it...Hina-chan..." With those confusing words, she locked lips with our friend for the third time.

-

"Hinata!? Hell yes!" Jiraiya (Having picked up on Ino's words with his astounding ninja hearing) started jotting down notes, "Yes, that kicks ass!"

-

Naruto would have exclaimed 'Hinata!?' in a similar fashion, but it came out kind of sloppy and wet because Ino had yet to finish with him. None of this was helping our young hero with his morning affliction, either, which was positioned much to the sleeping Sakura's growing pleasure. She had begun to move around a little bit in her own sleep, not something that was lost on Naruto. But, as Ino pulled her lips from Naruto's muttering something about how Hinata shouldn't be so shy, the unfortunately fortunate male shouted at the top of his lungs, "SASUKE'S GAY!!!"

The two girls were awake before Naruto's mouth had closed, and he found his head in a hole two feet deep as two fists collided with his face. As the girls started shouting at him, he couldn't help but think, _'I still wound up getting punched in the face...Dattebayo...Wait, what?'_

It took several seconds of screaming at Naruto's insensitivity before Sakura realized that SHE was on top of Naruto...had she rolled on top of him? Oh, wow, they had fallen asleep outside, too. Uh oh, maybe she was in the wrong, this time! It wasn't completely inconceivable, and Naruto had woken them up on purpose, after all. Climbing off of the boy and taking him by the arm to pull him up out of the hole he was in, she couldn't help but sigh. The blonde idiot hadn't done anything wrong, she guessed. She wouldn't have been so quick to forgive if she didn't feel so damn good. She must have been having one hell of a dream.

"A-Are you ok, Naruto?" Sakura asked feebly, not all that surprised to find the boy had two big black eyes.

"Yeah, uh...you're n-not mad?" The blonde stammered, fearing that this may be some sort of Sakura mind trick. Get him to lower his defenses, then punch him in the face again.

"Why do I taste ramen?" Ino wondered aloud, smacking her lips and looking around as if that might help bring some sort of an answer.

Sakura shook her head, indicating that she wasn't angry, and prepared to do something she knew would patch everything up and then some. With her lying on top of him, Naruto had displayed true gentlemanly qualities by not doing something perverted, and that deserved a reward, even if it was something this small. With open arms, she stepped forward and pulled Naruto into a hug, "Thanks for being...you know. I...Uh...Naruto?"

The blonde was biting his bottom lip at this point, realizing he was screwed. His morning affliction had yet to leave him, and Sakura had taken notice of it as they hugged, "Y-Yes, S-S-Sakura-chan?"

"That's not a kunai, is it?"

"...Can we pretend it is?"

-

Jiraiya watched as Sakura promptly proceeded to beat the living hell out of the unfortunate Naruto, Ino not doing much to interfere. It too a long while of merciless ass kicking before the three packed up and continued for their destination. After all, they had a photo shoot to make. With a heavy heart at how things had turned out, Jiraiya swore anew that Naruto would be his heir to perversion. It was only a matter of time.

_-----Author's other note: Short, yes, and it was all pretty much one scene. I kicked it out extra fast for a friend, however, so please bear with me. The next chapter will be on the photo shoot, so expect that._

_In case some of you were unable to figure out what Naruto's 'morning affliction' was, it was a morning erection. There, I said it. Kinda takes the fun out of it for me to say it outright, but ok. And, yes, Ino is pretty perverted in this story, which makes her fun. Rock on._

_Thanks for all of my reviews, and thanks for reading...-----_


	9. Sapphic Femme, Pt 2

_-----Author's note: Thanks to all who have reviewed! Three hundred + reviews now, and I hope to keep going strong. Also, thank you everyone who's put this in a C2 or a favorites list. It really does inspire me to keep kicking grammatical ass and laying down the law, humor-wise. Well I try, anyway. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Are you ready for this?"

"...No."

"...Me neither."

"Come on, it's not gonna be that hard!"

"Something's gonna get hard..."

"What are you talking about?"

Ino punched the side of Naruto's head, knocking him straight onto his side, "I'm talking about you, you smartass!" The three ninja were standing on the outskirts of the little town where the shoot was to take place. It was a little after noon, and Naruto was ready to go. The girls, however, were reluctant to even look at the place.

Sakura shivered a little bit, realizing that not only was she going to have to...do some things...with Ino, but that Naruto was actually going to see! The people who read the magazine, nasty bastards in her opinion, wouldn't be able to tell the difference between her and Ino and the two they were replacing, so Naruto and Tsunade would be the only ones who knew what they were doing...

"Naruto," The pink-haired girl spoke, "I don't want you to be at the shoot!"

The blonde hopped back to his feet, rubbing the side of his head as he waved his other arm around above his head, "But Sakura-chan, I have to watch out for the stalker! This is my mission, too!"

Once Ino had punched him back to the ground, Sakura continued, "No, it's not. Your mission is to go and eat as much ramen as you can!" She dumped out all of the money she had with her onto the boy, who grinned stupidly from the ground as he started to daydream about eating all day. She looked to Ino to do the same, but the blonde girl had no intention of throwing her money away, so she lied, instead.

"Tsunade didn't tell you because she didn't want to upset you, but when she was whispering to us, she told us that the stalker has been prowling around ramen stands, stealing the food and throwing it away, just for kicks."

Sakura's mouth opened to say something biting at Ino for being so stupid, but Naruto beat her to talking, "WHAT!? NO WAY! I'LL GET THE BASTARD FOR SURE!"

-

"Damn, Naruto, you're too simple..." Jiraiya sighed, shaking his head in disappointment, "But I suppose it can't be helped. Your stomach is more important to you than anything else you've got. But this is fate, you can't escape the photo shoot. If I have to intervene, so be it..."

-

And so, the group of three ninjas disbanded, one to go get some ramen and kick some stalker ass, the other two to perform soft core porn, and acts they hoped never to perform ever again. ...With each other.

Naruto strode happily along the streets, passing people who greeted him warmly, smiles and winks. It was great! He remembered all too well that not too long ago, the people in his village shunned and despised him. They were warming up to the boy at their own rates, but in this place, no one had any reason to dislike him, at all! As far as they were concerned, he was just a regular blonde guy looking for a place to eat. Little did they know, they were looking at the next Hokage!

The boy, grinning to himself as he envisioned his future filled with grandeur, stepped into a ramen stand and sat himself down. He was surprised at how crowded it was. By women, mostly. Actually, upon further inspection of his ramen loving company, he found that he was the only male in the vicinity. Huh, weird.

Thinking about it, everyone he had passed on his way to the stand he now found himself in had been a woman. To go along with their smiles and waves, he had also come across a hefty amount of winks and blown kisses, too. ...When he thought about it, during the past few minutes he had received enough butt pats that he felt more than qualified to become a professional football player. And then some.

Something about this place was different, but he didn't know what it was, exactly. Even back in his own village, Sasuke had never been patted on the butt by more than three people per time he walked down the street, so these people were a lot nicer than the people in his village. That must be it, what else could it be?

That was when Naruto found that he had been wrong about his assumption that he was the only male in the ramen stand, as the proprietor approached him from across the counter, "And what can I get for you today, sir?"

Naruto looked the balding guy over, kind of surprised to find that he bore a stunning resemblance to... "Mr. Ichiraku?"

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" The owner asked pleasantly, looking the boy up and down as though he might have seen him somewhere before now.

"It's me! Naruto! What are you doing out here instead of back at the stand back in Konoha?" Naruto was waving his arms around, worried that Ayame might not be able to hold the stand together by herself! What if it went under while Mr. Ichiraku was gone? He wasn't even there to help, himself! Oh, God, this was bad!

"Konoha? Oh! You must be talking about my brother!" The man laughed, patting the frantic boy on the head to calm him down.

"B-Brother?"

"Yes! Me and my brothers own ramen stands around the world. It's sort of our trade, you see. Wherever you go, you're likely to find an Ichiraku ramen stand!"

"Wow...How many brothers do you have?" The blonde couldn't help but ask.

"Oh, last I remember it was something like four thousand and seven, I believe..."

"WHAT? That's not even possible!"

Ichiraku shrugged, looking over his shoulder to call out, "Ayane!"

Naruto blinked a couple of times as he sat there, "Aya...'ne'?"

No sooner had the sound of his voice faded away did a girl who looked exactly like Ayame peek her head around from the back and ask sweetly, "What is it?"

"How many brothers do I have, again?" The man asked, turning his back to Naruto to look at the girl.

Ayane lifted a finger to her chin in thought, "I think it's...four thousand and eight, isn't it?"

"No, it's seven, not eight..."

"Oh, you're right, seven. Masashi just passed away, I forgot. Is that all?"

"That's all, that's all," Mr. Ichiraku number two waved Ayane off, turning his attention back to Naruto, "See? I told you."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Naruto asked, "Do you have a picture of all of them?"

"Do I have a picture of all of them? Together in one shot? Of course I don't, are you kidding me?"

Naruto jumped as a girl pinched his bottom while passing, rubbing the aforementioned spot as he grinned goofily at the stand owner, "Geez, people sure are nice around here, aren't they?"

All while laughing to himself, Mr. Ichiraku looked around at all of the pretty women filling his stand and the streets outside, "Speaking of pictures, do you by any chance know anything about the photo shoot 'Sapphic Femme' is doing here, today? That's why there are so many women around, they're here for that!"

"Yes I do! That's actually why I'm here, too..."

"Wow, how old are you?" The man asked, a little surprised that the boy had answered like that.

"Why does that matter? I actually brought two of the people who are going to be in the shoot! Speaking of, do you know anything about a ramen stand stalker?"

The man's mouth was wide open, now, as he gawked at the boy in disbelief, "Y-You don't say? From Konoha, huh?" He ignored the odd question about a stalker, "...Could I maybe...I don't know...Meet them? You know, sometime?"

"Sakura-chan and Ino?" It was at this point that Naruto began to think that maybe he was in an interesting position. From the look on his face Mr. Ichiraku really wanted to meet Sakura and Ino. That could only mean one thing: Free ramen! "I'll introduce you to them later if you set me up with a free lunch!"

"Hang on a minute, how do I know you're telling the truth?" The man asked, a little wary about handing out free meals on someone's word, alone.

"I have a picture I could show you of them..." Naruto fished out his frog wallet, then stuck his hand in to pull out a picture of himself with all of his friends, Ino and Sakura among them. He pointed the two girls out to Mr. Ichiraku, who immediately recognized the two, having read 'Sapphic Femme' before and seeing them.

"My God, you weren't kidding! Naruto-kun, I'll set you up with free ramen for a year if you can arrange a night with them, for me! Are you their manager? ...Naruto-kun?" Much to Mr. Ichiraku's dismay, Naruto had blacked out upon hearing 'Free ramen for a year'. The boy was quickly set upon by the multitude of women present for the 'Sapphic Femme' photo shoot, several of them finding a cute new pimp, having overheard Naruto's conversation...

-

"Are you ready for this?"

"...No."

"...Me neither."

Sakura and Ino were in their changing room, staring at the clothes they would soon be wearing. If you can call them clothes. Sakura had, typically enough, a nurse's outfit that looked like it had come straight from Sluts-R-Us. Not only was it impressively see through for clothing, but the lingerie straps and frills just kind of killed her will to live. That little nurse's cap with the red cross on it was kind of pissing her off, too.

But if Sakura was having a tough time dealing with her wardrobe, Ino was having a crisis with hers. All she got were some really small furry black panties with a long black tail, what appeared to be two stickers, and cat ears. If one word could describe her trepidation, anger, and embarrassment, it would have to be magnapissed. Ino was magnapissed.

"I say we forget the mission, and just leave the village forever. You with me?" Sakura ventured to go MIA with her close friend and rival, already considering new names.

"We can't. Sasuke-kun's back in the village..."

"Sasuke-kun's never going to be interested in us until we get sex changes, Ino! We should just give up!" The genin let her head droop in defeat as she spoke.

Sighing, Ino replied, "That's not true, actually. Naruto and I, while you were still in the hospital, we..."

Raising her head, hope and fear in her eyes, Sakura pressed, "'We' what?"

"It's been taken care of, Sasuke-kun won't be gay by the time we get back. Actually, he should be getting out right about now..."

"Getting out of where?" The one who didn't know what was going on was quickly becoming frightened by what she was hearing. Or, more accurately, not hearing.

Ino shook her head, "No, don't worry about it. You just have to know that we need to do this, or Tsunade's going to damn both us, as far as Sasuke-kun's concerned...Because of that promise we made with Naruto..."

"P-Promise? You mean the...the 'light practice'?"

Ino nodded.

"Oh my God, I had completely forgotten about that! Oh God, oh God, oh God, freaking nasty! ...Maybe he's forgotten about it!" Sakura suggested loudly, thrusting a finger into the air.

"He's a guy!"

"He's a Naruto!"

"You're not making any sense, girl!" Ino slapped Sakura across the face, "We told him we'd teach him about sex with a little bit of practice! Do you think it's possible that any living, breathing male would forget something like that? NO! IT'S NOT! WE HAVE TO DO IT!" She found herself screaming near the end, tears streaming down her face, "Think of what might happen if we don't!"

"He might tell Sasuke-kun we promised! He'll think we're lying skanks!" Sakura started to cry, too, throwing her arms around Ino, "But if we DO do it, he still might tell Sasuke-kun about it and he'll think we're easy skanks! What have we done?"

"I don't know!" Ino bawled into Sakura's shoulder.

"And then they kiss..." Someone said from the doorway. The two girls turned to see who it was, both rather perplexed by the man looking in at them, "I was just kidding, geez! Look at me like that...Five minutes 'till you're up, so get changed!"

The girls nodded, still holding onto each other.

Ambrant sighed, mumbling to himself as he turned and walked away, "I can't believe I'm here. I need a new agent, this one's a goddamned pervert...I'm above this..."

-

His head pounding, Naruto opened his eyes very slowly, the light from above not doing much to help his headache. He was...lying on the ground? He very slowly sat up, a ring of women that had been around him backing up to give him a little space. He looked around, wondering what the hell had happened. He was right in front of a bar stool...had he fallen off of it? That would explain the throbbing pain in his head. He noticed a pile of orange clothes right beside him. He then noticed them as his own!

"What the..." But he wasn't naked, no. Actually, he was wearing clothes that looked exactly like his old clothes, only they were purple, "Why am I wearing purple?"

"I don't know," Mr. Ichiraku admitted, looking down at him from behind the counter, "You passed out, and before I knew it, these girls here were stripping you down and putting you in purple clothes! Strangest thing..."

He stood up, and felt something bump against the stool as he did. Reaching up, our young friend found a pointlessly large purple hat on his head, a large white feather protruding from the top. Before he could ask 'What the hell is this ridiculous thing doing on my head?', a pretty girl handed him a cane topped with a big chunk of glass fashioned to look like a diamond. ...At least, he hoped it was glass.

"I took this from Kareem after Marcus iced him," The girl explained, "I think he'd want you to have it."

Not sure what the hell any of that meant, Naruto just sort of nodded a little bit, looking around for a way to get out of this nuthouse. He found an opening, but was stopped before eh could move by the presentation of another item.

A gigantic golden necklace was looped over his neck, bearing a diamond studded dollar sign. He had to lean over a little bit because he found it to be rather heavy, and standing up straight was proving to be somewhat difficult.

"And now, you are complete!" The girl who had given him the bling stated proudly, putting her hands on her hips.

Naruto looked himself over as best he could without a mirror, then stated, "You girls have the wrong guy. Sasuke's gay, not me."

"Gay? Oh, hell no, boyfriend!" One of the women laughed, "We heard you was a manager for two of the girls in the Sapphic photo shoot, so we signing you up as our new agent."

"A what?" The blonde asked, perplexed.

"I think they want you to be their pimp, Naruto-kun," Mr. Ichiraku whispered to the boy, leaning over the counter.

"What's a pimp?" He whispered back hurriedly.

"They want you to sell their...services...to buyers...and such. You get royalties, which basically means you get a cut, so long as you find them work. ...Since we're pals, now, can I get a discount?" The man whispered his answer and request back to Naruto, who frowned.

"Uh, well, I don't really know if you girls are, uh, worth my time, so I think that...uh..." He was pretty confused. Why would they want him to sell their work so that he could keep some of the money? That didn't make any sense. He didn't even know what any of them did! Oh, that was it! Thinking saves the day, again!

"I know! To see if you're even worth selling, I'll test one of you!" He scanned the group of women over, then picked out a cute brunette that reminded him a little bit of Tenten, "You!" He pointed to her, "What do you usually do?"

The girl shrugged, "Blow jobs, mostly."

"Perfect! I could use that right now!"

Several of the women grinned at the boy's eagerness, and the brunette was quickly in front of him and on her knees, but Naruto simply ignored her and hopped up onto the stool, "Old man, get me a really hot bowl of ramen so we can see just how good at blowing this girl is!"

The man tilted his head to the side, wondering just what was happening. Was his stand the site for some sort of twisted comedy, or a very poorly designed pornography script? Something was definitely weird about this mess.

"Someone, help!" A cracking female voice called out, "Someone's stealing ramen and throwing it all over the ground at the Sapphic photo shoot! Oh my God, it's horrible!"

"What the hell is that ho crying for?" One of the women asked raising an eyebrow. She turned to ask her new agent, but Naruto was already gone, dead set on protecting the honor of the fallen ramen, and to protect any other noodles he was too late to save...

-

Jiraiya snickered fiendishly to himself, proud that he could manipulate his voice well enough to convince people it was a woman! "I'm such a sneaky bastard," He gave himself a pat on the back, "Now Naruto will witness something that will bring him over to the dark side...Ha...Ha, ha...Mwuhahahahaha!" He let his evil laughter rise up to the heavens, drawing several confused stares by various attractive women.

Then Jiraiya realized something: He was wasting his time on Naruto while hundreds of beautiful women were gathered in a small vicinity for a lesbian magazine's photo shoot! What the hell was he doing!? Naruto quickly fell to the back burner as Jiraiya hurried to get himself some booty, like the perverted bastard he was.

-

"Where are you, ramen stalker!?" Naruto hissed as he stomped onto the photo shoot. Security came at him like they were going to shoo him away, but when they saw Kareem's cane, they knew that this kid must definitely be a part of the Sapphic ring, and quickly backed off. Damn, they just kept getting younger and younger.

"There, like that! Good, good, keep it going, keep it going, the camera loves you! Oh my God, I love you! Don't stop...Ok, now her neck...Good, good! I love this, it's like you're two different people, today! Keep it up, keep it up!"

Naruto listened to the annoyingly high pitched voice of someone as they continued to coax someone else on. Actually, by hearing his comment about them being 'two different people', our young hero came to the conclusion that the annoying voice man must be talking to Sakura and Ino! Yay thinking! His mind momentarily losing track of the alleged ramen stalker, he followed the voice and took a peek out at the set before him.

That was when it happened. What he saw will forever be burned into the ninja's mind. Sakura and Ino were indeed the ones the man was talking to, all whilst taking pictures of them and telling them other things to do, which they promptly and accurately did. While watching this, Naruto began to feel something odd from down below, which frightened him to no end. There was no way that he...but if THAT was happening when he saw this...two people of the same gender, two girls...watching them do those things...made THAT happen to him?

"Oh my God..." Naruto whispered to himself, backing away, "I'M GAY!"

_-----Author's other note: Just so there's no confusion for some of you, Naruto thinks he's gay because he's turned on at watching two people of the same sex (Ino and Sakura) going at it. Yes, his definition of 'gay' is a little off. Yay misunderstandings! My favorite._

_Also, I gave Ambrant Arandel a little scene in there, because he always reviews all of my stuff, whether I deserve it or not! If he doesn't like it, I guess I could take it out, but still, I thought I'd offer it. It's different for Mediaminer (As no one would recognize him), but still._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	10. Chocolate Milk Is For Winners

_-----Author's note: I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"It can't be..." Naruto, clad in his purple getup that screamed 'shoot me', stumbled backwards away from the elaborate setup that was the stage he had just peaked at. He had seen something rather unorthodox just a few seconds ago, and it confused him. More than anything, though, was that it frightened him. Why was he afraid of seeing Ino and Sakura doing the nasty while someone took pictures? It's simple, really. It scared him because it caused him to nearly jab a hole through his pants. No hands necessary!

"I can't be...not me! It's Sasuke! He's the gay one!" The blonde spoke for no one's benefit if only his own. It was as if somehow saying out loud what he hoped to be true would make it so. In reality, all it did was draw a confused stare from security, who still refused to remove the boy from the area because of Kareem's cane. A symbol of power, wealth, authority, and a nasty bitch slap.

As if to smash him in the face with a big fat 'Guess again', fate then had the photographer say something Naruto wished he hadn't, "Alright, now she's been a bad girl! Spank her, punish that naughty girl!" A second later, a loud slapping noise brought the blonde to his knees in horrible realization. He enjoyed the mental image and Ino's sharp exhalations far too much for it to be normal!

"NOOOOO!" He cried, pushing himself up and running away. ...Actually, in the current state he was in, it was more of a hobble, but he was still booking nonetheless. He had to get far away from that foulness and try to cleanse his mind with something totally not gay. The complete and total opposite of gay. But what? What could possibly be less gay than watching two beautiful girls make passionate, subservient, obligatory-for-the-mission love?

Naruto slowed his fleeing, his eyes slowly widening as he paid closer attention to what he had just thought. Obligatory-for-the-mission? Then that would mean that Tsunade had sent them here knowing that this is what would happen! That's why the girls had been so against it from the start! Mr. Ichiraku number two had wanted to meet them for a night because he thought that they were the two women that Sakura and Ino replaced! So, in turn, the man must also be gay!

Another unpleasant realization dawned upon Naruto, then. Kiba had told him that sleeping with two women was the best thing ever, but wouldn't that make Kiba gay, too? But that worked both ways! He, himself, had recently slept with two women and found that it wasn't THAT great. He actually wound up getting slammed in the face, so it wasn't that much different from getting within Sakura's personal bubble, about five feet. If he didn't really care that much about having slept with the two women, does that mean he isn't gay? But he was still suffering from a rather manly swelling induced by what he had seen, so what the hell did that mean?

"I'm so confused...I wish someone could help me," Naruto sighed, wandering around the small town without any sort of purpose. That was when fate decided to throw poor Naruto a bone. The bone came in the form of...

"What do you need help with, Naruto?"

The emotionally confused blonde looked over his shoulder to find a very welcome sight: Asuma!

"What's going on with the purple clothes? ...And the weird hat? ...And the cane? ...And the bling? It's not halloween..." The jounin wondered aloud, falling into stride with the boy.

"What are you doing here? You came here on a mission too, huh?" The newly created pimp asked, glad to find a familiar face in his time of need. Asuma was an adult who no doubt knew plenty about everything! Maybe he could help him find his way through this mess.

"You bet I'm on a mission, Naruto. How could I possibly pass up an opportunity like this? I'll take it that's why you're here, too? A mission?" The grinning jounin gave Naruto a nudge on the shoulder.

"Yeah, but it's not going so good..."

"You think it might be because of all the purple?"

"No, I think girls like the purple," He recalled how Mr. Ichiraku number two had described the girls stripping him down and dressing him up, "They want to give me money and...stuff."

Asuma lifted an eyebrow, not breaking his stride though he was getting confused, "What kind of stuff?"

"Like blow jobs, I guess. Asuma?"

Asuma had broken away from Naruto, jumping into the first clothing store they passed. A few short moments later, the man came out wearing a purple suit, a wide brimmed purple hat with a huge white feather, and slick purple shoes.

"If you really wanted a blow job, I could have helped," Naruto mumbled. After all of his years of eating ramen, he was a champion when it came to blowing!

"No doubt you could have hooked me up, my young friend, but I thought I'd give this a shot. You've been pretty spot on these last few days, I'm really impressed. If you say this is what the ladies like, I'll take your word on it," The jounin tipped his head to Naruto, flipping a cigarette up from its carton and snatching it up with two fingers, which promptly placed the stick between his lips.

"Well, ok. I guess I'd rather have a girl blow my noodles, too..." That was a good sign, right? He would rather have Sakura blow on his things than Sasuke. That was good, right?

"Noodle, Naruto, noodle. Ha, ha, you're one direct guy, you know that? Naruto..." Asuma lit up his cigarette, putting his arm around the genin, "If I ever have a son, I'd want him to be as sharp as you are. I'm not just saying that, either. You're not raunchy, and that's good. You're just sharp. I don't know what happened, but you've definitely stepped it up, lately."

"Actually, I just started thinking," Naruto admitted, "And it's like I can see the future," He recalled dodging the entire scenario in which Sakura storms home to free Sasuke from Anko.

With a good-natured laugh, Asuma clapped Naruto on the back, "And a great sense of humor, too. Don't know why I never saw it in you, before. Come on, let me buy you a drink," The well pleased jounin now directed Naruto's steps, rather than followed.

"I'm not old enough to drink, though!" Naruto exclaimed, assuming he wasn't talking about chocolate milk.

"Relax, relax. I'm not gonna have you drink anything you're not supposed to! You see? That's what I mean. You're getting in there, figuring women out all while staying within the right boundaries. Not something your average guy could do..."

'_Average guy, huh?'_ Naruto pondered the words silently for a few seconds, then thought, _'Gai! He always calls Lee adorable, and youthful, and he makes him wear tights! Why would he call him adorable if he didn't think it? But does that mean that Gai is gay!?'_

-

Might Gai hopped down the stairs, looking around the office's basement in the dim light for that blasted equipment storeroom. His adorable student, Lee, was waiting for him! Wearing tights, and being all youthful! With a grin, the jounin couldn't help but praise himself for raising such a talented and good-natured pupil. Maybe, one day, Lee would be as adorable as he, himself, was!

Not an impure thought in Gai's mind, he waltzed on over to the locked door and unlocked it, pulling it open to find three women tied up on the floor before him. His first reaction was a 'What the hell?' moment, his second was to look towards the ceiling and think 'Thank you' to whoever could hear him, then his third was realization! These young lotus blossoms weren't a gift from above for him to enjoy, no!

"Sakura, Ino? Is that you?" He asked, looking the two girls over in confusion. He recognized the third to be Shizune, whom he addressed next, "What's going on here?"

Shizune, unable to wriggle herself free or even speak due to the overpowering might of the duct tape, did all she could: Grunt and wiggle some more.

"I see!" Gai stated in a matter of fact tone, "Luckily for us, I'm a master of charades!"

The two porn stars bearing striking resemblances to Ino and Sakura both protested the stupid jounin's assumption that they were playing charades in the only manner they could: Grunting and wriggling.

"Yes, I see that you have already soiled yourselves. That must mean this is a very long game of charades. I admire your dedication...Hm..."

Shizune, once she was sure she had Gai's eyes on her own, looked pointedly at the duct tape covering her mouth, trying her best to muffle that she wanted him to take it off.

Well it just so happens that Gai isn't as good at charades as he says, and he wound up mistaking the seven syllables of 'I want you to take this off!' for 'I want you to play as well!'

"But I am already playing...Oh well, it's your game! Lee will understand that I can't turn down a good challenge!" And before Shizune could finish thinking: 'Please, just stomp on my head. Just kill me, I don't want to live in the same world as you if you can't figure out that this is not a game.', Gai had tied himself up with some rope and duct tape left over from the imposter Tsunade.

After a few seconds of lying there, Gai realized something: You're not supposed to make noises during charades! Geez, some ninja he was...

-

Naruto threw his glass up to his lips, tilting his head back to drain out the last drop of the hardest stuff the place had.

As the boy brought the now empty glass down with a thunk, Asuma raised his hand a little to get the attention of the bartender, "Another chocolate milk for my friend, here."

The grinning genin grabbed the fresh glass as it was slid down the bar to him, taking another swig of the best drink ever. Ramen juice aside, of course.

"So, Naruto, I know that you're still figuring them out, but you must have some sort of preference when it comes to girls. What kind of girl is it that spikes your interest? Gets your motor running?" Asuma asked pleasantly, taking a sip from his own glass of scotch.

"What kind of girl?" The blonde sighed, "I don't think that any girl is right for me..."

"Ah, I know it feels like that sometimes, but the right one's out there. You just have to hang tight and keep looking. Come on, what do you look for in a girl?"

The boy took another drink, wondering about that, himself. Well, he knew he liked how Sakura looked, even if she beat the living crap out of him at the drop of a pin. Hinata was alright, but she was too shy. Tenten was sort of normal, but he didn't really think much of her. There was Ino, but she seemed like a consolation prize if Sakura was too much for him to get.

"I guess..." He began, "I like them to be normal sized. You know, not really skinny, but not fat, either?"

Asuma nodded sagely, "You like a little love handle, I get it. A real woman, I respect that."

"...Yeah. And I guess she should be kind of pretty...and tough. I like girls who can take care of themselves! But, sometimes, she'd still ask me to do things for her."

"Alright, alright."

"But...most of all, I'd want us to be friends. Someone that I'd be happy to just sit around with, and who'd like to sit around with me. Just her, me, and a couple bowls of instant ramen. Ha, but no girl would ever go for that kind of thing, trust me," Naruto recalled a time when he had asked if Sakura would like to come over for ramen one night, and he wound up flying through the air after an impressive punch. He surely must have said something else that offended her, because it really was a small thing to ask.

Naruto expected Asuma to say something, but didn't get anything. After a few quiet moments of sipping chocolate milk had passed, he looked over to find Asuma struggling to hold back tears, "A-Are you ok?" The blonde asked, a little worried.

Asuma nodded, rubbing the back of his neck, "Naruto, you truly are a diamond in the rough! From the outside it looks that maybe you're getting your head in the clouds, what with the new getup and the bling, but really, you're just a guy trying to find love. I feel the exact same way, Naruto. Just keep on going, man. One day, you'll find that girl. I know it."

"Well what about you? What kind of girl do you like?" The genin wondered aloud, now slightly interested in what Asuma had to say. As it just so happens, he was right about Asuma being helpful.

Asuma grinned a little, taking another sip, "Ah, don't ask me a question like that..."

"No, come on! You asked me and I answered."

"It's not something that I should talk to you about, I mean..."

"Hey, hey, hey, I bared my soul just a second ago! Come on," Naruto urged for an answer.

Asuma held his hands up, "Hey, don't try and guilt me into telling! Maybe you read one too many girl magazines, because that's a class one female move," The jounin stood up, dropping a wad of bills onto the counter, "Naruto, don't give up on finding that one girl. You never know when she'll show up at your door with a couple of cups of ramen. Hell, she might be closer than you even know. I'll see you later..."

Naruto watched the jounin leave, finishing off his drink. The more he thought about it, the less gay he felt. Sure he liked watching two girls do inappropriate things to each other. So what? He wasn't ashamed, and if a little part of him was gay inside, so freaking be it. Admitting what he liked in a girl to Asuma helped him see that he still liked girls. He'd simply pretend that he was never enticed by what he saw. Speaking of, it was almost time for him to meet up with Sakura and Ino. The shoot (Evil thing) would be over by now, and they'd be ready to go...

-

"So, was it good for you, too?"

"Sh-Shut up!"

Ino grinned a little at her blushing friend as the two of hurriedly made their way for the path back home where they were supposed to meet Naruto, "That last part was interesting. He didn't even tell you to do that one..." She teased the furiously scarlet girl.

Sakura crossed her arms, looking down at the ground as she walked, "I was caught up in the moment, ok?"

"You were caught up in something. Rawr," Ino grinned, making a scratching motion with her hand.

"No! No rawr!" She copied the scratching motion, "We're never to speak of this again! I would absolutely die if anyone found out!"

Ino stopped grinning, nodding, "I know, I know. We're on the same page, I don't want anyone to find out either. Sakura...you know that tonight we'll have to do it?"

"Don't say that," Sakura groaned.

"We promised, so tonight, before we get back to the village, that's when we'll do it. We'll just have to force him to swear to never tell."

"You mean outside? On the ground? In a tent? You've got to be...Oh, crap! There's Naruto, change the subject!"

As the two girls approached the patiently waiting Naruto, they proceeded to call each other 'pig' and 'forehead girl' respectively. Nothing out of the ordinary. This made the blonde feel a little less queasy. They weren't acting as though they had done anything wrong, but did that make it right?

"Th-There y-y-you t-t-t-t-two are!" Naruto stammered so badly he barely even recognized his own voice.

"A-Are you ok, Naruto?" Sakura asked, making a point of not looking the boy in the face.

"NERVOUS? HA! OF COURSE NOT!" Naruto overcompensated for his stuttering by yelling his next sentence.

"So...did you catch the ramen stalker?" Ino asked, knowing that no, he had not.

Naruto had already figured out, through the power of thinking, that the ramen stalker was a clever ruse by the young blonde girl to keep him from the photo shoot. Unfortunately it hadn't worked, so he just shook his head, "The authorities here already got him! So, mission accomplished!" YES! He was back under control of his own talking!

"Urm, th-that's good. Let's get going, now. I want to get home..." Sakura admitted, wanting that shower more than anyone will ever know. Before she got there, though, she still had one last piece of ugly business to attend to...

_-----Author's other note: Updates have been non existent because I'm focusing my attention elsewhere. Next chapter has lots to look forward to, including the light practice promised by Ino and Sakura (Unless something goes wrong!), and the return of Sasuke! I can't promise good update speed at this point because I'm working on other stories, so don't get too excited. ...Or angry, that's not good, either._

_What will Sakura and Ino do? Will Sasuke be able to speak upon their return? Will Naruto ever figure out what's going on around him? What will happen to Naruto's hos? Stay tuned..._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	11. Practice Makes Imperfect

_-----Author's note: Fear my update and its more serious undertones, it has come. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

The two young men sat together in mutual silence, though both were practically bursting with the desire to speak. Each had questions and adventures that they had for the other, but neither was sure how to go about putting them into words. After all, some things were to be spoken of, and some were not. Right now, both had to ponder if what they had to say was something that should be said, or something that should remain unsaid.

The two young men were none other than Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha. They had recently been reunited in the streets of Konoha, simply by chance. ...Well, ok, so maybe it hadn't been so much 'chance' as much as it had been Ino and Sakura sprinting around while looking for him, dragging Naruto with them because 'He was a part of this'. The pink-haired genin had no idea what Sasuke had been through since last she saw him, back in the hospital. She was still haunted by the memory of him singing the Weather Girls. At any rate, she asked Ino no further questions about what she had done, exactly, to Sasuke, because she didn't need to know. She was better off not knowing. The only important thing was that the love of her life was ungayed, and hopefully ungayed like hell.

It was an odd twist of friendship and alliances that brought the two males together this night, each seeking the brotherly understanding and solidity of the other to help them find their way through the miry trenches of the sex and all of the intimidating things that it came with. As Naruto thought this, he couldn't help but shiver. Sasuke? Brotherly? He hoped not. The young Uchiha wanted to kill his blood brother, so maybe that was a road he didn't want to go down.

It was an odd twist of fear and indigestion that brought the two shinobi together in Naruto's apartment, he sought escape from the frightening estrogen by the names of 'Sakura' and 'Ino', and found it in a place neither one wanted to go: Naruto's place. At least, that's what the Uchiha prodigy believed, at the time of his decision.

"Uh...You want some...I don't know, here..." Naruto reached over to the little bowl of treats that he had found packaged up for him at his door, waiting for his return. The package had definitely been a nice one, all laced up and more expensive looking than the goodies it contained. Nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise to come home to.

Sasuke reached to grab one of the colorful pieces from the bowl, even if a little nervously, "Y-Yeah, I likes me some candy..." He muttered below his breath, popping the sweet into his mouth.

Naruto forced a smile, because forced was the only way it was going to come, right then. For one, he knew Sasuke didn't like sweets at all, and for two, "That was pretty un-Sasuke-like."

"I know, I know," He'd never admit that he only said it because he was anxious and just said the first thing that came to his mind. ...The first thing that wasn't: 'Get that rainbow colored dog shit away from me', anyway, "It was pretty out of character."

"No kidding. The only way it could have been more out of character would be if you had said something like 'I love you, Naruto, and I always have', or something gay like that."

The two shared a laugh, then both got real serious, Sasuke stating rather bluntly, "Yeah, hell would have to freeze over and women would have to unanimously vote chocolate as their least favorite food for that to happen."

"And we're going with the chocolate thing as the less likely of the two?"

"You bet your ass, we are. Needed a safety net in case hell does freeze over."

"Good thinking."

The two, both feeling a little more relaxed now that they had made it clear that Sasuke would NEVER have any kind of amorous feelings for Naruto, not that it was ever really an issue as they were simply making small talk. The blonde of the two opened his mouth to finally ask how Anko's treatment had been, but a knock at his door caused him to shut it just as quickly.

"Oh, crap!" Sasuke yelped, ducking down in front of the couch to hide.

"How ninja-like," Naruto mumbled.

"If it's Sakura or Ino, I'm not here!"

"Ha! There's no way it's either one of them, don't worry about that. They'd never show up here. It's probably just Iruka-sensei. Whoever it is," Naruto stood up, moving for the door, "We need to talk about some stuff, so I'm just gonna send them away."

As the genin reached for the doorknob, he felt kind of sad that he could only see Iruka coming to see him of his own free will. Ah, who cares? He pulled the door open, gawking at the person before him in surprise. After a few seconds of the two staring at each other, Naruto finally lied, "Sasuke's not here."

Ino raised an eyebrow, "Why would you just assume I'm looking for Sasuke?" She asked sourly.

"Because you've been obsessed with Sasuke ever since ever? Because you haven't seen him in a whopping two days and you're having withdrawals? Because you're perverted and hope that Anko made Sasuke perverted? Because you're Ino? Would you like me to keep going?" Naruto, now, took his turn to raise his own eyebrow. He noticed that the blonde girl was keeping her hands behind her back, as though to hide something.

"Actually, I'm here for...something..." She mumbled the last part, lowering her once raised eyebrow as if in defeat, though what kind of defeat Naruto knew not.

"Well, I'm kind of busy right now, so what is it?"

"Busy doing what? Watching that porn tape again?" What creeped Naruto out the most was that he caught a hint of hopefulness in Ino's voice. He restrained himself, and didn't call her a pervert. Again.

"Doing stuff, ok? Look, I'll talk to you tomorrow!" He slammed the door in her face, locking it and hurrying back over to his couch.

"Is she gone?" Sasuke asked weakly, still keeping down behind the couch.

"Yeah, I think so. I wonder what she wanted, anyway?" The blonde asked, sitting back down.

"This might sound kind of weird coming from me," Sasuke rose to his feet, then just as quickly sat himself down beside Naruto, "But don't you think that was a little cold of you? Dismissing her, like that?"

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked, grabbing the little bowl of candies and popping one into his mouth, "It was just Ino."

Knowing full well that he should say something along the lines of 'You should be nicer to her, especially since no one ever visits you', but not caring enough to do so, Sasuke merely shrugged, "Ok, so who wants to go first? We have some talking to do, let's do it."

With a single nod, Naruto spoke, "I'll do it. I'll go first. Let me tell you all that has happened to me since I last saw you, particularly, allow me to speak to you of last night..." The young ninja spoke in an uncharacteristically sage-like tone, putting his chin in his hand...

_Naruto's Story_

"PUT IT IN! PUT IT IN! PUT IT IN!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying! ...It's too wet, down here, I can't!"

"Here, let me help!"

And with those words, Ino reached down and grabbed the long, thick object that was so troubling her two friends, much to Naruto's pleasure. Sakura, who had been the first to speak, was practically dying at this point, so wet that anyone a mile away would have been able to notice. She was fidgety as hell, and wanted Naruto to get it in so bad that she could barely stand it.

As Ino guided Naruto with precision and power, his hard tool found its way into the moistness, locking in. This brought out a 'thank God' sigh from Sakura, a cheer of triumph from Naruto, and a pleased smirk from Ino.

"I'm in!" The blonde cheered, thrusting with all of his might to get it in the furthest he could. It took so much work to actually get it in there, he was definitely not gonna let it come back out. Damn, it felt good to finally get the thing in there. After a couple of seconds, the male asked, "Now what?"

"NOW WHAT?" Ino shrieked, grabbing Naruto by the hair, "Don't play stupid!"

Lightning crashed through the sky, thunder pounding across the plains as the three ninja remained outside, still setting up their tent. Naruto, with Ino's help, had just successfully managed to get a rather stubborn tent peg into the soaked ground, which had been reluctant to keep a hold of the tool. All three were drenched to the bone by the blankets of rain as they plummeted down to earth, but Sakura seemed more affected by it than the other two, desperate to get inside and get out of her cold clothes.

A few moments of frantic peg pounding later, the three ninja found themselves stuffed in the tent, each one colder than the next. To make matters worse, their packs with spare clothes had been soaked through, as well, so they had no dry clothes to change into.

'_Ah, weather's trying to make me his bitch by forcing me into this position!' _Sakura groaned inwardly, _'I'll have to take my clothes off or I'll get dead sick! And Naruto's here! It's like stupid weather knew about the promise, all along!'_ "I was going to do it anyway!" She shouted to the top of the tent.

"D-Do what, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, wishing a split second later that he hadn't. Sakura's fist, as it was quite prone to doing, slammed into his face, knocking him over.

"Nothing, you sick pervert!" She snapped, turning so that her back was facing him.

"What did I say?" He asked in a moan from the ground, holding his nose as he did.

Ino, who had just laid her sleeping bag out so that the part of it that had the most dryness left (Which wasn't much, unfortunately) was facing upward, turned an icy glare onto Naruto, "Just stop talking and turn around."

"Last time I stopped talking and turned around," Naruto mumbled as he sat up, "Kiba grabbed my boxers and lifted me into the air with them."

"Well this time when you stop talking and turn around, I'm going to take my wet clothes off. So do it!"

Naruto, who turned around so fast that it kicked up its own wind, had to admit that sounded a mite better than his last shut up and turn around experience. He had wound up throwing those boxers away. Actually, it sounded more than just a mite better, it sounded a BIT better. Wait, no, it sounded...WAIT! NO! This was bad! He was going to be as bad as that perverted hermit, at this rate! All he could think about was Ino and Sakura in wet clothes, only not in them for long! It was one of...wait...what the hell? Naruto brought his hand up to his mouth, wondering what the strange warm sensation was. He touched his lips a little, then looked at the tips of his fingers to find red.

Red? He traced the little trickle up to his nose, his eyes widening in fear as he realized that the red substance was coming from his nose! _'Oh, freaking crap! This isn't supposed to happen in real life, is it!? I must have blown something in my head when I was pushing the tent peg in! That's the only reasonable explanation! I'm gonna die!'_

Ino's arm brushed the blonde's neck as she lifted her shirt over her head, the gentle touch sending chills up the male's spine. He caught himself trying to peek over his shoulder, but quickly pinched himself in the leg as hard as he could to make himself stop. The little stream of red had grown just a little wider. Before he knew what was happening, Sakura's leg was rubbing up against his lower back as she struggled to get the clothes off, which were clinging to her due to the water.

'_NO! Only more blood is coming out!' _A panicked Naruto screamed to himself as he brought both hands up to cover his face and try to staunch the flow. The more the girls 'accidentally' touched him, the more nervous he became, and the more his nose shed the red, _'Why can't I just be dying!? I'm not a pervert!'_

"Naruto-kun?" Sakura asked in a shy voice, which caused Naruto to slowly turn his head to look at the one who addressed him. The pink-haired genin was sitting with her legs tucked beneath her, holding her wet clothes up to her naked form, concealing her chest and just barely covering everything else Naruto shouldn't be seeing. Ino was right beside her, her clothes wrapped around her waist, her back facing him. She was looking at him over her shoulder and letting just a slight blush show on her face.

"Wh-Wh-Wha-Wha...Wh-Wha..." Wow, never before had one person had so much trouble saying one simple word. Even so, Sakura took it he meant to say 'what'.

"Could you please hand me a blanket, Naruto-kun?"

Faster than you could say 'two naked girls', Naruto had flung a blanket at Sakura and dove out of the tent to lie on the ground about twenty yards away. He didn't care that it was raining, he needed a minute to think. Yeah, think.

Sakura exhaled deeply, wrapping herself up in the blanket, "Oh my God, I thought I was going to puke."

Ino grabbed the other end of the blanket and pulled it up to cover herself, as well, "Oh, shut up! We only have to do it once, and remember, we said 'light' practice. He isn't going to put anything in anywhere!"

"Then how the hell are we supposed to show him anything? He's a Narut...I mean, a guy! He's gonna try and stick it somewhere!"

"That might not be true," Ino stated in a low voice, "For all we know, he ran out there to take care of business, himself..."

Sakura frowned, "I'm not sure I follow..." She admitted a little sheepishly.

"You know...Spanking the monkey? Choking the chicken? Flogging the dolphin?"

The medic ninja frowned a little more, "Why do you hate animals so much?"

"'Cause they're sneaky little bastards, but that's not the point! I mean Naruto's probably out there...masturbating..."

The blonde had to stop talking to allow Sakura the time to gag back her vomit. After a few seconds, she continued, "But seriously, that's a good thing!"

Still swallowing hard, Sakura looked at her friend like she was insane, "How on EARTH can you say that Naruto...pleasuring..." Another wave of nausea, "Himself...is a good thing!?"

"Because! He'll have already busted a nut and won't need to do it with us!"

"He'll have WHAT!?"

"You know! He'll be out of man milk!"

This time a little bit of the vomit made its way up into her mouth, but she managed to keep it all down, "I hate you so much," Sakura admitted.

"Hate me all you want, but right now I'm your best damn friend, so deal with it! When he comes back in here, we're going to show Naruto how to get a girl ready for sex..." Ino nodded a little bite, rubbing her chin sagely.

Sakura, with goose bumps all over from the cold, at least that's what she hoped, gathered the courage to ask, "And how are we going to do that?"

"By having one of us instruct him on what to do to the other, and taking turns being the guinea pig."

"WHAT!? You're disgusting! I don't want Naruto doing things to me that you tell him to!" Then Sakura found a flaw with this design, one she hoped she could exploit, "Ok, that's fine! Since it's a guinea pig, then, you go first! After all, you've got the pig part down just fine!" She could probably get Ino into it enough that she would never have to touch Naruto even once! She'd just have to do her best to get both blondes lost in the moment so they'd lose track of her, altogether!

With a smirk that belied her true understanding of Sakura's intentions, Ino nodded, "That's fine, billboard brow. I'll go first. Unlike you, I know how to handle myself in passionate situations..."

"You can't even use the word 'passionate' in any context when Naruto's involved. ...Unless you throw ramen in there, too. And shut up! We agreed not to talk about the shoot, remember!?" Sakura blushed a cherry red.

"I'm just saying, I can handle myself better than you can, and I'm going to prove it," The blonde leered at her rival.

"And how are you going to do that, porker?"

"I'll bet that by the end of our little practice session, I'll have you begging Naruto for the real deal."

"Pssh, like hell! I'd rather get the real deal from a tree. Ok, I'll bet I can get you to beg Naruto for it, too! Winner gets first shot at Sasuke-kun when we get back home!"

Ino and Sakura shook hands, then sat in silence to await Naruto's return.

Naruto, who was at the moment lying on his back staring up at the roiling clouds above him, knew that tonight was the night. If it wasn't fate conspiring against him, or for him depending on your perspective, then it was surely the girl's doing. There was no way Sakura would attach a 'kun' to his name under any normal circumstances. That meant that they were in there, right now, waiting for him to come back so they could get it going, "I don't know if I'm ready for this..." He whispered to himself, though he hardly heard it over the rain.

That was when fate really did conspire for Naruto, throwing him some assistance. Or, more accurately, a book. And it seriously threw it at him, the book landing smack on his face. Confused, the blonde grabbed the book and squinted to read the title in the darkness. He could feel it was all laminated, so he wasn't worried about the rain ruining it. The title read '_How to Break a Woman, by _...'

"The author's name is scratched out...well, whatever! Thank you, Gods! This is just what I needed! Now I'll just speed read a little bit, and I'll be good to go!"

-

Jiraiya nodded slowly, grinning evilly to himself as he watched his heir reading the book as fast as he could, "With my newest, most surefire invention, Naruto, you will become a lady killer faster than any could ever comprehend..." Veiled in the shadows of the storm, Jiraiya prepared his night vision goggles so he could watch the soon to come action.

-

"Wait," Sasuke interrupted Naruto's tale-telling, "So a book flew out of nowhere and hit you in the face?"

Naruto nodded, slightly aggravated by Sasuke's intrusion upon his turn, "Yeah, why would I lie!?"

The Uchiha shrugged, "I don't know, it just seems really suspicious. ...But why would Sakura and Ino suddenly come onto you, like that? They hate you, don't they? Well, sort of hate, I guess."

The hyperactive ninja froze, realizing that he hadn't told Sasuke the reason the girls would do something like that with him! He couldn't! Then Sasuke would know that it was Ino's and his own plotting that had led him into Anko's ungaying trap! He had to come up with a clever and witty lie, right now! "Uh...they were emotional because...they were...uh, on their period! Yeah!"

Sasuke opened in his mouth and tilted his head back in the universal 'Oh!' motion. A couple of seconds went by before he spoke again, "Er, what's a period?"

"It's a time period of sadness that girls have sometimes, and only flying toys and ice cream can fix it. I don't know why, but that's what I've found out, so far."

Nodding a little bit, Sasuke thanked Naruto and bid him continue.

_Naruto's Story, continued..._

The young ninja stuffed the handbook into his pant's back pocket, slowly moving for the tent through the rain and wind. He held his breath in fear and anticipation, though he knew he would be fine. The worst that would happen is that Sakura might punch him in the face again, and that was something he was used to. Hell, it might as well be how she says 'hi'. More than anticipation, though, Naruto felt an overpowering sense of confidence. Even though he had only read a few of the pages of the book, he felt it working its magic on him, somehow. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something had changed...Whatever it was, he knew that now was the time to put the book to the test!

Sakura and Ino both jumped a little as Naruto pulled the tent flap open, both girls turning wide eyes to him as they gulped down their anxiety. Naruto held out a hand to the two, hoping one would take it and pull him into the tent. It was mostly a gesture to see how they were feeling, at the moment, and their reaction told him plenty.

Sakura stared at the hand with a grimace, hoping it hadn't been doing what she thought it had been doing, "Er, what w-were you doing out there?"

He gave them a little smile, climbing into the tent without any help, "I just needed a few minutes to think about some things." The ninja unzipped his orange vest, but left his pants on.

Maybe it was hearing Naruto's voice in a serious tone, or maybe it was hearing that he thought, or maybe it was because they were getting sick from the cold, but both Ino and Sakura found themselves staring into his deep blue eyes and wondering what had happened in those few minutes that stopped his nosebleed, brought confidence back into his once failing voice, and made them feel as though they were the ones who were perverted, not him. Sakura almost wished she could take back that last punch to the face.

"Wh-What things?" Ino asked quietly, surprised at how tiny and insignificant her voice sounded. Usually she was boisterous and domineering, it just wasn't coming out like that, now!

"Just...about this, about now. ...About us, and what we're doing. Girls, I know that you made a promise, and...I'm up here."

Sakura and Ino quickly looked up into Naruto's eyes, both red from being found out. They had been gazing at his chest and how his soaked shirt clung to his every muscle. The pink-haired ninja was licking her lips before she could stop herself.

"And...well, I wouldn't want to do anything that would jeopardize what we have, already," Naruto had to fight to keep the red from his face, though he was pretty sure it was showing in his ears. If it was so dim in the tent, he would have bet his life they could see his embarrassment. He couldn't believe how corny he sounded, but he was just following the instructions of the mysterious book, "You both mean too much to me...for me to ever make you feel so bad about this."

"W-We don't feel bad!" Ino piped up, raising her arm as she did. The blanket started to slide away from her slender form, but she caught it with her other hand just in time.

Naruto laid out his own sleeping bag, which was mostly wet, too. He opened it up and eased himself inside, and then began to get his pants off, "And that's why neither of you would even touch my hand. It's ok, if you don't want to, I don't want to. I'd never want to make either of you do anything you didn't want to do, promise or not." He pulled his pants out of the sleeping bag that now concealed him, and lobbed them aside.

The two girls stared at the discarded clothing in unison, then stared at the back of Naruto's head, which was all he had left revealed for them to see. They were both thinking the same thing: Please don't talk anymore!

Alas, they did not get their wish, "I've gotten used to it. I've learned to accept it...that no one would ever want to touch me, that maybe...maybe I'm supposed to be alone. After all, who would want to touch a monster?"

And this was when Naruto put his resolve to the test. Not only did he have to open up emotionally, but now he had to do something that only the most masculine of men could walk away from intact: He had to cry. But how? The last time he had really had a good cry was when Mr. Ichiraku shut down for a week to fix a pest problem. Oh, yep, that was doing it...

Before he knew what was going on, Naruto felt a warm body slide into his bag right beside him, and the girl took his hand in her own, "Naruto," The voice was Sakura's, "I want to do this."

The blonde turned to look at her, still holding her hand. Sakura's face only got redder as she saw the lone tear meandering down his cheek, and she wiped it away with her hand as she cupped his cheek, bringing him in for the kiss.

-

"Yes...the harem angels sing my praises, for I have created a new hero for them to glorify..." Jiraiya grinned evilly, rubbing his hands together as he surveyed the scene unfolding before him with his infrared technology, the most high-tech in voyeurism, "Less than ten minutes with my new book, and he's making out with a naked girl in his sleeping bag while another one watches...I still got it. After all...Wait...what happened?" Jiraiya, though one of the finest ninjas and perverts in the land, was still unable to hear the three inside because of the rain, and was thus confused and displeased to find the situation changing from what he had assumed to follow shortly after.

-

What do perfect kisses, sitting in a boring class, and really awkward situations all have in common? Easy: Time stands still for all of them. That's why Naruto was so stunned when he found that it wasn't like that, for him. It lasted a good long five or so seconds, and he was acutely aware of every last nanosecond of it, but fireworks didn't burst into life above their tent, angels didn't sing, no light hit them at just the right angle, and time didn't stop for them.

Sakura's lips slowly left his, a shuddering breath escaping her as she slid her hand from his cheek and down his neck to his chest, where it came to a stop. Though he should have been the happiest man alive, having just kissed the girl he had wanted to kiss for as long as he could remember, Naruto's eyes were dim with a sad realization: What if he didn't really love her?

Ino had been watching this entire thing happen in awe, not sure exactly why she was trembling. Excitement? Perverted senses, tingling? ...Jealousy? This situation was just as much her own as it was Sakura's, but why was she unable to capitalize off of it? Why did she want to capitalize off of it? Naruto was ok, but he was stupid and weird most of the time. Sure, he was brave, strong, nice, easily manipulated, innocent as a little girl in Sunday school, and ripe for the corrupting, but he was also cute. ...That wasn't what she meant to think, she meant to think he was also smoking hot in his wet shirt. NO! NOT NARUTO! _'I need to say something!'_ She panicked, and said the first applicable thing that came to her mind.

"You lose."

"God dammit..."

"I told you, you can't handle these situations."

Naruto frowned, looking to Ino for an answer, "Lose what?"

"The bet! Sakura said she'd rather get it from a tree, and I said that by the end of the session, she'd want it from you!" Ino claimed triumphantly.

"Same for you, though, right?" The blonde asked the other blonde, who grimaced, hanging her head in shame.

Naruto plucked his hand free from Sakura's who grinned a little at him, embarrassed and ashamed, "Naruto, l-look..."

Cutting her off, Naruto asked, "And what were you betting?"

Neither one wanted to say it, but a severe look from Naruto brought it out of Sakura, "Loser has to let the winner get first shot at Sasuke when we get back home."

"Sasuke..." Naruto let out a deep sigh, holding out his hand to Ino, "Of course. Hand me my pants."

"N-Naruto, it's still-"

"Less talking, more pants."

Ino grabbed Naruto's pants, a book falling out of the back pocket as she lifted them up. She handed the clothing to the boy, then grabbed the book, reading the title aloud, "How to Break a Woman? I-Is this what you were doing out there?"

"...Maybe..." The offended blonde used the most universally handy response of all time.

Ino flipped it open, and Naruto began to get a sinking feeling in his stomach. Even worse than the one he had a few seconds ago, "It gives steps on...the hell? You...did these things!" She threw the book at Naruto, "You tried to get us to...with steps listed in a book? That's pathetic!"

Sakura looked at Naruto with disgust, punching him in the face to get enough space so she could scramble out of the sleeping bag and get back under the blanket with Ino.

Naruto wasn't going to argue for himself by saying that one of the steps was to be honest with what you say, because they wouldn't hear it. They all sat there in the tent, looking from one to the other, each surprised and disappointed in the others, and at themselves.

"Maybe..." Sakura said softly, "Maybe...we're not mature enough for this kind of thing, after all," She whispered, gazing at Naruto in confusion. When she had kissed him, time had stood still. Her heart was still pounding, and her mind was racing. There was no way she could ever feel anything for Naruto, right?

"Is this why Kakashi-sensei told me to ask adults about sex? Because they're the only ones mature enough to do sex?" Naruto asked weakly, bringing his hand up to his forehead.

"I think...that we all just need to think about some things..." Ino mumbled, looking at Naruto, confused about how she was feeling, "Before we do anything else..."

And think they did, all night long in silence.

-

"And that's what happened..." Naruto finished his story, waiting to see what Sasuke's reaction would be.

"I don't think maturity has anything to do with sex, at all," Sasuke stated bluntly, folding his arms and shaking his head.

"Really? Why not?"

"Don't you remember in the video? They can't talking about pussies, and hitting them. What mature person is interested in hitting cats? And, I mean, what the hell? Did cats actually have anything to do with what they were doing, at all? No, I don't think so. And I don't think they were talking about wussy people, or something, so they must have been talking about cats. What's mature about that?" Sasuke reasoned, then asked.

Naruto had to admit, talking about cats when you were in the middle of being naked and bouncing around with another naked person didn't make much sense, and it hardly seemed like the mature thing to do, "I guess you're right, but...still, I don't know what to make of it all. I'm pretty confused about the whole thing..."

Sasuke patted Naruto on the shoulder, which shook the blonde out of his confusion momentarily. They were on good terms with one another, lately, drawing from their shared strife in the sex. Maybe by the time they got to the end of the treacherous road to understanding it and the girls that you needed for it, they would be like brothers...Not like Itachi and Sasuke brothers, but normal brothers. ...Not that Naruto wanted that, or anything.

"It's bad, I know," The Uchiha sighed, "But we've got our whole lives to figure it out."

"Actually," Naruto groaned, "Hinata's birthday is in about ten days. And while I'm not sure sex is the best present to give, I'd still like to try and figure it out before then."

"I'm pretty sure that's not possible."

"Like how it's impossible to listen to Cher and not be gay?"

"...Shut up! I'll listen to whatever the hell I want, and you're gay for not liking it, too!"

"Hey, hey, no need to get all defensive! Geez..."

Sasuke eyed Naruto angrily for a moment, then let it go, "So you wanna hear my story, or what?"

The blonde nodded, "By all means, let's hear it!"

"Well, Naruto, it was something else. At first it was awful, but after she made me come in a few different places, I started to enjoy it..."

_Sasuke's Story_

Sasuke moved to bust Anko's door down, but the jounin opened it herself and ushered him in without so much as a word. Before he realized what was happening, she had slammed the door shut and locked it. Locked it several times, to be exact. Before he could so much as utter a single word, Anko was dragging him through her place by the wrist.

"Hey, what's the problem? Why did you need me?" He asked in alarm at Anko's silent rush.

"I don't need you. You need me," Was the simple, albeit confusing, response he got.

"Well, then, what do you want? I've got better things to do than waste my time with you..."

"What do I want, my new toy asks me? I want only one thing, and that one thing is something only you can give me, at the moment. If you don't give it to me, I'm going to...well, you don't need to know, because you ARE going to give it to me. Now, if you'll just kindly step in here," Anko asked sweetly, opening up a door to a particularly dark room.

Sasuke, who was normally pretty level-headed when it came to things like...wait, he'd never been in a situation like this, never mind. All the same, he was a little reluctant to enter the room, so Anko wound up shoving him inside.

"Since you're gay," The jounin spoke, looking around her living room, "I figured you could help me with my interior decorating. Right now it's a little...anyway, what do you think?"

"INO!" Sasuke called out, "IT'S HORRIBLE! HELP!" Nothing matched, at all! She had purple carpet with red curtains, twenty-year-old plaid couches, a horrific looking monkey lamp, and garbage cans filled with dirty laundry, everywhere! He made a dash for the door, but Anko was in front of him before he got anywhere.

"Oh no you don't, pretty boy. I'm gonna use up all the gay in you to make my house kick ass. ...You know, like the ones in the magazines. Don't even try to resist."

"NARUTO! PLEASE!" The Uchiha called for his other friend, but was greeted only by silence, "They're already gone..." He whispered in terror. He was all alone...

-

"Wait, hang on!" Naruto interrupted, "Are you telling me that all Anko did to ungay you was use up your gayness to redecorate her house!?"

Sasuke kicked the side of Naruto's leg, "I'm not gay, you ass hole! How many times do I have to say it?"

"Then what did she do when you told her that?"

"...She laughed."

"...And?"

"...And I spent the next twenty-four hours redecorating her house while we listened to speed metal. She made me come with her to about fifty different stores that all had the exact same merchandise for almost the exact same prices, too. ...Bargain hunting is actually kind of fun."

"And that was the most girl-like thing you have ever said," Naruto stated.

"Whatever. We had to get those red drapes out of there fast and for a good price, because they seriously clashed with the purple carpet."

"I stand corrected."

"...Shut up."

"I'm gonna have a talk with her! I thought she was actually going to DO something!"

-

At this exact moment, Shikamaru and Choji were up on Shikamaru's roof, watching the clouds pass in front of the stars. It had rained last night, but this night was a good deal better, so they would occasionally see the glint of starlight when an opening revealed itself.

"Choji?" The skinny one asked.

"Yeah?" The not-skinny one replied.

"Listen to what I heard, earlier today..."

_Shikamaru's Story_

Shikamaru was minding his own business, walking around the village in a lazy and casual manner, heading to meet up with Choji so they could go and grab some lunch at that curry place Ino liked. It was during this casual walking that the genius ninja spotted Naruto, talking fervidly with Lee, complete with waving arms and odd facial expressions. Now, Shikamaru had two options, here. He could either approach his two friends and see what was going on, or he could just walk away and pretend he hadn't even seen them. The two certainly hadn't seen him, yet, so that was quite the possibility. Naruto had been, of late, acting rather...freaky, to put it lightly. It was only after taking a deep breath and convincing himself that statistically he had to catch the orange-clad ninja at a normal time that he made his decision.

Shikamaru Nara, now decided, hurried up to the two from behind only to hear Naruto exclaim rather emphatically, "...And Sakura-chan was all like, 'Put it in, put it in, put it in!', and I was trying so damn hard..." He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. Goddamn, the odds were laughing in his face. No, seriously, no. He turned back around in defiance, ready to figure this out.

As he approached the two once again, Lee hanging on Naruto's every word like it was divine gospel, the lazy ninja heard the blonde practically shout, "...It was just so wet, it kept slipping out!" Oh, son of a bitch! He should have just kept walking the other way! This is what he turned to do, only to find himself turning right on back around to confront Naruto, yet again

Now Lee was bouncing up and down with Naruto in excitement, both getting really into the conversation, youth practically bursting from their pores. This time, Shikamaru heard, "...So, finally, Ino grabbed it and helped me get it in. Man, you should have seen the look on Sakura-chan's face!"

If only Shikamaru had hung around a few seconds later, he would have discovered that the two were talking about a tent peg that refused to bend to the will of its owner, and not whatever it was that he was thinking, currently. At any rate, the lazy ninja rushed away from the two, realizing that statistics weren't going to be of any help to him, when Naruto was involved. He was like an anomaly that the Nara couldn't insert into his calculations. ...Or something. In his flight, the young man bumped shoulders with Ino in passing, who offered him a simple 'hey' as she passed.

"You filthy whore!" The male spouted, whipping around and pointing at her.

"I missed you too, dick head," The girl waved him off, never even breaking her stride.

-

"So...is it just me, or is something weird going on?" Shikamaru asked his well-rounded friend, who was munching on a bag of chips, typically enough.

"...It's just you," He replied through a mouthful.

"...Whatever."

-

With a long drawn out sigh, Ino lay on her bed, her blow up doll beside her.

"I've had a bad day, Mr. Dickles, can I talk to you?" The girl confided in her anatomically exaggerated, and perpetually excited, doll. She lazily brought her hand up and gave the plastic tube that was Mr. Dickles' manhood a squeeze, causing the doll's voice box to speak. In a voice that sounded suspiciously like Brad Pitt's, the man toy replied 'Oh, yeah, baby...'

"Thanks. I just...It's about Naruto..." She gave the tube another squeeze, which prompted another remark from the doll, 'Damn! What a pussy...'

Ino shrugged, "I used to think that, too, but...I don't know. He just seems different, lately. I thought I hated him...Or at the least that I was embarrassed to even be seen with him, but now...I don't know, it's embarrassing," Another squeeze of the man tube, another response, 'Don't stop now, baby...'

"Well..." Ino murmured, "Ok. This is what happened..."

_Ino's Story_

She wasn't going to lie to herself. Her first reaction when she made it back to the village was to make a mad dash for Sasuke's place. Ino, however, found that wasn't what she did. Her mind was saying 'What are you doing, you crazy bitch? Sasuke's waiting, baby!', but her heart was saying 'What are you doing, you crazy bitch? Naruto's waiting, baby!'. Her body, though, seemed intent on taking her home. Even though her personal self wanted to split up and go three different ways, the way she went may have been the best way of all. For on this way, she was spotted by her lead jounin, Asuma, who was able to read the confusion and need for help all over her face.

The man approached her, doing what he did every time he saw her: Block from memory the girl that looked like her in Sapphic Femme, "What's wrong, Ino? You're looking a little lost, in your own village, no less."

Ino was a little surprised by the sound of his voice, but hid it as she replied, "Uh, it's nothing. I'm just having a little...relationship trouble, that's all. I know, it's not something you can help with," She recalled how in the past, Asuma hadn't been very good at any sort of help in any form that involved boys. Or women. Or nicotine patches. So the next words that came from the jounin's mouth surprised her.

"Why don't you come get a drink with me? I'll see what I can do."

-

In a matter of minutes, the girl found herself sitting beside the man in one of Konoha's bars, though each was quiet. She eventually opened her mouth to speak, but Asuma raised a hand to keep her quiet, "Ino, I know that you're at an age where stuff gets confusing. It's like that for Naruto, too."

Ino felt her throat tighten up at the mention of Naruto. Asuma didn't know that she had a crush on that spaz, did he?

"I recently had a talk with him about what he looked for in a girl, and I think that it can work for you, too. He told me...that what he wanted from a girl most of all was their friendship. That he wanted someone who could be content to just sit with him, and maybe even have a cup of ramen. This is what he really wants from a girl, and he isn't going to settle for something less than that," Asuma spoke of Naruto with a glint of light in his eyes, "And you shouldn't settle for less than what you want, either, Ino. Really ask yourself what you want, and stick with it. Go for it. What's stopping you from getting out of your 'relationship trouble'? Not a thing, I'd bet."

Ino nodded weakly, though she knew that her pride would have something to say about it.

"Then what are you doing, sitting with this old guy in a bar?"

-

Ino knocked on Naruto's door, and was greeted with the surprised face of Naruto, who was quick to state, "Sasuke's not here."

Ino raised an eyebrow, "Why would you just assume I'm looking for Sasuke?" She asked sourly.

"Because you've been obsessed with Sasuke ever since ever? Because you haven't seen him in a whopping two days and you're having withdrawals? Because you're perverted and hope that Anko made Sasuke perverted? Because you're Ino? Would you like me to keep going?" Naruto, now, took his turn to raise his own eyebrow. He noticed that the blonde girl was keeping her hands behind her back, as though to hide something.

"Actually, I'm here for...something..." She mumbled the last part, lowering her once raised eyebrow as if in defeat, the defeat of her pride by her heart.

"Well, I'm kind of busy right now, so what is it?"

"Busy doing what? Watching that porn tape again?" Ino tried to lighten the unpleasant mood by making a weak joke. Sure, they hadn't particularly enjoyed their last mission together, but they had to get by it, at some point.

"Doing stuff, ok? Look, I'll talk to you tomorrow!"

She winced as the door was slammed in her face, hanging her head a little as she stood there for a few seconds. Idly, she brought her hands around from her back, looking at the two cups of instant ramen she had brought with her, "I need to go to bed," She whispered to herself, leaving the ramen by the door and walking away.

-

"But I can't fall asleep..." She finished telling her story to Mr. Dickles, who had only one thing to say as she gave him one last squeeze, 'Let's come together, baby...'

-

Genma looked from one face to the other, to the other, to the other. He stopped at one in particular, his mouth falling open, "Shizune!?" After two days of being trapped in the equipment closet, the four people had been found. ...And Gai won the game of charades.

_-----Author's other note: Holy crap, what a huge chapter. If you didn't like the more serious parts and plot development, then tough. Cry me a river. If you did, cool. I don't know what to tell you is coming next, because the winner of a lemon contest at Naruto Forums actually gets to decide the next arc. I can assure you, however, that the story will take a turn for the more comedy-centric, again._

_Thanks for all of the reviews! Seriously! I mean it, I'm not just saying thanks because it's the polite thing to do, or because my fingers need the exercise, here._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	12. Fishnets Are For Prostitutes

_-----Author's note: Well, the lemon contest has ended and I have chosen a winner. The next girl to be featured in Fetish has been decided, and so I'll now write about her. In her own (Sort of) story arc. I took a joke from the television show 'Scrubs' in this chapter, and will tell you which one it is at the end. If you can see it without my telling you, you have good choice in television._

_I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"Ugh..."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

"Naruto..."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEE-SMASH!

"NARUTO!"

The blonde ninja who went by the name of Naruto sprung up from his bed, looking around as though he were expecting to be sexually assaulted by Tsunade, Shizune, and for some reason Kiba's mom and sister. That was one weird ass dream he had been having...

"God, why did you set the alarm?" Sasuke grouched, rubbing his eyes as he mumbled at Naruto. He had decided to stay the night over for protection against Sakura and Ino, and had slept on the floor beside his friend's bed, "We could have slept in, today. No missions, or appointments, or anything."

His vision slowly adjusting from sleep mode to awake, Naruto realized that there was a dent in his wall and a busted alarm clock on the ground a few feet below. He swung an accusatory finger in Sasuke's direction, shouting, "Hey! Did you bust my clock?"

"No, the w-"

"Don't say the wall broke it, or we're gonna have a problem."

Just before Sasuke completed his truthful sentence by stating that, indeed, the wall was the cause of the broken clock and not himself, he caught the glint of murderous intent in Naruto's eyes. That being the case, he decided he should alter his words, "Oh, you caught me," He held his hands up, grinning, "I helped the wall do it. I'd do it again, too."

Trembling for a second as though he might explode, Naruto stood silent briefly before letting the anger go and moving over to the alarm clock. Dropping to his knees to pick up the ruined time teller, the blonde ninja sighed as he looked it over.

"What's the problem?" Sasuke asked, folding his arms, "It's just a stupid alarm clock. Just get another one, they're dirt cheap, anyway."

"You don't understand," Naruto replied sullenly, stroking the now useless device, "This clock isn't like other clocks. ...This clock is special."

"Special how?"

"There's a story behind this clock. It's kind of personal, I don't know if you'd care to hear about it..."

Before a sarcastic remark broke free from his mouth, Sasuke was somewhat revolted to find caring words escape! "If you don't mind saying, I don't mind hearing."

A little bit of surprise in his eyes as he opened his mouth, Naruto spoke, "Yeah, ok. I'll tell you..."

-

_The Story of the Alarm Clock_

_It was a monumental day for our blonde hero. Sakura had asked him to go shopping with her! Of course the phrase 'had asked him to go' could easily be replaced by 'had been hunted, caught, and forced by his loud persistence to let him tag along'. So the most accurate statement we're going to get here is Sakura had been hunted, caught, and forced by his loud persistence to let him tag along. He'd never admit that's how it went down, though._

_It was as the two strolled through the aisles of one unremarkable general goods store that something remarkable happened. In a true feat of pollen and destiny, Sakura was taken hold of by a rapid fire sneezing fit. They just so happened to be in an aisle full of clocks, and Sakura's hand just so happened to not cover her mouth, which led to a nice spray of mouth juice all over the merchandise._

"_Oh, crap! Let's get out of here, Naruto!" Sakura yelped, making a not so casual dash for it. It would be embarrassing if a clerk found out she sneezed all over everything!_

"_I'll be right there!" Naruto called after her, grabbing the clock that had been closest to the sneezing ground zero, "I need a new alarm clock!"_

-

"I never did wash it," Naruto recalled fondly, cradling the broken object.

Sasuke blinked a few times before turning around a walking for the door, muttering 'weird' as he went.

"Where are you going?"

"To wash my hands, I touched that thing."

"...That's it?"

"Yeah, what, were you expecting something else?"

Naruto lobbed the clock onto his bed, following after Sasuke shortly after, "Well, sort of. I opened myself up for a verbal attack, and you just let it go. ...It's kind of weird."

"...You want me to say something mean? Would that make you feel better? Oh, crap! You're right! I've noticed it too, and I just asked if...Now THAT'S weird. I guess...since we share a common enemy, as of late, it's helped bring us closer together, or something sentimental like that."

Naruto nodded, "The sex has brought us closer together."

"I think I'd feel better if you never said that EVER again, Naruto."

"Me too."

A short bathroom-going and hand washing later, the two found themselves in Naruto's kitchen to fix up a ramen-centered breakfast. Their discussion, however, had yet to change paths.

"So..." The blonde of the two mumbled, "Do you miss it?"

"What, the arguing? I don't know, in a kind of nostalgic way, I guess," Sasuke replied, working on breaking a couple of eggs on the edge of a pan because he wasn't going to choke down Naruto's ramen so early in the morning.

"Me too. Do you wanna...see if we still got it?" Naruto pressed a question, bringing his water to a boil as he prepared his usual breakfast.

"You want to argue? Right here? Forget it, I don't miss it THAT much." The sound of the egg sliding onto the pan with a hiss was music to Sasuke's empty stomach.

"Ok, I'll meet you halfway. Can we at least just...You know how we used to just be able to yell each other's name and get our whole point across?"

"Uh, no?"

"Yeah, you do! Like, if I shouted your name you'd know if I was pissed at you, or if I wanted you to watch out, or if I was saying hi, or whatever else. Come on, at least humor me! For old time's sake!"

"It hasn't even been a week since we started learning about the sex, how can you already need humoring? Ugh..." The big-eyed look Naruto was giving him told Sasuke that he wasn't going to get off easy, this time, "Ok, so what? You just want me to yell your name really loud?"

"Yeah!" Naruto threw his fist into the air, "And I'll yell your name like I'm really freaking pissed, and then everything will feel like it should. Ok, you ready?"

Sasuke nodded reluctantly, opening his mouth to yell.

-

Lee, Tenten, and Neji were strolling along at a leisurely pace, on their way towards the training grounds for a little tutoring by their recently rediscovered sensei, Gai! They were talking about something that quickly became unimportant as the path the group of three were on crossed in front of Naruto's apartment complex. All three stopped walking at the same time when they heard Sasuke's voice ring out from the building, calling out Naruto's name long and loud.

Tenten opened her mouth to speak, but paused for a moment when Naruto's voice erupted into the air, calling Sasuke's name. It took a long few seconds for the voices to fade away, and even then it took a few more seconds before Tenten finally stifled her imagination long enough to say the one word that needed saying at this time:

"Kinky," The kunoichi stated happily, nodding sagely with a big grin on her face.

"That sounded very youthful for so early in the morning!" Lee exclaimed, giving the apartment a thumbs up, "I think I'll go and see what they're doing that sounds so youthful!" The ninja decked out in spandex made for the stairs, "After all, if I'm lucky they'll let my youth burn with their own!"

Tenten jumped Lee, grabbing him under the arms and pulling him back into the middle of the street, "Lee, leave them alone! Geez, are you trying to ruin it?"

"Ruin what? I just want to be as youthful as possible to make Gai-sensei proud! No offense, but Neji and I don't make as youthful a combo as Naruto and Sasuke do."

Neji folded his arms, not sure whether he should be insulted or glad, "Uh..."

Tenten threw her arms around both boy's shoulders, the threesome continuing towards the training grounds, "Don't worry, Lee. You and Neji are just as youthful as those two in my dreams."

'_God, I hope I misunderstood this entire sequence,' _Neji thought with a grimace.

'_Tenten dreams about my youth! Gai-sensei was right!'_ Lee grinned, pumping a fist into the air, "Come on, Neji! Say my name!"

"No."

"Say it, I'll say yours! We can be just as youthful as those two!"

"No."

Tenten was hopping up and down as she walked in-between her two teammates, "Come on! Do it, do it, do it! Scream his name, for me!"

"No." The Hyuuga didn't add the part about Tenten sounding really creepy, there.

"NEEEEEJIIIII!"

"LEE! Stop it!"

-

"There, don't you feel better, now?" Naruto asked, sitting down at his couch with his fresh bowl of ramen.

"No, but I feel kind of stupid. ...And like we just made a girl's day, for some reason," Sasuke replied, dropping beside the blonde as the two started to eat, "Oh yeah. You never did tell me why you set the alarm."

"Because we DO have an appointment, today. Only nobody knows it, yet."

"Is it a good appointment?"

"Sort of. I'm going to Anko's house to figure out why she didn't do anything to fix you," Naruto stated.

"I'm not broken! And why even bother? It's not like she's one to listen to what anyone says, anyway," Sasuke pointed out.

"I know, but she treated me a lot different than she treated you, when I went to her house. ...A LOT different," Naruto mumbled, eating his ramen quietly and slowly, which was cause for concern as far as Sasuke was concerned.

"...Is it safe?"

"Nothing's safe, anymore."

The two finished their breakfast in silence, as the seriousness of the situation called for. They would be visiting Anko's house, shortly. ...After they did the dishes slower than anyone has ever done dishes. ...Not that they were putting it off, or anything.

-

"This is it..."

"...I'm scared."

"That just makes you normal. It's ok, just go up there and knock."

"You go up there and knock!"

Sasuke crossed his arms, looking away. The two were standing out in front of Anko's house, the only thing separating them from it was ten feet of nothing, "It was your idea to come out here, remember?"

"And since when did you ever listen to anything I say?" Naruto whimpered.

"Good point. Why am I here, again? This is your little adventure, not mine," The Uchiha turned to walk away and leave his friend alone, but the frightened blonde grabbed him around the waist and held him still.

"Wait! Don't leave me to do this alone! She's seriously scary! Ok, I'll go knock, I'll go do it!" And Naruto quickly found himself before the door with raised hand, poised to knock.

That was when it occurred to him. A grand question that needed some serious answering before he quite possibly sealed his fate by knocking on that blessed door of damnation. Why the hell did he care why Anko treated Sasuke different than she did himself? Was it because that all of the other girls treated Sasuke different than they did him, and he wanted to know why one finally acted...for lack of a better term 'interested' in him, for a change? That made a little bit of sense, but...

But why should that matter? If he were to use his developing powers of thought in this situation, it also made sense that other girls treated Sasuke differently than they treated him. Would it then follow, logically, that Sasuke might find himself inexplicably drawn to women who treat him differently, like he found himself wondering about Anko? It was a strange line of fascination. He wanted to talk to her, to see her, but at the same time, he was so scared he was wondering why he hadn't the foresight to bring an extra pair of boxers, just in case. He decided to put this line of thought to the test, turning to call out to his friend.

"Hey, Sasuke," The blonde called, "Do you want a girl to hit you?"

Sort of taken aback by that question, Sasuke only managed a confused frown.

"I volunteer!" A random kunoichi about their age offered from behind Sasuke, out in the street. She stopped her walking to raise her hand and smile sweetly at her Uchiha crush.

Sasuke waved her off, "Keep walking," He commanded in a stern tone. Nothing like an eager-to-please fan girl to ruin an otherwise great day. ...Wait, today had sucked so far.

Ok, so maybe that line of thought was flawed. Naruto returned his attention to the door and how much knocking hadn't happened to it, yet. Since Sasuke wasn't drawn to girls who would do the opposite of fawn over him, which is to hit him, why did he have the urge to confront Anko? Ugh, he needed to knock on the door! Sasuke was no doubt starting to think about leaving!

Sasuke looked up, putting a hand on the back of his neck as he thought, _'I wonder when Penney's next sale is going to be. They had some really cute tops...I mean, shirts, last time I was in there.'_

Naruto glanced over his shoulder at Sasuke, mistaking the thoughtful face for an impatient one. _'CRAP! Either he's thinking about something unmasculine, or he's about to leave!'_ The blonde found himself on the verge of panicking, and so closed his eyes and swung his hand down to knock.

And that was when Naruto discovered that doors are really quite soft. And warm. Kind of bouncy, too. Not to mention fun to knock on.

"N-N-Naruto..." Sasuke's voice forced Naruto's eyes open, which revealed to him that he wasn't knocking on a door, which he was quick to point out.

"That's not a door..."

Anko continued to look down at his hand as he kept patting her on the chest, making no motion to stop him, and no effort to hide her grin. She had opened up her door from the inside, ready to step out and take care of some business, but had already run into a rather interesting distraction/her goal, "No, but if you keep knocking I'll open up for you."

Naruto stopped knocking on her, "I don't get what you just said...but it intrigues me."

Sasuke's jaw nearly hit the ground. He didn't get what she said, either, but how could it possibly intrigue Naruto?

"Did you just use 'intrigue' in a sentence?" The jounin asked sweetly, putting her hands on her knees and bending over a tiny bit to put her face directly in front of his.

"Just by the simple virtue of exercising thought, I'm getting smarter," Naruto stated proudly, unmoving and unblinking.

"Well then..." Anko slid her arms over Naruto's shoulders and down his back, pressing her forehead against the top of his head and leaning up against him, "What can I do for you, my smart man?"

'_Now he's staring at her chest!'_ Sasuke gaped at the two in their new position, _'He was right! She really does treat him different than she treated me!'_

After several seconds of Naruto gulping and unable to form words as he found himself with too much Anko in his face, the jounin purred softly, "Aw, are we done talking already? You know, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public. ...It's free in private..."

"F-Free sounds g-good..." Naruto slowly began to follow Anko back into the seclusion of her house, but was snapped out of his trance when Sasuke grabbed the back of his jacket and pulled him free from her grasp.

"Look here, fishnet, we're not here to get seduced, so cut it out!" The Uchiha commanded, forcing himself to sound stronger than he felt, at that moment, "We're here to ask you a simple question, and oh my God, what the hell are you trying to say with the whole fishnet thing? I'm sorry, but it makes you look like a total prostitute. There, I said it."

Anko lifted an eyebrow, though she kept her arms around Naruto's neck, "Did you just miss the whole 'free in private' thing? And are you sure you're not gay?"

"Where did that come from?"

"I think it was the fishnet thing," Naruto mumbled, still dazed from nearly being dragged into Anko's house, "What are you, the fashion police?"

"I'm not gay!" Sasuke growled, pulling Naruto completely out of Anko's grips.

"My sweet ass interior decoration would disagree," The jounin stated, a little put out that Naruto was no longer in her embrace, "So what did you want to ask?"

"Why the hell did I want to go in your house with you a second ago?" Naruto blabbed the first thing that came to his mind.

"Actually, that's not a bad question," Sasuke admitted.

"'Cause you wanted me to sex you all the way to heaven. Any other questions?" Anko replied, still gazing at Naruto like she might pounce at any moment.

"Why the hell do you want to sex Naruto?" Sasuke shot his mouth off before the word 'questions' had fully gotten through his ears.

"Because I'm in love with him, dumbass, what do you think?" Anko shrugged, "You need to go see the Hokage. She's got a mission for you two and I was supposed to send you her way. And Naruto-kun, if you ever want to find out ALL about 'the sex', you've only to ask. I'll be seeing you..." She slowly closed her door as she spoke in a sing-song tone, and then all was quiet.

Twenty minutes later, Sasuke managed to formulate words, "Did she just make a confession, or is she playing head games?"

"If Anko heard that, she'd probably say something about showing me how head games are supposed to be played," Naruto replied.

"Is that perverted?"

"I'll bet it is, but I don't know how. God, I think everything's perverted, now. Can't even knock on a door, anymore..."

-

"Crystal?"

"Naru-daddy!"

"Naru-daddy?"

"Wow, Naru-daddy. Never thought I'd hear that one."

Naruto gawked at the girl before him, then looked to Tsunade, then to Sasuke, "What's SHE doing here?"

"I came all the way here by myself to get you, Naru-daddy!" The blonde girl exclaimed, "Marcus is back!"

"Uh, who?"

Tsunade rose from her desk, giving Naruto a very serious look, "Marcus, the infamous trafficker of booty. The king of pimps. He'd dropped off of the map a couple of years back after he killed his nemesis and rival pimp, Kareem, after a ten hour long battle to the death. But then, only a couple of days ago, someone was seen carrying Kareem's cane and accessing a restricted photo shoot for a lesbian pornography magazine."

"It sounds really bad when you say it like that," Naruto mumbled.

"And now, Marcus has come out of hiding to kill Kareem's new heir."

"Heir? When did an heir get named?"

"By accepting Kareem's cane, you became his heir! Actually, it was more like the cane chose you, Naru-daddy!" The blonde stated pleasantly, acting as if everything were alright, and a cataclysmic pimp battle wasn't coming.

"Please stop calling me that."

Sasuke threw his arms into the air, "How on God's green earth can people ask me if I'M gay or not, when all of this weird bullshit is going on? This entire thing sounds like a horrible joke fresh from some random jackass's warped head!"

"Relax, Sasuke, you'll need to keep it all together and just go a step at a time," Tsunade sighed, having already learned all she needed from Crystal, "You are to go with her back to the village you recently visited...Which we will discuss when you get back...and join up with another who has also infiltrated the prostitution ring, and complete your three person team. She's posing as a streetwalker, and she's getting close to Marcus."

"How long has she been in there, to already be close to such a hot shot guy like him?" Sasuke asked through an unbelieving groan.

"Almost two months, now. You'll have to be careful, because Marcus is after you, Naruto. I-"

"Then why send me straight to him?" Naruto interrupted, wishing he had gone with Anko into her house.

"Because you're already in the prostitution circle, so you can integrate yourself into the situation faster and better than anyone else I have available. Besides that, you have Kareem's cane which gives you authority to a lot of people, apparently. So long as you only use it around the right people, you'll be able to get around much more efficiently than everyone else," Tsunade explained, "Besides, you fit perfectly into the plan as Kareem's heir."

"And what exactly is the plan, then?" Sasuke ventured to ask.

Crystal raised a hand, smiling broadly, "We're going to use the sand ninja as bait to draw Marcus out of hiding! She's getting the most customers and bringing in the most money, so he'll be sure to approach her soon. She'll be serving as your girl until he shows up to try and take her for himself, and then we'll strike! After all, taking your enemy's best tool for your own is a great way to cripple them and help yourself, all in one move! He'll make the move not too long after you reappear back in town, Naru-daddy!"

"Did you say 'sand ninja'?" The Uchiha prodigy asked, assuming his role was simple protection.

"She did," Tsunade nodded, "You should remember her from her match against Shikamaru during the Chuunin exams. Temari is her name, and she's waiting for you. Better get a move on."

Naruto hung his head, mumbling, "Do I have to wear the purple clothes, again?" He'd ask what 'prostitution' was, later.

_-----Author's other note: Wow. Just, wow._ _We've crossed over into some seriously messed up territory. Temari is now posing as Naruto's hooker, because Naruto is now a big shot pimp who has to kill another big shot pimp, who is evil. If any of you find that this makes sense at all, please stop with the crack, it's bad for you._

_The joke I used from Scrubs was when Anko said that it cost five bucks to stare in public, but it was free in private. Jordan said something exactly (Or very close, I forget her exact words) like that, so there we go. Playing honest, here._

_Now I'm off to Florida for a week on vacation. Rock on, baby. Thanks for reading...-----_


	13. Doctors Call Their Job Practice

_-----Author's note: I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"And that's why it's called the angry dragon."

"..."

"Hey! Are you listening?"

"...Huh? Oh, you do realize you lost me at hotel, right?"

"Weren't you listening at all?"

"Well, I was, but then I started thinking about something that was, you know, not as boring as you."

"Naru-daddy!" Crystal groaned, grabbing onto Naruto's arm and pointing at Sasuke, "He's being mean!"

The group of three were making their way down a beaten path, one that they had been on not too long ago. The town was in their sights, drawing closer with every weary step. Naruto, donning the purple clothes he was pretty sure only those attracted to men would be comfortable in, looked lazily up at the blonde girl clinging to his arm as she whined about Sasuke being less than amiable. If he was honest, he had no idea what the two had been talking about, at all. He had been thinking about the slow approach of Hinata's birthday, and how he still had very little idea of what exactly to do about it. He'd also been thinking about Anko. A lot. Hearing someone say that they loved him was pretty intense, and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't liked it. It would be even more of a lie if he said he hadn't wondered a million times if she had meant it, or not.

What would that mean to him if she did? If someone loved him...if Anko did, how was he supposed to react? Granted it was a very strong possibility that she was only trying to play with his head, but the thought really had him wondering about her. If he wasn't thinking about her, he was thinking about Hinata or Sakura. Kakashi had said that Hinata wanted some sex from him. It had been a 'sort of' joke, so there was truth behind it, no matter how much or little. If she wanted the sex from him, did that mean that she loved him? Likewise, did Anko want the sex from him because she loved him? Did she love him, though? He had believed for a short time that you needed to love someone to do sex with them, but was that really the case?

And what was he supposed to do about Sakura? They had kissed, but...it didn't feel special at all. Did he not love her like he thought he did? Were they really only just friends, to him? When he thought about her, it still made him happy, but it didn't make him feel dizzy, like it used to. Maybe he'd just worked it up too much in his head, envisioning something beyond spectacular. He likely built it up so high that nothing could have met his expectations. Not realistically, anyway. When he put it like that, he had to admit that maybe he really did love Sakura, but was blinding himself with visions of grandeur and fluffy pink clouds of perfection. It just wasn't like that, in the real world...

"N-Naru-daddy?"

"Huh?" Naruto snapped out of his thoughts which were threatening to consume him entirely. He'd hardly been able to walk straight, all day.

"Are you ok?" The tall blonde girl put her hand on Naruto's forehead, her sparkly blue eyes surveying his own, "You looked kind of sick, just a second ago."

"He always looks kind of sick when he's thinking. He's not used to it, yet," Sasuke provided the answer to the question.

"Yeah, I'm just a little muddled up, right now," He brushed the girl's hand away, "But I'm ok."

Though she was pouting a little, Crystal let it go, and they continued their almost completed march to town in brief silence. Said brief silence was dispersed when the girl of the three let out a little 'oh!', dunking her fist into her handbag to pull out a couple of walkie-talkies, which she handed out to both boys.

"And what do we need these for?" Naruto asked, looking the small black box over.

"You can use these to keep in touch with each other for up to one mile, and I've got one, too! It will help us coordinate from wherever we might be, and keep us from getting caught by Marcus one on one," Crystal explained pleasantly.

"Yeah, I'm not really worried about it," Sasuke replied, offering her the item back, "We're ninjas, and there's no way some legendary purple-clothes-wearing booty trafficker is going to 'catch' me, or even Naruto, for that matter. Give me a break."

"What's 'booty trafficker' mean?" Naruto asked his Uchiha protector, who apparently understood the phrase Tsunade had used before their departure from Konoha.

"Don't know," He replied honestly, "But it sounds pretty lame. Like the walkie. Take it, already!"

Crystal shook her head in defiance, "Nope, you're keeping it! Unless you know some sort of telepathy ninja move you can magically teach me within the next ten minutes, I need you to have them so I can keep in contact with you, at the very least. So tough love, honey!"

"I'll show you tough love!" Sasuke growled, giving the annoying girl a heated look.

"I'll give you a discount, cutie."

"Not sure how that was a good come back at all," Naruto stated, looking at his prostitute with a raised eyebrow, "But cut it out, already! We're almost there, so just keep the lid on. Sasuke, keep the walkie, Crystal, take the lead and get us to where we're supposed to be!"

Deciding to hold his tongue and just get the mission done with as quickly as possible, Sasuke jammed the tiny black communication device into his pocket and kept walking in silence. Crystal put on a big grin at her 'victory' over Sasuke, and picked up the pace a little bit to take the lead.

-

Despite it being so bright outside on this lovely day, it was rather dark inside the room containing two particularly rambunctious people. The curtains were pulled shut, the door was locked, the clothes were off, and the party was on. Well, it had been on for awhile, but nonetheless, it was on, now.

Sweat coursed down her body not unlike a light rain on a window. He couldn't blame her for getting so hot, either. They'd been rather busy for the better part of the last four hours, and he was a bit on the moist side, himself. The way she was moving was enough to send most men into epileptic fantasies, and only by holding onto reality (Along with a couple other things) as hard as he could did he keep conscious at all. He wasn't just a spectator, though. He was touching her. Not only that, he was actually...Oh, damn! This round was about to come to an end, it seemed.

"Temari-chan! I-I'm about to..."

Too late. Ass hole.

-

"Alright," Crystal spoke up as the three allies traversed the streets of the city towards their destination only she knew, "We made it without a hitch, and that's a good thing."

"Really?" Sasuke asked sarcastically, "I thought we wanted something to go wrong."

"Quiet, you! Anywho, now that we're here it's time to meet your new best friend, Dr. Hugh Jwang."

Naruto froze in his tracks, "Doctor? Why are we going to see a doctor!?"

Crystal laughed, flipping her hair back, "He's not really a doctor, that's just what everyone calls him."

"Why?" The Uchiha of the three asked.

"'Cause if you're a girl, he's good for what ails ya!"

"...He knows where the best tampons are?" Naruto asked, raising his hand a little.

"What's a tampon?" Sasuke asked, confused.

Crystal stared at the two for a second, then laughed before starting, "A tampon is a-"

"Toy that makes girls happy," Naruto finished.

"Oh," Sasuke nodded sagely, "Sort of like chocolate?"

"That's a stereotype! And what does chocolate have to do with tampons?" The girl asked, now genuinely confused.

"Nothing. Unless it's in ice cream. Tampons plus ice cream plus grammatically distressed girl equals a happy girl," The blonde stated simply, turning to glance at Sasuke, "Trust me."

"Grammatically confused...You mean a period, right?" Crystal chuckled, then admitted, "You have a weird sense of humor, Naru-daddy."

"I thought a period was when a girl snapped her fingers in a 'z' shape," Sasuke then performed said action, bobbing his head from side to side as he did for dramatic affect, "When they were serious about something. You know, it was like putting a period at the end of their sentence."

"Wouldn't that be more of an exclamation point, though?" The blonde ninja wondered softly.

"So girls can have exclamation points, too?" Sasuke looked at Crystal and asked, "Does it hurt?"

Naruto spoke before she could, "No, I think exclamation points would make girls happy, or surprised, or something. A question mark might hurt, though. Does having your question mark hurt?" He asked, eyeing the girl seriously.

"You have a VERY weird sense of humor, Naru-daddy," Crystal sighed, pointing behind them, "In that bar is where you can find the good doctor. I'm gonna go and get batteries for my walkie in the store right across the street, and I'll be right back with you. Can you handle that?"

"We're not little kids, woman," Sasuke snapped, "Go buy your batteries, we'll be fine."

Waving her away as he spun around to enter the bar, Sasuke flinched when he saw that, typically, there were two bars side by side and he had no idea which one Crystal had meant. Casting a glance at Naruto, he asked sourly, "Do you know which one she meant?"

"Of course I don't. That would mean something would have had to go right. Can't have that," Naruto replied just as sourly.

"Oh, whatever, let's just go," Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the shirt and gave him a little tug. The blonde eyed a ramen stand beside the bar they were headed to, and the several tables and chair out front so people could eat and enjoy the sunshine. It was beautiful, and he made a mental note to eat there at some point. The two strode across the street and flung the double doors to the bar open, looking around at the room now before them.

It was a rough sight. Nearly every man in there was three or four times their size, many bearing huge tattoos of naked women, skulls, dragons, flames, and even some naked women holding flaming dragon skulls. It wasn't too much of a strain on the mind to imagine that a couple of them were old convicts, because some of the scars they had looked a lot like kunai inflicted wounds, likely made upon their capture, or by someone else in prison. At one table, a man had his hand spread out on the surface and was jamming a knife in-between his fingers as fast as he could. He appeared to be missing his index finger. The place also smelled faintly of urine and blood, sort of like a hospital. Only with more needles and less bleach.

After surveying this scene, and having successfully attracted the attention of every patron in the room with the whole 'flinging the doors open' thing, Sasuke did what any self-assured ninja with a mission would do; Get down to business, and let everyone know you meant it. He did so by barking out the following:

"I need a Hugh Jwang, and I need one now! So point me in the right direction or I'll impale each and every one of you until I find one!"

The bar fell horribly silent, just then. The only audible sound was a zipper being undone somewhere in the room.

"Now, I don't see how and I might be mistaken," Naruto mumbled, "But I think they may have misunderstood you."

"We're in the wrong bar, too, aren't we?" Sasuke asked, watching as everyone stood up at the same time.

"Most likely."

-

Though it was so sunny outside on this lazy day, it was pretty shady inside the room containing two particularly busy people. The curtains were pulled shut, the door was locked, the clothes were off, and the party was on. Again. And, again, it had been on for a good while, by this point.

On his knees, breathing hard but hammering harder, the hero of this adventure practically burst a blood vessel when a heavy moan escaped the woman on all fours before him. He took a hold of her hair to pull her head back a little, using the added stability to go at his job even harder than he had been, before, which drew a quick and excited breath from the girl. Uh oh! He was getting to into it!

Temari looked over her shoulder at the man, "H-Hey, d-d-don't do it i..."

Too late. Ass hole.

-

Naruto landed on his hands, somersaulting gracefully back to his feet after having been flung from the bar. He then dodged three men as Sasuke flung them out of the bar, himself then rushing out after them as a wave of angry, testosterone-filled juggernauts spilled onto the street after him.

The blonde caught Sasuke by the arm as he sped by, swinging him full round and into the air, letting him go so he flew into the first bar-goer like a spear, feet first. Several screams filled the area as the bar-fight gone street-fight went into riot mode. Everyone in the vicinity started beating the crap out of each other with no regard for who anyone was, or anything. It was chaotic. Even people from the bar who had originally wanted to break Sasuke's teeth in were beating each other up. If your grandmother was with you, you likely could have given her a jab to the jaw and she probably wouldn't have given two thoughts to it. Naruto watched in wonder as a little girl kicked a little boy in-between the legs, then dove headlong into the fray of nearby fighting children as he fell to the ground, crying.

Somewhat caught off-guard by this sudden turn of events, Naruto was taken by surprise when a mean left hook from one of the bar-goers sent him stumbling over into the ramen stand's eating area, narrowly avoiding a table covered with the precious food he so adored. As he checked to make sure none of the ramen had been knocked over, and therefore wasted, one of the waitresses slammed a chair into his back, sending him stumbling once again, this time into a waitress carrying a tray filled with ramen bowls. Both people fell to the ground, and the ramen was flung up into the air, in which the bowls overturned and let loose shimmering golden droplets of deliciousness into the sky above them. On his back, Naruto watched the glistening golden beauty above him as the sun reflected off of the liquid, sparkles making his mouth water.

"It's a beautiful, wonderful, golden shower..." He whispered to himself as Sasuke grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him into the air, punching him once in the face, "OW! HEY!" Naruto shouted, ready to punch him back.

"It's ok, it's ok!" Sasuke reassured him, following after Crystal into the bar they hadn't picked before.

Once inside, Crystal locked the door and gave Naruto and Sasuke both a stern look, "Not little kids, huh?"

"Hey, we started a riot. How many little kids do you know that do that?" Sasuke challenged.

"Two."

After a second, Naruto looked at Sasuke, saying, "Does she mean-"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well you just HAD to have your batteries, so don't get on our case about it!"

"If you had just been paying attention to me, Naru-daddy, this whole thing could have been avoided!" Crystal pointed out.

"Well you made a horrible mistake in thinking that we were going to pay attention, what with us being little kids, and all," Naruto laughed, raising a hand which Sasuke promptly slapped.

A teen flew through the window near the door, glass littering the ground around him as he rolled to a stop and remained motionless.

"You're right," Crystal motioned to the boy, "That's totally my fault."

"Thank you for being the adult," Sasuke tipped his head to her.

"And what is this all up in here?" A loud voice floated through the abandoned bar, a tall, well-built man wearing a white suit entering from a door in the back. The man didn't stop walking as he scanned Naruto and Sasuke's faces, his eyes finally landing on Crystal, who he gave a curt nod to, tipping his classy white hat to her. He then noticed the gaping hole in his window and the apparently unconscious teen on the ground before it, "Dayum, is he dead?"

Sasuke quickly produced a kunai, which he showed to the beautiful black man before him, "Do you want him to be dead?"

"Don't be silly, Sasuke-kun," Crystal pushed the boy's hand down, "Naru-daddy, this is Dr. Hugh Jwang. Doctor, this is Kareem's heir, savior to us all!"

"Can I call you my Hershey man?" Naruto asked earnestly, hoping for a yes.

Hugh stared blankly at him for a few seconds, then asked, "Are you fer real?" He then looked at Crustal, "Is he fer real?"

"It's a valid question!" Sasuke stated loudly, also hoping for a yes.

"There ain't no way this is Kareem's heir, you kiddin' me? Crystal, you been money in the past, but you musta smoked some weird ass shit to be bringing this kid up in here talking crazy like that. Get on outta here, girl," Hugh turned to leave, but Crystal's voice stopped him.

"Show him your cane," She instructed.

Sasuke promptly unzipped his shorts.

"Not you!" Crystal squealed, "Naru-daddy! Show him Kareem's cane!"

Naruto, somewhat disheartened that he had not been given the ok to call the good doctor his Hershey man, reached over his shoulder and into his traveling bag to pull out the cane, upon which seeing the doctor fell to a knee, lowering his head to Naruto.

"It was true! Forgive me for not seeing, Naru-daddy..."

"You can call me Sasu-daddy! No, wait, can I call you Hugh-daddy?"

Naruto tilted his head a little, looking at Sasuke through the corner of his eye, "Man, what is wrong with you?" He asked in a whisper.

"I don't know," Sasuke replied just as quietly, "I see him, and suddenly I understand why women love chocolate so much. It's not a stereotype or a joke, it's the honest to God truth. This man is why, Naruto. I am confused and intrigued..." A pretty ebony woman showed herself from the back door Hugh had used, moving down a little hall and entering another room, "And now," Sasuke broke off, heading in her direction, "I have to go make a chocolate vanilla swirl, so if you'll excuse me..."

The Uchiha was stopped, however, when he practically plowed into yet another person, this one proving to be a familiar face. Temari looked down at Sasuke, using one arm to push him back a step, "It's about time you two showed up. I was starting to wonder if I'd have to do this entire thing by myself."

-

Hinata looked around nervously, wondering where Naruto could possibly be. It had been no small wonder for her to gather enough courage to visit Ichiraku's ramen stand, and now what? No payoff? That hardly seemed fair at all!

"Naruto-kun..." She sighed deeply, arms folded on one of the tables, her chin resting on them.

"Hm, so you finally decided to come looking for him, huh?" A pretty voice asked.

Hinata immediately flared red upon finding that someone had overheard her, looking up to find an equally pretty face to match the voice.

"I'm Ayame, it's nice to finally meet you. Judging from your face, I'd have to say you were Hinata, right?"

Hinata managed a shaky nod as Ayame sat on the other side of the table, then started to undo her apron, "H-How d-do you know me? D-Don't tell Naruto-kun I came here looking for him, PLEASE!"

"Yep, the cute shy girl that blushes and stammers a lot. Definitely Hinata Hyuuga. You know, Naruto talks a lot about you when he's here."

"N-N-Naruto-kun called m-me...cute?"

This was a defining moment in both lady's lives. Ayame could lie and say that yes, Naruto did indeed talk about her rather often and that he had called her cute on many occasions, likely causing the girl to lapse into a coma where she would likely remain until death. That, or she could tell the truth and say that yes, Naruto talked about her rather often and that he had called her cute on many occasions. For you see, Ayame was a young woman dealing with love. Not just any love, but the love of someone else. She had the opportunity to sow the seeds of said love for this girl! That meant that the difference between the truth and a lie was nonexistent. Whatever she said WAS the truth. If you disagree with her logic, you are wrong.

"Of course he did! The truth is, Naruto is a bit shy, himself, when it comes to things like this..."

"N-Naruto-kun is, too?"

Ayame nodded, all whilst grinning broadly, "It's just the cutest darned thing. He's off on a mission, right now, but when he gets back, I'm sure he'd love for you to be there to welcome him!"

Hinata rose from her chair, both incredibly embarrassed and very happy. She wanted to talk about the whole 'called me cute' thing, but for the sake of her consciousness she staggered to her feet and towards the exit, "O-Ok, I w-will..."

"Bye bye! Good luck!" Ayame giggled after her, very pleased with her interference. Now Naruto was well on his way to love! It was wonderful. She felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Sort of like when...

She was snapped out of her thoughts when a certain pink-haired genin entered the stand and dropped down at one of the empty tables, setting folding her arms and setting her chin down on them.

'_Dare I do it?' _Ayame smirked at the thought.

"Naruto..." Sakura sighed, looking sad.

'_For the god of love is a good god, and a god I shall praise through my works,' _Ayame jumped up from the table, sitting in front of Sakura, "Sakura-chan, how have you been?"

The genin jumped slightly at the intrusion, but gave a weak smile, "I've been...ok."

"Oh, really? You look like you need someone to talk to..."

"No, really...it's ok, I'm fine," Sakura tried to wave off the girl, but knew that the tone in her voice was giving it away that she was plenty troubled.

"It's about Naruto, isn't it?" Ayame knew she was right when Sakura's lips pursed just a little. She played it coy and let the silence ride, knowing the girl would crack and talk any second. She restrained a grin when she was proven correct.

"I came here because it reminds me of him...And I thought he might...you know...be here, a little...or something. ..." She trailed off when she started to feel the heat emanating from her face.

"You know, he talks an awful lot about you," Ayame stated quietly, "He really does like you."

"I think...I did something that maybe...changed his mind...Ah, I haven't been very nice to him, and I'm just feeling bad about it, that's all! It's no big deal!"

"Did something happen between you two?"

Again, Ayame was proven correct by the pursing of Sakura's lips, followed by a rather startling revelation, "We kissed."

It was here that Ayame's inner voice broke out into song:

'_There's a calm surrender_

_To the rush of day_

_When the heat of the rolling world_

_Can be turned away_

_An enchanted moment_

_And it sees me through_

_It's enough for this restless waitress_

_To hear that from you...'_

"Um, Ayame? Are you ok?"

'_And can you feel the love tonight?_

_It is where you are_

_It's enough for this wide eyed meddler_

_That you went that far_

_And can you feel the love tonight?_

_I might freaking dance_

_It's enough to make me and Naruto_

_Believe he's got a chance...'_

"HEY!"

Ayame stopped singing to herself, "Oh, sorry! Ha, ha..."

"You were spacing out for a good two minutes, there. I know, I know, it's a big deal, I know..." Sakura turned as red as the setting sun outside, "I think that was the single greatest moment in my life..."

Ayame squealed in girlish glee, "Oh, you've got to tell me everything! He hasn't told me anything about this, at all!!!"

"H-He hasn't, huh?" If her spirit wasn't low before, it was certainly down for the count, now. That kiss had been spectacular. She couldn't feel her legs afterwards. If Naruto hadn't even mentioned it to the one girl he was likely to talk to, it couldn't have meant anything at all to him. Ooh, it wasn't fair! Why would she want him so bad when he was starting to not want her, at all? "I even got him a box of candies when we got back to say sorry, but I was too embarrassed to actually give them to him and just left them at his door...How sad is that?"

Ayame had to admit, that was kind of sad, but she didn't say it out loud. Instead, she gave a sad smile.

"Ok, you know what? Screw pride! I'm going to his house right now!" Sakura jumped up from the table, but Ayame caught her by the arm.

"Actually, Sakura-chan, Naruto's off on a mission, at the moment, so you won't be able to see him, right now..."

"A...mission?" Sakura's disappointment was very clearly apparent on her face, "Ok, seriously, come on...That's just not even fair...I'm gonna go to bed, now...Thanks for listening..." She started to leave, but whipped around to bark, "And if you ever tell any of this to Naruto, I'll ram my hand down your throat, tear out your heart, and feed it to Akamaru! Get it?"

"GOT IT!"

"Good."

Ayame watched in fear as the genin sulked off to her house, starting to sing to herself again:

'_And I guess that's why they call it the blues_

_Time on my hands, could be...'_

"That's it! I'm going to his house right now, and I'm gonna fu-"

Ayame's singing was broken up by Ino shouting as she walked on by and down the street. She was quick to raise her hand and call out, "Naruto's on a mission."

"Dammit!" The blonde growled, "Wait for me Mr. Dickles, I'm coming home..."

Ayame was quiet for a moment as Ino moved on, then she couldn't help but mutter aloud, "Ino has a Mr. Dickles, too?"

-

"So Temari hasn't done any actual jobs, yet? She's just been using genjutsu to trick her clients?" Naruto asked, a little displeased with this.

"Well, yeah, genius," Temari snorted, "There's no way I'm gonna give anal to some forty-year-old fatass reject."

Kareem's heir sighed, shaking his head, "But I'm sure we'll be getting plenty of anal from you..."

"Yeah," Sasuke piped in, "You're kind of a bitch, if memory serves."

Crystal stared at them for a few seconds, as did the good doctor and Temari, before Hugh stated, "You some crazy cats, you know that? You just so crazy that we might be able to ice Marcus, fer real. Tomorrow night Temari here's gotta a new client that used to be a Marcus exclusive. He's a big spender, and Marcus ain't gonna take kindly to us messing with his customers. I'd be surprised if he didn't send a warning, or an invite, or something. This is the third regular we've snatched in the last week. Thing is, you gonna be there to get the message, big daddy."

Naruto nodded, "Right. We'll use this guy to find out where Marcus is hiding, right? Easy."

"Easy," The doctor echoed, standing up from the small table the five had been sitting at, "Alright, now, the night is young, but we need to be sharp for tomorrow. You three, head on off to the back. There are some beds ready for you, Temari can show you."

Sasuke, along with the others, stood up, "And what about you two?"

"Well, now," Hugh grinned, flashing his shiny white teeth, "I gotta tuck Crystal in, of course."

"...Will you tuck me in, too, Hershey man?"

"No dark chocolate from me, man, now get moving."

With a sigh, Sasuke followed after Temari, as did Naruto. The next day promised to be an important one on their way to reclaiming prostitution supremacy.

_-----Author's other note: The two songs that Ayame sang in her head were both by Elton John, and were 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' and 'I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues' respectively (Although I did noticeably change the first song). Also, I do not take credit for the name 'Hugh Jwang'. It was some random guy's screen name somewhere, and it made me laugh. A lot. And yes, Sasuke is intrigued by the dark meat. ...And neither of them has figured out what prostitution actually is, yet. Also, again also, look forward to my next update coming anywhere within the next three months. I know, I think it's cool, too. Thanks for reading...-----_


	14. Pimp, Pussy Is My Product

_-----Author's note: If you don't remember what's going on in this story, do what I did. Read the chapter before this one. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Hey! Hey, Naru-daddy! Wake up!"

A gentle push followed, but nothing was to come of it.

"Naru-daddy, it's time to wake up!" Crystal tried again, pushing a little harder. Her ninja-pimp was sprawled out on the bed, half covered by a blanket and half exposed to the morning air. He looked so young and innocent. Not to mention cute. When the blonde refused to stir from his sleep, she decided to switch up her tactics a little.

Sasuke, for no real reason other than for the sound of Crystal's annoyingly high voice, decided this was a good time to wake up. The waking up was followed shortly thereafter by a sitting up, which was then followed, in turn, by an angry stare sent to the blonde woman. The anger quickly turned to shock, however, when he saw what was being done to Naruto.

Crystal rammed her hand down the front of her boss's pants, wrapping her fingers around whatever it is that is to be found in guy's pants. And no, it wasn't his wallet.

Naruto immediately woke up, saw what was happening, and yelped in fear as he tumbled out of the bed and away from his molester. He shuffled along the ground and up against the closest wall, eyes pouring tears as he whimpered out, "Why!?"

Crystal put her hands together and set them to her cheek, "Aw! You're so cute and small, Naru-daddy!"

Ouch. No other word properly sums it up.

Sasuke threw an arm up into the air, "Don't call him small, what's wrong with you?"

"I'll have you know I'm average-sized for my age!" Naruto exclaimed, still cowering from Crystal's icy hands. Never before had he been awoken in such a forthright and awkward manner. Not counting that one time he had dreamt of the perverted hermit and him swimming around in a monstrous bowl of ramen. Facing him that morning had been pretty awkward.

"D-Did I say something wrong?"

Temari sat up, rubbing her eyes, "What the hell are you all talking for..."

All three turned to look, then two of the three quickly blushed and looked away. Whoever said that girls don't wear oversized white t-shirts to bed in real life was a liar, and lived in a sad, delusional world.

Temari looked down, fixed her shirt so she was completely covered, and then barked, "That was your plan all along, wasn't it!?"

Sasuke nodded, still red and looking away, "Yes, we woke you up so we could look at you and get yelled at. Because looking at you while you were asleep and quiet would have been horrible."

"I am NOT small!" Naruto continued to whine, "I am a genin, now!"

"What does that have to do with anything, Naru-daddy?"

"Would you all get out so I can change?" Temari growled, huddled up in her blanket to hide herself from the prying eyes of the two males in the room.

Sullenly, the trio did as they were instructed. Naruto cast Crystal a downtrodden look, mumbling, "I'm only gonna get taller..."

-

"What do we need code names for? That's just stupid," Sasuke groaned, wishing more and more Itachi had killed him, too.

"That is pretty stupid," Temari agreed through an exasperated sigh.

"Is not!" Naruto and Crystal barked back. The girl of the two went on, "You underestimate Marcus WAY too much! He's a smart guy. If we use our real names and get overheard, he can use them to find out where you're really from, and then the plan goes up in smoke!" She explained.

"Wait," Sasuke spoke up, "So are you saying you need to be a 'smart guy' to be king pimp?"

"Of course!"

Sasuke, Temari, and Crystal all turned to look at Naruto, who was currently wielding Kareem's cane. This was the ultimate proof that you didn't need to be a smart guy to be a king pimp. He had the cane raised up towards the sky, light scattering through the gem at the top, casting beams of purple light in every direction. Naruto commanded the heavens, "Mackify the nonbeliever!"

And so they stood like that for a good minute and a half, staring at Naruto like he had just sprouted fourteen additional baby makers in the form of rabid tentacles. It should also be noted that tentacles are creepy as hell when used for recreational and or reproductive ends. Finally, Sasuke managed to break through the barrier of being stupefied, and asked, "Mackif..."

He trailed off when the brim of a hat fell over his eyes. His clothes, also, suddenly felt much silkier and a lot more purple than they had previously felt. Yeah, he could actually feel the purple.

"What the hell just happened?" Temari looked from Sasuke to Naruto, then back.

"He raised the scepter of love, of course!" Crystal laughed as though it were a stupid question.

"I mackified the nonbeliever," Naruto replied succinctly.

"Is there a shot for that?" Sasuke asked weakly, not fixing his hat. He was terribly frightened that he was wearing the same clothes as Naruto. That would suck really bad, because then he'd be wearing all purple, a wide-brimmed purple hat complete with a feather, and horrible, shiny, purple shoes. It would suck doubly hard because...

"Aw, you and Naru-daddy are wearing matching clothes!"

"Do you remember that time you left me at Anko's, Naruto?"

"Yeah."

"This is worse than that."

"Wait, wait, wait," Temari growled, "So are you trying to tell me that the cane has magical powers, too?"

"Yep, that's about the truth of it. Marcus wanted to kill Kareem to get his cane. After the epic pimp battle, however, he was too wounded to get it before I took it and ran."

"Wow, that's just about the least likely thing I've ever heard," The Uchiha pointed out.

"Says the boy who just magically got decked out in purple clothes."

"Right. So, code names, then?"

-

The code names were decided after a long debate on whether or not ramen qualified as golden, bronze, or yellow. As they were holding the aforementioned debate, Crystal and Temari served as guides of sorts, leading them around the small village that had still not been given a name. Neither ninja cared enough to ask, though, because any village that would host a lesbian magazine's photo shoot in broad daylight either had no morality, or the best leader in the history of leaders. So, it really boiled down to defining immorality or taking a history lesson. Names weren't that important, anyway.

Their covering of the entire village took as long as it would normally take one to survey an entire village, which meant they still had a few hours to kill before the sun would take the hint and get lost. There were a number of useful ways they could have spent this time. For example, they could have gone over escape plans in the event that something went wrong. A place where they could all meet up in case the good doctor's bar fell under attack. They could have discussed in further detail the plan for tonight. The basic knowledge that was being passed around was that they were going to lure one of Marcus' men out with Temari, who was stealing her third consecutive customer. With the unwilling informant, they would find where Marcus was hiding and...then what? They never really discussed that part. It was like looking for a cup that you didn't need anything for. Once you get the cup, what then? Put it down and go play video games, or something. That didn't sound like it would work, here. These were just some of the things they could have, and probably should have, done. What did they do, instead?

"Down it while it's cold, ladies," The bartender chuckled, sliding a couple of glasses across the shiny wooden surface the four were currently perched at. The two women caught their drinks, and both took a long drink at the same time.

Naruto was currently pinching his nose closed, as the place smelled rather strongly of tobacco and unpaid child support. He was rapidly learning that not many bars smelled good. Sasuke was having similar thoughts, only his pertained more to the awkward clashing of the red tiled floor with the rest of the bright wood furniture. ...Only masculine.

While in-between fervid gulps of her drink, Temari was watching the two boys through the corner of her eye. Since Sasuke and Naruto were ninjas, they knew they were being watched. It also helped that they had the power of sight, of course, but being a ninja was always a plus.

"What?" Naruto finally asked.

The girl lowered her drink, and said, "You two look like little kids with your chocolate milk."

Naruto pointed at her, then retracted his hand to wipe away a chocolatey mustache before pointing again, "Chocolate milk is for winners!"

"Yeah," Sasuke mumbled, "And you look like a broken whore, guzzling down whatever horse piss that guy keeps pouring you, but WE didn't feel the need to point it out." Sasuke raised his hand, and Naruto slapped him a high five. Neither one broke their lock on Temari's eyes.

Like before when there were many things they could have done, there were many things that Temari could have done, right then. They were to laugh at the two, ignore the two, threaten bodily harm to the two, cause bodily harm to the two, or E. Like on many multiple choice tests, there is always that 'All of the above' or 'None of the above' or 'A and B' or 'Other'. That's typically the fifth selection. Temari picked E.

She opened her mouth to say something mean back, faltered, closed her mouth, and repeated. Her failures caused her to turn a little red, but her anger made her turn really red. Oh, yeah, there was the embarrassment kicking in. Now she was really, really red. Yep, he called her a whore. Uh huh, there was the shame.

Sasuke wasn't immune to everything. Some things got to him on an emotional level, even if they did usually have to be singing about vacations. It's all he ever wanted. ...Vacation, have to get away...He stopped singing to himself in his head, trying to figure out where he was in his thoughts. Oh, right. Some things got to him on an emotional level. Teary-eyed, angry blondes wasn't one of them.

"Oh, I'm sorry, whore wasn't a very nice word for me to use," The Uchiha shrugged a little, "I probably should have said something more like floozy or skank."

"Uh, Sasuke?" Naruto poked his friend on the arm, "Maybe you should stop..."

Temari stood up in a huff, and a couple of tears actually fell from her eyes, "I have to pee!" She announced rather ungraciously, hurrying off to the back.

Crystal stood up as well, "I'll go with her, you meanies."

Both remaining sort-of-patrons were now at a sort-of-loss for words. They continued to sip their awesome drinks every now and then, but even the glory of the chocolate milk was diminished in the presence of the glaring fact that Sasuke had just made Temari cry. Both had thought that impossible, and logic told them that they were probably under a genjutsu, right now, but logic wasn't always right. Only every other time. Naruto finally broke the silence.

"Do you ever wonder why girls go to the bathroom together?"

Sasuke, relieved that they weren't going to discuss what had just happened, replied, "Actually, yeah. I have a tough time going when there's someone else in the room, even if they're a latrine or two away from me."

"Yeah, it's weird," Naruto concurred, "But you know what? I think Temari was lying."

"Lying about what?"

"About having to pee."

Sasuke knew that Naruto was probably right. Sure, she might handle that while she was in there, but the main reason she left was to clean herself up and hide that she was crying. Yep, there was the guilt. ...And there was the shame. Great. Then, before the guilt overwhelmed him and forced him to apologize (Something the Uchiha clan was never very acclaimed for excelling in), Naruto continued.

"I mean, think about it. Girls obviously can't pee."

The prodigy froze up, his mind started buzzing as he tried to figure that one out. How DID girls pee? They didn't have the right equipment to tend to such manly affairs, so what on earth did they do in the bathroom? Sure, they could always SAY they were going to pee, while they really wanted to take care of their numbers twos...Or would that be number ones for girls? But if they couldn't pee (Which they quite obviously were physically incapable of doing), then where did all of the water and stuff that they drank go? Their bodies needed to get rid of the liquids somehow, right? Otherwise they would eventually explode. And since neither one had seen very many girls exploding, they figured that must not be the case. One way that they were all familiar with was to sweat. That wasn't the solution to this problem, however, because in their experiences, girls sweat less than boys do. Another way was to...That was it!

"That's why girls cry so much!" Both boys announced loudly, each one pumping a fist into the air.

"It makes perfect sense. Now I get why girls cry so much more than guys do," Naruto grinned to himself, taking a small sip of his drink, which once again tasted rich with success and happiness.

"It's not because society forces onto men and women different standards of acceptable social behavior!" Sasuke laughed, "It's because they need to get the juice out..."

Naruto slapped his hands onto the table, "THAT'S why they have periods! THAT'S why they get all emotional during their periods!"

"Oh, damn," Sasuke sucked in a mouthful of air, so surprised was he, "They have periods so they can flush it all out."

"It makes perfect sense."

"What a breakthrough..."

They raised their glasses high in triumph, and gave a toast to periods. The only thing that kept women alive.

"Well, it's good to see you two butt heads being so chummy and happy!" Crystal interrupted their glorious epiphany.

They both turned to find her standing there, hands on her hips, clearly displeased with them.

"Butt heads?" Sasuke wondered at the odd name calling.

"Naru-daddy, please go in there and talk to her. I can't get her to stop, and the sun's starting to set. It's almost time to meet the client," The prostitute warned her pimp, who rose from his stool.

"I can't go in there, are you kidding me?" He blurted, "It's the GIRL'S room..."

"Oh, please, act your age, Naru-daddy..." Crystal ho-hummed his worry and started dragging him towards the bathrooms.

"He IS acting his age!" Sasuke said, but not too loudly. Better that Naruto be sacrificed to fix his mistake than he.

Naruto briefly considered using the sexy no jutsu, but decided against it. Now that he knew what needed to be excluded in it, he knew he would probably never use that terrible, terrible technique ever again. Ever. He didn't get past that promise to himself before he was tossed into the bathroom, where he landed on his face.

He sat himself up, then really paid attention to the fact that he was on the bathroom floor in a bar, and jumped to his feet. Only the one stall was closed out of the possible four, and the sound of crying was coming from only one stall, so Naruto was able to figure out pretty quickly where his temporary prostitute was. Before he addressed that situation, he took a good hard look around the bathroom. Not a latrine in sight.

"I knew it," He breathed, wandering over to the stall's door. Prepared to handle the crying girl like a man (Not by leaving the room and hiding from her until she's better, the other way), Naruto knocked on the stall door, "Are you alright?" He asked timidly.

"N-Naruto, what the hell are you doing in here?" The girl sniffed noticeably, trying to toughen her voice up by clearing her throat. He could hear her rubbing her face on her sleeves.

"Crystal said you were a little upset, so...here I am. In the girl's bathroom. With you. Right now."

"That's just great," She exhaled slowly, "Why don't you just leave me alone, ok? I'm just going to clean up, and then we can go and take care of that...client, and then everything will be great. Ok? Just leave me alone..."

Naruto really wanted to do that. Nothing sounded better than abandoning the restroom and returning to his drink, which was probably getting a tad too warm for his own liking. So...why wasn't he moving? He tried to get his feet to move, to lead him on his happy way to the door. For a moment he thought maybe his shoes were stuck to something crusty on the floor. He was proven correct when he looked down to find absolutely nothing. His feet were stuck to the floor by stupid, crusty chivalry.

"I think I'm ok right here, for a little while," He admitted, trying his hardest to hide the disappointment in his voice. Sadly, his feet found themselves miraculously unstuck so long as he moved no further away from the stall. He put his back to it to lean and went quiet.

"I'll be out in a minute!" The girl growled.

Naruto sighed, "What, you want me to time you? Come out when you're ready."

"Get out!"

"I can't."

"Why the hell not!?"

He could hear the frustration building in her voice, but still he didn't budge. "Because my friend is crying in a bathroom stall in some random bar after a joke got sent her way. Like hell I'd just leave you in here alone, come on."

Naruto was flung away from the door as it burst open. He teetered across the room and up against the wall. He was pretty afraid of the morbid idea of falling back onto the bathroom floor. God knows how many diseases he had picked up from the first time. He caught his balance on the wall by the door, but didn't get to turn around. Temari slammed herself up against him, digging her face into his shoulder and clutching onto the back of his shirt.

"Naruto...I don't want to do this, anymore..." She sobbed onto him. He could feel her shaking and how his shoulder was getting moist.

"Hey, whoa," Naruto tried to move a little, but Temari was holding on too tight, "It's alright, it's alright. What don't you want to do, anymore?"

"THIS! I don't want to do this mission anymore! I can't do it anymore, no more, no more..." She started to slide down to the ground, so Naruto went down along the wall with her.

"Ok, hey, that's fine. You don't have to do anything, Sasuke and I can handle it," He whispered, bringing an arm up to put on the back of her head. It was difficult to console someone who was behind you.

"You need my help," She said, "I have to do it."

"Why don't you want to do it, anymore? I don't understand. What's so awful about it that it could make you feel so bad?"

She squeezed his shirt a little tighter and replied, "All of the things they do to me...I know it's not real, I know I'm not really doing them, but it...it still feels bad, and I still see it...and I know it, what they do, and how they look at me..." She trailed off into a fit of sobs.

Then it all came crashing down on Naruto like a ton of bricks. What the Mr. Ichiraku from this village had said...

"_They want you to sell their...services...to buyers...and such. You get royalties, which basically means you get a cut, so long as you find them work."_

What Asuma had said, when he asked how much sex cost...

"_Depends on the girl. Some want a forty dollar date, others want a trip to some islands, or something. Thing is, sex never comes free."_

And now what Temari had just said. Oh. God. No.

He got a little rougher than he would have liked to break free of Temari's grip, turning so that he was now front to front with her. He put his hands on her arms and his forehead to hers. Her face was stained with tear-trails. Quietly as he could without her being unable to hear him, he asked, "Do these clients...do they pay you for..."

Temari nodded, looking him dead on as she continued to leak from the eyes.

He slid his arms around her back and pulled her into a hug, which she returned. She resumed her crying, and now Naruto knew why. He had felt badly when Sakura and Ino had made that bet with each other, back in the tent that rainy night. He had felt used and sort of valueless. How much more so would it be for Temari, then, who had been dealing with the feeling for months? No wonder she wanted to quit...

Naruto's head banged the wall as Temari pushed against him, pressing her mouth over his. He didn't get what was happening fro about two seconds, at which point he tried to get away. His back to the wall, he tried to stand up and get away, but Temari rose with him, still kissing him. He took hold of her shoulders and pushed her off a step, "What are you doing?" He gasped for fresh air.

"Isn't that what you want from me, too?" The girl asked, trying to go back in for another one.

"No!" Naruto held her off, "Look, you're drunk! You had like, three or four drinks, but you're definitely still drunk! Come on, I'm taking you back to the good doctor." He swept down and scooped Temari up. Now over his shoulder, she continued to cry and protest.

Naruto danced her out into the bar and called out to Sasuke, "It's up to you guys! I'm taking Crow home, now. Good luck!"

"Hey, wait!" Sasuke rose from his stool, "Where are you going, Nar-" He stopped when Crystal elbowed him in the side, "I mean, Golden Shower, we need you!"

"I still don't think that name came from when he watched that bowl of ramen falling, yesterday..." Crystal giggled.

Out of nowhere, a girl with a large coke in her hand said, "Give me an hour or two, I'll help you out."

"I said I needed Golden Shower, not another fangirl!"

"I know what you said," The girl nodded, taking a long sip from her straw.

"Don't worry, Darkside," Naruto called back to is friend, "I'll be back as soon as I can. You guys take care of your business!" And he was gone.

"And he's gone. Great. Now what the hell do we do? ...I swear to God, girl, quit looking at me!" Sasuke barked at the coke-bearing girl.

"You're the ninja, smarty-pants!" Crystal whispered, "You figure something out!"

Sasuke, using the powers of being a prodigy, thought up a quick idea. He'd just use the transformation jutsu. No problem. "Come on," He took Crystal by the arm, "Take me to the meeting place. I've got it covered."

-

Naruto dropped Temari onto her bed, then sat himself on the end of it. She had quit crying and wiggling about halfway back, and he assumed that she had just tuckered herself out, like a little kid. He rubbed his forehead, trying to get the last things she had said out of his head. It didn't work. She had told him that a lot of the men she wound up being hired for were considered good men. She named some of their positions in the village, too, and Naruto had to admit it. They did sound like good men. They had jobs that were important, and some of them even had families. But...they did things to Temari that made her cry. Things that Naruto didn't want to know about. So...those men definitely weren't good men.

"Not good men at all," Naruto whispered, "Not at all. I'm sorry..."

Temari opened one of her eyes to look at Naruto's back, but let him keep thinking she was asleep. She'd also keep letting him think she was drunk. Anything to get her out of this. He was really very sweet for not trying to put any moves on her, especially now, since he could easily think he had a shot. He was also very sweet for not trying to take advantage of her in the bathroom, when she had given him a pretty open opportunity. He was a nice guy.

-

Sasuke, now done up as Temari through his masterful transformation jutsu, followed after Crystal through the dark streets towards their destination.

"You know," She started, "You look really-"

"Shut up," Sasuke interrupted.

"No, really, you look-"

"Shut up."

"Ok," Crystal drew him off to the side, "This is the place."

Sasuke looked around for any sign of anything odd. A bush, a couple of buildings, a few power poles, a pair of shoes hanging from one of the power lines...He pointed at the shoes, "I thought that meant this was a place to meet dealers for drugs?"

"That's just a silly rumor we started to get people to think that. That way, no one will get suspicious of what's really going on," Crystal explained.

"That doesn't make any sense at all, drugs are illegal, so wouldn't you want to spread the rumor about something else? Like selling cookies, or something innocent like that?"

"Here comes our man," Crystal pointed at the oncoming man with the tip of her head. Safely hidden around the corner of a building, they were nigh invisible! Sure enough, someone intercepted the man. It appeared to be another man. But...Sasuke recognized this man!

"U-Uh oh..." Crystal stammered, shrinking back, "It's Marcus! I can't believe he showed up here, himself! What do we do, Darkside!?"

Sasuke, eyes wide, looked from the man to Crystal, then back to the man. "That's...that's Marcus? You have got to be bull shi-"

_-----Author's other note: After many, many months of not updating this story, I have done the unthinkable. Updated. Thank you for all of the emails and things I have gotten telling me to get off my ass and write. I actually got one from someone last night, sat myself down, and did it up. Snarl, you know who you are, points to you. Thanks for reading...-----_


	15. What's A Filler Episode?

_-----Author's note: I love how so many people guessed at Marcus' true identity! This chapter will tell who was right and who was wrong. The answer to that particular question is actually funny in and of itself. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Are you absolutely sure that's Marcus?"

"Of course I'm sure!"

"...Because I think you're not."

"No, that is definitely Marcus! Look at him, who else looks like that!?"

"I can think of at least one person..." Sasuke, still appearing as Temari, sighed, "I at least thought the person we'd be facing was actually named Marcus."

"Marcus IS his name!" Crystal squealed, even though it was in a whisper.

"No, no it isn't. I know him, come on, we can just talk this one out..." The Uchiha left the safety of around the corner of the building, and went out to meet his enemy. Well, not really his enemy, as this entire thing was probably the biggest misunderstanding ever constructed by anyone or anything.

Marcus sent off the would-be client with threats so that he was all alone. He'd have to deal with this customer-nabbing woman, himself. Luckily he didn't have to wait long, as the girl came walking on up to him as if they knew each other. ...Wait, he DID know this girl! "Temari-chan? Is that you?"

Sasuke smacked himself on the forehead, and would have taken the transformation jutsu off had Marcus not continued.

"This makes everything much easier! You can come over to my side, and forget all about Kareem's heir! He's just a misguided little one, after all..." Marcus' expression darkened, "Or I can just remove you. It's your choice."

"R-Remove me? What are you talking about!?" Sasuke blanched.

-

Naruto wasn't sure what he should do. Now he understood what it meant to be a pimp, and he didn't want to have any part of it. Selling blow jobs was one thing, but selling the sex was a completely, one hundred percent different thing. That meant that Crystal and all of her friends that he saw coming in and out of the bar did that...for money...and he was supposed to be helping them do it...

He swallowed the building nausea and fell back onto his bed. Slowly, he turned his green face to look at Temari, who was still on her own bed. When he had first heard of it, he had been upset with her for using genjutsu to trick her clients into thinking she had done her work, for real. Now, he was very, very glad she had. But...Why?

Why was he glad she hadn't done the sex with these people? It was just a physical act, right? Like walking or jumping. It was just a thing. So why did the thought of her doing that with people make him feel so weird? What a terrible situation for him to be in. He needed to figure out what he could about the sex before Hinata's birthday so he could figure out how to act on her potential feelings for him. He was pretty damn sure he wouldn't be giving her sex for a present, though. Not after everything he'd seen and gone through with Sakura, Ino, and now even Temari. There was always that whole thing about Anko telling him she loved him, to deal with, too. Man, things were much, much less confusing when he was completely oblivious to absolutely everything.

Naruto heard the door open. He sat up to see who it was. "Doctor..." He mumbled upon seeing Hugh.

"She finally cracked, right?" The man asked, motioning towards the girl on the bed, who, even though she was awake, kept still and quiet so they'd leave her alone.

"I'm sorry...I really didn't know what any of this was. I had no idea what she had been going through, or even what I was doing," Naruto admitted, "I wound up messing things up for everyone. Now who knows what happened to the client, and our shot at Marcus is probably gone, for now."

"Big daddy," The good doctor sat on the end of the bed beside Naruto's feet, "When you first showed up, remember how I said you couldn't possibly be Kareem's heir, because you were just a kid?"

"I remember you said not to call you my Hershey Man."

"Not really helping my point, here."

"Oh, yeah, now I remember."

Hugh nodded, "Well, I was wrong. You're more of an adult than any of these other cats I deal with on a daily basis."

Naruto scooted to the end of the bed so he could sit beside his dark chocolate teddy bear. Once accomplished, he asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean it takes a real man to admit he's lost. It takes a real man to admit he messed up. Most important, it takes a real man to apologize sincerely, like you just did to me. You didn't even do me no wrong, but you still said you were sorry because you thought you let me down somehow." The good doctor set his hand on Naruto's shoulder, flashed him a big smile and said, "I'm proud of you."

Naruto returned the toothy grin with his own, "Thanks. It's good to hear that. Hey..."

"Yeah, big daddy?"

"Could you tell me about Kareem and Marcus?"

"Aw, man," Hugh chuckled, "They was something else. Always competing and whatnot. You'd almost have thought they were friends the way they'd carry on. Marcus was always challenging Kareem to whatever, man, I swear, but Kareem never seemed to give a rat's ass. They basically ruled the world of booty, and they were good about it. They screened their clients, made sure the girls were ok with 'em, then made sure everyone had a good time. Those were the golden days, big daddy. Then..." The man trailed off, a sad look in his eye.

"Then what happened? What went wrong?" Kareem's heir asked earnestly.

The good doctor pointed at Kareem's cane, which was propped up in a corner, "Then he got this cane, here. It was given to Kareem by a beautiful, beautiful woman as payment."

"Payment?"

"Yeah. For the good stuff, you know," Hugh laughed, "The cane had a long history for attracting women and for empowering its owner with its mojo."

Naruto tilted his head to the side, "And how did this random girl happen to have it?"

"I didn't say she was some random girl, man, I said she was a beautiful girl!"

"So this beautiful girl had a magical cane that attracted women, and she gave it to the guy who showed her a wonderful night? How did she even have it?"

"Family heirloom, I guess, I never questioned it."

"Sounds kind of contrived."

"Don't be using these weird words trying to sound smart, big daddy," Hugh groaned, "I'm just telling you what I know, true or not! Now, Kareem got this cane, which gave him a hefty boost in the popularity department. He was suddenly getting more clients and better women to work for him, while Marcus was falling behind. Marcus got jealous and wound up challenging Kareem for the cane. That was when they had their final battle, and Marcus felled Kareem after a ten-hour-long power struggle..."

Naruto sighed, "So even though they were friends, they wound up fighting it out that hard over power, huh? I'm glad Sasuke and I will never have to deal with the exact same situation ever."

"Big daddy, you didn't let me finish the story. Or are you good where you at?"

Surprised, the blonde shook his head, "No, continue, continue."

"Well it went a little something like this. Before Marcus confronted him with the challenge, Kareem came to me and shared his plan with me. He knew how bad Marcus wanted to stay on top. He told me that he was tired of the life and wanted out, but felt trapped. He didn't want to just abandon all of his girls. So he made a bargain with Marcus to give him the cane if he helped him fake his death."

"Wait," Naruto held up his hands, "So Kareem is ALIVE?"

"Damn straight that motha's still kickin'. Least as far as I know, I haven't seen him ever since."

"Then why is that cane still here? Why doesn't Marcus have it!?"

Hugh sighed, "Ah, that's where it gets messy. See, Kareem insisted I not tell any of the girls about it. Crystal thinks that Marcus really killed Kareem, so she took the cane and made off with it after their fight. She's been hiding it from him ever since."

"But...why? If she thinks he's dead, then why does it matter?"

The good doctor shook his head as he snickered, "For a pimp you don't understand women very well, big daddy. She had a thing for my man, and the cane is all she has left of him. She's counting on you to help her avenge Kareem's death by defeating Marcus."

"GS! Come in, GS!"

Naruto jumped when his walkie-talky started hissing at him. He unfastened it from his belt, and spoke down into it, "That's not my codename, Darkside!" Naruto knew who it was pretty easily, as Temari was on her bed a few yards away from him. Sasuke had used the transformation jutsu, like he figured he would.

"It feels wrong saying Golden Shower, give me a break!" Sasuke responded, "Where the hell are you? It's a madhouse down here!"

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"It's Marcus! Marcus is here, himself, and you'll never guess who he is! AND MORE! Kareem is here! He's not dead!"

Naruto smacked himself on the forehead, "Well, that's great, I just found that out, too! Who the hell are they, though!?"

-

The infamous Marcus, laughed and said, "Send you back to the village hidden in the sand, of course! I'm sure everyone would be very curious as to what you've been doing way out here. ...Or what you haven't been doing, I suppose..."

Crystal rushed up from behind Sasuke and grabbed him by the arm, "We've gotta get out of here!" She whisper-yelled, "He's bad news!"

Sasuke shrugged her off, "Are you kidding me? He's like, the least threatening jounin I know. Sure, he can fight, but he wouldn't do anything bad. You've got this WAY wrong."

"I see you have a friend, with you," Marcus laughed, "I didn't know that poor man I sent off had such a big appetite for such pretty young lotus blossoms!"

"See?"

Crystal shook her head, "We need to wait for help! We need Naru-daddy and the cane!"

"Gai," Sasuke addressed his friend/enemy, "What is all this craziness about you being Marcus?"

Might Gai laughed, which made this the third or fourth time he just spontaneously laughed, and said, "I keep telling them my name is Might, but they keep calling me Marcus. I think they think it sounds more pimp."

"Did you really kill Kareem over a stupid cane?"

"That cane means more to me than you could possibly know, my pretty young friend," Gai sighed, "You could never understand..."

"Why don't you try and explain it to me? I know where the thing is, I can get it for you," Sasuke shrugged, not quite sure what the big deal was.

Gai stood there, completely stunned. He blinked a couple of times, but didn't manage any words.

"No, you can't!" Crystal gasped, absolutely horrified at the idea, "That cane is Naru-daddy's, now!"

"N-Naru...daddy's? So..." If Gai were any more intrigued and confused at this point, a gigantic red question mark would be hovering over his head. He was hungry, though, so the only thing up there was a stupid-looking red hat.

"Yep, he's thinkin' Arby's," A voice called out from up above.

Sasuke, Crystal, and Gai all looked up simultaneously to find someone rather unexpected.

"KAREEM!?"

"My ultimate rival!"

"Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi Hatake jumped down from the building he was currently perched on, and clapped his book shut upon landing like a cat. Casually he strode on over to Gai, waving a hand as though there were a bad smell in the air, "Don't you think it's time we put this whole ugly cane mess behind us? It's been two years, after all..."

"You know I loved her!" Gai bawled into his forearm, a flood of manly tears unleashed upon the world, "And still you deflowered her and took her symbol of love! It was for me!"

"The cane is hardly a symbol of love. And how many times do I have to tell you? She came onto ME!"

"K-KAREEM!?" Crystal echoed her earlier exclamation.

Kakashi paused his strut forward, slowly turned to look at Crystal and who appeared to be Temari, then gave a quick wave, "Oh, hello. How have you been?"

"I think someone spiked my drink, earlier, but otherwise good," Sasuke retorted. He wondered if there was therapy for this sort of thing. Maybe if he said there was a rape involved, or something, he could worm his way in.

"YOU'RE NOT DEAD!?"

The jounin looked himself up and down, patted his knees, bum, head, and chest. After he appeared satisfied with his self-examination, he closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck like a goof, "I certainly don't feel dead."

That was about it for Crystal. Her eyes rolled up in the back of her head, and she collapsed to the ground.

Kakashi's eyes wandered over to Sasuke's.

"Oh, sorry, should I have caught her? I just don't like her very much."

"What are you even doing here, my rival?" Gai asked, his tears already dried up, "I thought you never planned on returning here?"

Kakashi shrugged, "I definitely didn't. But when I found out what Naruto had been sent here to do, I couldn't sit back and do nothing. I think it's time for you to forget the past and move on. It's not our job to do this, anymore."

"If we don't, then who will join the lonely men with the pretty young flowers of the world? You don't mean you expect Naruto to do it?"

Sasuke watched this, so confused that if given the option between boxers or briefs, he would pick panties. Wait, that was a bad example. So confused, that if given the option between Scrubs or ER, he would pick Grey's Anatomy. ...There are no good examples for how confused he was.

"No, not Naruto," Kakashi stated firmly.

'_Please don't say Sasuke, please don't say Sasuke, please don't say Sasuke...'_ The prodigious Uchiha begged internally.

"I mean for my close friend from two years back, Hugh Jwang."

'_Aw, I wanted him to pick me...'_ Sasuke thought sadly.

Gai scoffed at this declaration, and reached down to undo his pants, "Mighty though your wang may be, you overestimate yourself, my friend! I challenge you!"

"WAIT!" Kakashi threw his arms up over his eyes, "I have a friend whose name is Hugh! Hugh Jwang! I wasn't talking about me!"

"Oh," Gai zipped his pants back up.

"Why would mine just be a friend from two years back?" Kakashi groaned, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, after the whole Anko incident..."

"We're not to speak of that," The white-haired man shuddered, "Now, the score is tied right now, isn't it?"

"Sixty-one to sixty-one!" Gai crowed.

"Well then, I think it's about time we broke that tie, don't you?"

If ever Gai had been moved by words, and he certainly had, he was being thrown by these ones. His rival was actually challenging HIM for a change! Not the other way around! He wished Lee were here to see this...

"I accept your challenge! What are the terms?"

Kakashi pondered this question for a moment, tapping his chin. He said, "If you win, I'll get you the cane and walk around Konoha for an entire day wearing nothing but my mask, and a t-shirt that says 'Might Gai is better than me'. I'll also wave around a flag that says 'I wish I had Might Gai's YOUTH!'. Good?"

Gai closed his agape mouth to stop the drool, and gave a thumbs up, "Sounds good, to me! And what if by some fluke you win?"

"If I win, you'll promise on Lee's youth that you'll give up the life."

"WHAT!?" The jounin nearly fell down, so shaken was he, "But...But..."

"Well, if you're too scared to accept the challenge, that's fine, I guess..."

"Never! I accept! What do you challenge me to?"

With a veiled smile, Kakashi replied, "I challenge you to a pimpoff. Battle to the bitter end!"

Gai slowly raised a hand, and pulled the white glove off. Sasuke didn't know if that had actually been on the entire time, but it was definitely off, now.

The two men slowly approached one another. An ominous air fell over the entire village. Thunderclouds and heavy winds picked up seemingly out of nowhere. "You should get to a safe place," Kakashi waved Sasuke off, "Take Crystal with you. Take good care of her, for me."

The Uchiha didn't move, because he wanted to see what was about to go down.

The two rivals stopped right in front of one another, and stared into each others eyes for several minutes. They were talking, but were just out of Sasuke's hearing. It looked like a mostly long and pointless dialogue, however, so he wasn't too distressed. Just before his patience was about to give way, causing him to watch something else, Gai swung his hand across Kakashi's face in a nasty slap. The struck jounin whipped his head back under the attack, and both froze in that position.

"What, that's it?" Sasuke's jaw dropped, "All of that build up and waiting for one Goddamned hit? And look at it, it did basically nothing! That's..." He trailed off when the building beside him exploded under the shockwaves that suddenly erupted from the two. He grit his teeth and ground his heels into the dirt to try and stay where he was, but the sheer power from the awesome bitchslap flung him and Crystal away. He managed to catch the annoying blonde prostitute as they fell, and kept her from anything more serious than a couple of bruises.

Kakashi retaliated with a bitchslap of his own, and this one caused lightning to crackle dangerously from up above. And so, the two began taking turns slapping each other in the face. Neither one attempted to dodge, and neither one pulled their punches. Er, slaps. With each cheek-crushing blow, Sasuke's mind was filled with scenes of crashing waves, flashing lightning, and exploding mountains and hills. He noted that, though he was very far away, Kakashi's hair looked particularly big and spiky, today. It flashed a bright yellow with every angry clap of lightning.

He pulled out his walkie and called for Naruto, "GS! Come in, GS!"

A couple of seconds passed before Naruto's voice came through the other end, "That's not my codename, Darkside!"

"It feels wrong saying Golden Shower, give me a break!" Sasuke responded, "Where the hell are you? It's a madhouse down here!"

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"It's Marcus! Marcus is here, himself, and you'll never guess who he is! AND MORE! Kareem is here! He's not dead!"

Naruto sounded noticeably irked by this, "Well, that's great, I just found that out, too! Who the hell are they, though!?"

"It's Gai! Gai is Marcus, and-"

"It's GAI!?" Naruto barked, "Then that means Kakashi-sensei is Kareem!"

Sasuke paused for a second, surprised, "Wow, way to steal my thunder, thanks a lot. Anyway, you've gotta come down here, and quick! Bring the cane with you, that's what this whole stupid thing is about!"

"Alright, where are you?" The blonde asked. Sasuke could hear him jogging across a wooden floor before he turned his walkie off to wait for a response.

"I don't know!" He stopped to look at the two battling men, who were now shouting out to the sky while flexing really hard, "Just follow the unnecessarily long charging period vibes!"

"Is that what that is?" Naruto asked, still sounding as though he were on the move, "I thought Sakura had found my blog and was coming here to kill me..."

Sasuke glanced at the two men, who were still shouting and flexing. He had some time to kill, "Oh, really? You actually started one of those things? I mean, I know they're really popular, now, but I didn't think you had one."

"Yeah," Naruto replied, "They're pretty cool. Some people use them for friends and stuff, some like a diary, some just to jot down political opinions or whatever. They're really becoming a big deal in society. The media's taking notice of them, even. Facebook, just as an example, was actually on 60 Minutes, not too long ago."

"Is Facebook really a blog, though? I thought it was more of a MySpace kind of thing."

"Actually, Facebook is a lot like those things. It's the biggest uploader for user photos and that sort of thing, right now. I don't have a Facebook, and I don't like MySpace because I think most people on there either want to hurt me or want to hurt themselves. You know, with razors."

Sasuke nodded, "Yeah, I know what you mean. But you finally got a blog. How come you haven't told me about it, yet?"

Naruto laughed a little bit, "I don't know, it's really just kind of a place for me to get my thoughts down, you know?"

"No, not really. Why would you want to write up your thoughts and feelings in a massively accessible medium where pretty much anyone who has a computer can find them?"

"Yeah, I always kind of feel like an ass after doing it, but I can't help it. I keep going back. I've actually worked up seventy-four hits, and that's pretty good."

"How long have you had the thing?" Sasuke wondered.

"Ah, about three or four months, now."

"Wow, that's pathetic. The Backstreet Boys had more hits than that in a week. I know, I know that's an exaggeration, you don't need to point it out, I'm just saying," The Uchiha laughed.

Naruto laughed as well, "Ok, ok, yuck it up, man. They still fighting?"

Sasuke tore his attention from the pointless conversation on the walkie and looked at the two jounin. They were still yelling. He wondered if they had stopped to breathe, yet. "They're still sort of fighting. Sort of. You almost here?"

"Well, I can hear someone shouting, so I figure I'm getting closer. Hey-"

"Wait a sec, I think something's about to happen!" Sasuke interrupted his friend. Kakashi and Gai stopped their yelling, took a deep breath, then continued. "Oh, never mind. I figured they would be doing that, soon. So..."

_Ten minutes later..._

"Alright," Gai shouted, jumping back. His lungs were now on fire from the nonstop shouting, and he was pretty sure everything shouldn't be spinning as much as it was. Regardless, he roared, "Let's settle this like REAL pimps! Come on out, girls!"

His voice, though noticeably raw, echoed up into the night sky. Within seconds, women were appearing over the debris and off in the distance, moving at impressive rates. Gai became enveloped in the women, who appeared ready to shield him. Everyone knew that pimps weren't meant to fight. They were meant to hide behind women and let them do all the dirty work. And the other dirty work that involved kicking ass.

Kakashi surveyed the scene before him, and he knew it was bad. It had been a long time since he had taken part in a pimp battle, and even if he called, nothing might come of it. He couldn't hurt the women, either, because only ass holes did that, and he wasn't an ass hole. It was a tough situation. What was he going to do?

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

The jounin turned to find Naruto standing beside Hugh Jwang, the legendary cane in his hands. The boy pulled back and flung the cane towards him. In one smooth motion, Kakashi caught the stick, thrust it towards the sky, and shouted, "Come on out, ladies!"

The ground began to shake, the thunder grew louder, and a light drizzle started. No one around them could comprehend what was happening before they were completely and absolutely surrounded by women, all at the beck and call of the legendary Kareem and his mighty cane.

Gai looked around him in terror, realization sinking in as he did. He had been outpimped. The women...So many women... "IT'S OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDD!"

-

Kakashi stood with a broken Gai slung over his shoulder, Naruto and Sasuke on either side of him. They were at the edge of the village, and about to return to their own. Lord knows they were all ready to go home after this terrible mess. They had already done their tearful goodbyes with their beloved Hershey Man, and Crystal hadn't awoken from her shock at having seen her beloved Kareem, and their beloved Temari had already cursed them out for messing everything up and stormed off home. Everything had worked out the best for everyone, though, and they all knew it. Especially Naruto, who had been given a note by everyone's favorite fan-slinging ninja girl. The note went a little something like this...

_Naruto, thanks for being such a good guy last night. Guys like you are getting tougher to find, I think. You'd better stay a good guy, or I'll kick your ass. You know, at least until I visit to turn you into a bad boy. I expect to be given some time off once I officially report on my mission. I'll be seeing you soon, Naruto. Look forward to it..._

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto asked, following after his leader, "When a girl tells you to look forward to her visiting you, that doesn't mean anything, does it?"

"Well, Naruto, when Mr. Ichiraku tells you to look forward to his next ramen recipe, does that mean anything?" The jounin retorted.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.

"Oh, man," Naruto groaned, "If they're anything alike, Temari's visit is going to taste really, really good."

_-----Author's other note: I am so glad to be out of the pimp arc. Now I can roll onto something better. Well, better to me. Also, I watched Dragonball Z back in the day and loved it. I am not a hater, just poking fun. Oh, and I am not being paid by Arby's or Facebook, I'm just better at product placement than your average nineteen-year-old. That means I'm slightly more competent than a goat._

_Lastly, I am once again in open territory and can take suggestions for chapters. I have one week to fill before Hinata's birthday, now, so if you have an idea that doesn't suck, feel free to share. Also, I'm not a jerk so I won't say anything mean to you. Just ask everyone you know. They'll vouch for me._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	16. Fetish? What's A Fetish?

_-----Author's note: Giants defeat the Patriots seventeen to fourteen. I was seriously biting my nails for that last three minutes. I hope you all watched it and ate as much junk food as I did. We could feed a third world country for years with that kind of food power!_

_Also, be weary of the less comedy in this chapter, as it focuses more on developing character relations and setting up future stuff. Dominoes, baby. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Tsunade, the beloved and feared Hokage of Konoha, looked into Naruto's eyes. Once confident that he was about to turn into stone, she switched to Sasuke. Once confident he was about to be turned straight, she switched to Kakashi. Once confident he was ignoring her and reading his book, she switched to Gai. Once confident he could barely make her out through his huge watery eyes, she switched to...oh, that was everyone.

"So that's your story?"

"And I'm sticking to it."

The woman groaned and rubbed her temple, "Kakashi, do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Well," The jounin replied slowly, "Everyone still believes that you're called the 'legendary sucker' because you stink at betting, so..."

"Right," Tsunade nodded, "I'll file the report. Well done, to all of you! Now get out of here..."

The four left the Hokage's office, free men. Quietly as if they were in a funeral procession, they walked through the halls, down the stairs, and out through the front door. No sooner had they stepped onto the road did Naruto ask, "How the hell did you convince her that Marcus was actually a circus clown, and that Crystal was actually just a doped up teenager playing games?"

"It was very simple," The masked man said, "I used the truth, and nothing but the truth."

"But Gai isn't really a circus clown..." The blonde mumbled, "Right?" He turned to look at Gai, but the man was running from them, big teary trails fluttering behind him in his wake.

"What a sore loser," Sasuke said. He shook his head as he turned to Naruto, "So now what?"

"Now what, what?"

"Well, we're back home. Hinata's birthday is in...Oh, who am I kidding, we all know I don't care enough to know."

"In seven days, actually," Kakashi supplied the answer, "Hard to believe it's only been a week since we had that ill-fated talk, huh, Naruto?"

Naruto nodded vigorously, "It feels more like it's been a little over thirteen months."

"Wow, that was a weird number to pick. Anyway, I guess I'll give you a little alone time to figure out your next plan of action," Sasuke started to wander away from his blonde ally, "You know where to find me if you need me."

"Hot Topic?"

"Only if Macy's is closed."

He watched his friend turn a corner and disappear, then turned his attention to Kakashi. Or, at least, he would have if Kakashi hadn't been trying to sneak away. "HEY!" Naruto shouted, jogging after his now-reading friend, "I need to talk to you!"

"Oh?" Kakashi asked, not closing his book nor slowing his failed retreat, "I can't imagine what about."

"Half of my time to Hinata's birthday is gone, now, and I still don't understand enough to handle the situation!"

"I don't really see the situation, to be quite honest."

"The situation," Naruto growled, "Is that you said she wanted sex! From me!"

"Jokingly, I said jokingly."

"No, you said 'half-jokingly'. You think I don't remember this?"

Kakashi shrugged, "Alright, I still don't see the situation."

"It's easy to see, damn! Iruka-sensei told me that to do sex you need to be in love! I thought he was full of crap, but then when I saw the sex, it was the most horrible, disgusting, painful looking thing I have ever seen. No one would ever want to do that, especially not me! Then when a chance to do that with Sakura-chan came up, it didn't sound bad at all!"

"Hold the phone," Kakashi clapped his book shut and raised his hand. He stared down at Naruto.

Shikamaru was out looking for Asuma, as he needed a Go partner. Since Asuma went through about seven packs of cigarettes a day, he figured that the man would be out shopping in the marketplace. He found not Asuma, but Kakashi. The jounin was talking to...Oh, no, it was Naruto! He hadn't been able to speak to him for an entire week, now, because whenever he tried the blonde said something perverted to chase him away. It looked like Kakashi was the one talking, though, so would it be safe to approach? He couldn't recall playing Go with that particular jounin, so maybe he'd bring something new to the table...It was worth the risk.

Shikamaru Nara hurried up to the two from behind only to hear Kakashi ask earnestly, "...You had sex with Sakura?" He quickly wheeled around, and made off in the opposite direction. It wasn't just Naruto, but even the people around him! And Sakura? AGAIN?

"Well, no," Naruto admitted, "We didn't do that. But the point is that I was sure I loved her, so the sex sounded ok."

"That's the point?"

"YES!"

"I still don't see it."

Through heavy groaning and clenching of his teeth, Naruto managed not to say something mean. Instead, he went and said, "The point is if you think Hinata wants to do sex with me, no matter how much or little," He added when it looked like the jounin might interrupt him, "Then she must love me, no matter how much or little. I need your help with that!"

Kakashi took Naruto's arm and set him down on a nearby bench. He sat beside him, "Naruto, love is really, really complicated. It's only made more complicated when you try and factor in sex, like what you're basically doing. Honestly, I think the two should be kept as far apart as possible."

"I know it's complicated! Shizuna does it to get over her stress!"

"Wow, didn't know that."

"Anko just seems to want to do it for no reason!"

"I did know that."

"Temari faked it for money!"

"I didn't need to know that."

"Crystal is a prostitute, which it turns out means she sells sex! To men!"

"Only during your standard workweek. On the weekends you don't have to be a man."

"Ino probably plays with herself more than a teenager plays with a Playstation!"

"Thanks for the mental images, there."

"Sakura-chan would rather have sex with a tree than me, and I'm starting to not even care!"

"Again, thanks for the mental images."

Naruto cupped his face in his hands and hung his head low, "I really am confused, and everything really is complicated. I need your help, so don't leave me with nothing, here..."

He had never reopened it, but Kakashi now set Icha Icha Paradise down beside him. He gave Naruto a weak punch in the arm and said, "Alright, I owe you one for not busting me to Tsunade, so I'll see what I can do. Now...what is it, exactly, you want me to do?"

"Just...where do I go from here? I've learned a lot in the last week, but all it's done is left me with more questions and a lot to add on my 'things to never look at the same way, again' list," Naruto replied.

"I think that everything's really confusing because you're looking at it on too large a scale," The jounin stated rather plainly, leaning back into his seat to look up at the sky, "You're thinking love, stress, disease, emotions, trauma, is this gay, what do I do, what should I do, what will she do, what should I say, what does she want me to say, what time is it, is that a gray hair, should I have gotten the el grande, or am I just average sized, it just goes on, and on, and on...Now if you were going to the grocery store to pick up some milk, what would you be thinking?"

Naruto let the question hang for a moment, then smoothly replied, "I wonder what kind of ramen they have!"

"Ok, scratch that question. Let's say you need to go to the bathroom. You're in your home, and you just need to go to the bathroom. What do you do?"

"Well...I go to the bathroom."

Kakashi nodded, "Good. So tell me, what do you do to get there? You know you need to go to the bathroom, but there are a few things you need to do to get there. What are they?"

"I get up, walk to the bathroom, open the door, walk in, unzip my pants, and take care of my business."

"You forgot 'close the door'."

"I know what I said."

Through a little shudder, Kakashi went on, "There you go. It's really simple when you have one aim, one goal, and you focus on that one thing. You just need to look at things on a smaller scale, and break them down."

The boy shook his head, "No, this definitely doesn't work like that."

"Sure it does. Let's look at another one and break it down. You're hungry. You figure out what sounds good, you buy it, you either cook it or have someone prepare it for you, then you eat it. You solved your problem. Another one. You have an important test coming up. You set aside a little bit of time to study, you take notes in class, you listen to the teacher. You'll do better on the test."

"So...what's my question?"

"I think you need to find one out, for yourself. Since you've been pushing to learn about sex and all that kind of stuff because of a fleeting thing I said about Hinata, I think a good place to start would be..."

The man trailed off and waited for Naruto to finish, which he did, "Do I love Hinata back?"

"Bingo."

"Well, I mean, she's kind of...I don't really know if...something..."

Kakashi knocked Naruto on the head, "Thinking about it, too much. Think of it like our questions, before."

"The questions before were easier!" Naruto shouted, "I know how to eat or go to the bathroom! I don't know how to tell if I love someone, or not!"

"Actually," Kakashi cut in, "I think you do."

"What are you..." He trailed off when he realized that he did have a vague idea on how to tell if he loved someone, or not. His kiss with Sakura had seriously shaken his once unshakeable faith that they were destined to be together. He didn't think he loved her, really. At least not like that.

"So, you need to find out if you love Hinata," Kakashi yawned, "What do you do?"

The blonde now knew the answer, he was surprised to admit, "I spend time with her, do things with her...and kiss her."

The jounin shrugged a little, "I didn't really mean the last one, but if that's what it takes, you know yourself better than I do."

"But what kinds of things does she like to do? I know I'm supposed to figure out by spending time with her, but I'd like to at least have one thing to start out with."

"Hard to say. She's the quiet type, which means she probably has some seriously out-there fetishes. That's usually how it works out. ...Except for Anko, she has a ton of them and she's definitely not quiet," Kakashi stroked his chin in thought.

Naruto blinked a couple of times before asking, "Fetish? What's a fetish?"

"Look it up," Kakashi sighed, "Anyway, now you know what to do next, which is basically what you asked of me, which means I've repaid my debt. Back to avoiding you for sex-question-related reasons," The jounin vanished in a puff of smoke. Naruto shook his head in disappointment, but jumped off of the bench when Kakashi reappeared, "Forgot my book," He grinned, snatching it and leaving, once again.

Naruto pulled the walkie talkie from his belt, brought it to his lips and said, "Darkside, Darkside, do you read me?"

A few seconds later, Sasuke replied, "Roger that, GS, I copy you."

"Dude, you sounded so cool, right there."

"I know, I felt cool. What's up?"

"I need your help. Do you have a dictionary on you?"

"Luckily enough, a bookstore is right beside Hot Topic, so I can just swing in there and check."

Naruto nodded, "Macy's closed?"

"No, but there were a lot of girls in there, and they looked like they might try and rip my pants off if I got too close, so I wound up in Hot Topic."

"But aren't there girls in Hot Topic, too? Only fatter, in more black, with more piercings, and much paler?"

He could hear Sasuke's footsteps as he traveled towards the nearby bookstore, "Yeah, but the creepy ones just stare."

"Right, right."

"So what word am I looking up?"

"I need to know what a fetish is. Kakashi-sensei says that Hinata probably has a few of them, which means she might be a collector, or something."

Sasuke chuckled, "Ah, I see. Looking to get her a gift, or something?"

"Sort of," Naruto sat back down on the bench, "I just broke things down, a little, and I think I need to spend some time with her. I figure a fetish might help break the ice, a little."

"Alright, I got a dictionary. Hang on, let me look...Ok, fetish. A fetish is an inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers. ...Weird. Should I check out the other definitions?"

"Nah," Naruto waved off the notion, "The first definition is always the best one. The others are just like icing on the cake."

"I thought you liked icing?"

"I do, but I don't like reading. So I just need to get Anko to share her fetishes with me. Easy as one, two, three."

Sasuke put the book back on the shelf, then said, "I don't think getting Anko involved is a very good idea. Or a very bad idea. I do think it's a very horrible idea, though. Why don't you just buy her a fetish?"

"That's not a bad idea. Go ahead and ask the bookstore person if they sell them! If they do, I'll be right over."

"Do I have to? It's a girl, and she's been staring at me the entire time I've been in here."

Naruto had no time for Sasuke's hesitance, "Yeah, come on! Just ask her, real quick, help a guy out."

Sasuke was off of the walkie for a couple of minutes, but he came back with a surprising answer, "Ok, so I asked her, and she said they didn't sell fetishes. The good news is that she sells fetishes at her house, and she said I could come over for them. The bad news is that she doesn't get off work until nine. ...Do you know what katoptronophilia is, by the way?"

"Uh, no."

"What about dippoldism?"

"You wanna check the dictionary for them?"

Sasuke groaned, "No, I don't care that much. But what do you want to do? Check out what this lady's got?"

"I don't know. Hinata might already have dippoldism, I wouldn't want to give her something she's already got..."

"Hinata probably has mysophilia. That's the other fetish this lady told me she had. It'd probably be a waste of time, you're right."

Naruto rose from the bench and stretched. He then asked, "What's mysophilia?"

"I don't know," Sasuke replied, "It just sounds more Hinata than dippoldism."

"Well, I'm going to get help from Anko, then."

"No, I really think no. Look, why don't you just...sort of sneak in there and borrow one or two? Permanently? If she has a bunch of fetishes, she probably won't miss them if one or two go missing, right?"

"Are you gonna help me out, or what? I'll do it your way if you come with me."

"I'll be there at six."

"Six it is."

_-----Author's other note: Credit for this new little mini-arc goes to Ambrant Arandel, who made the suggestion way back in the day, for chapter three or four. And for the doubters out there, the definition I gave for fetish is the definition in my dictionary. Now for a quick explanation of the fetish terms I used up in here:_

_1. Katoptronophilia is the fetish for mirrors, and the things that are reflected in the mirrors. Kinky._

_2. Dippoldism is basically a spanking fetish, or a fetish concerning the disciplinary smacking of adolescents. I think. I did not know what any of these terms meant, ten minutes ago. I also don't advocate this fetish. More so than the other ones I don't advocate._

_3. Mysophilia is the one I would recommend not looking up. Especially if there are pictures involved. I didn't know there was such a smart sounding word for such a...dirty fetish._ _No pun intended._

_Hot Topic sucks._

_A big thanks to Ashriel for so many reviews in so short a time span. They mean a lot, so thank you for not just blowing through and dropping one off at the end._

_Lastly, I have received several emails (Only one, recently) and a couple of reviews asking me to include Tayuya. I can't see a realistic way to include her. That's the problem. So if you want to see her show up, well, unless you have some banging ideas, I'm afraid you're out of luck, because I don't have anything in mind for her, myself._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	17. Bathtubs And Balloons

_-----Author's note: After not having any Naruto in my system for about two years, I've gone off and read twenty plus volumes of it and recharged my batteries. I know, my name's different, it's been so long, I don't remember what's going on, etc. etc. For those of you staggering readers that remain, stick with me! I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy.....-----_

"Alright, come on, just a little more....."

"Are you there, yet?"

"Almost...Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

Thud.

Sasuke looked down at Naruto, who was flat on his back, staring straight up at the sky. "You did not just fall down."

"Right, I just decided it would be a good idea to lie down."

"You did not just fall down," Sasuke repeated.

"Maybe if someone would hold me up steady, I wouldn't have fallen!"

"I'm sorry, I thought you were a ninja. My mistake."

The blonde brushed himself off as he rose back to his feet, giving Sasuke a blunt look, "Ok, wise guy. I'll hold you up and you get us in."

Four seconds later, Sasuke pulled Naruto up through the smashed window the escaped Anbu member had left in his wake. "Wow, man, that was pretty tough."

Unbeknownst to the two allies in crookery, they were being watched by a pair of vengeful eyes. And a pair of lecherous eyes. And a pair of love-struck eyes. Stalking was more prevalent in Konoha than most people realized.

Ignoring his friend's comment, Naruto looked around the dimly lit house. There didn't appear to be anything strange. No sign of anything that might be a fetish. "Hey, I just thought."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously, geez. We don't know what fetishes look like, do we?"

Sasuke, too, took a moment to think. "That might be a problem. But we've already snuck in here, so we can't just walk away with nothing, right?"

Naruto pumped his fist, "Right! It's time to discover what kind of fetishes Anko's got!"

"Atta boy," The would-be-emo ninja patted his blonde friend on the back. The two began their search, but it didn't take them long to establish that there were no fetishes to be found in the living room. Or the kitchen. Although they did find some food. In the refrigerator. And pantry. Which they took.

"It's not like she'd ever notice," Naruto muffled out through a mouthful of crackers.

"Let's try the basement..." Sasuke decided, working on his pear.

The thieving duo opened up the door and descended down the stairs into the even darker basement. Once down there, they fumbled around until they found the light, which they turned on with the pull-string. They found themselves surrounded by what looked like torture devices. And toddler's toys.

Sort of confused, Naruto picked up a long string of blue beads of varying size, "What the heck is this thing?"

Sasuke eyed the beads in wonder before saying, "It almost looks like some sort of Willy Wonka candy, or something. It's just plastic, right?"

The blonde ninja gave them a sniff, "Ugh, it smells like a porta-potty!" He tossed the stinky would-be-candy aside, a bad taste in the back of his throat.

"Wait, that might have been a fetish," Sasuke started after the rancid little jump-rope.

"I don't care even if it is," The blonde one halted his friend, "I'm not giving anyone anything that smells like crap!"

With relative indifference, the black-haired boy let it go. Instead, his attention went to the dresser full of leather clothes and chains. He pulled out an outfit and held it up to himself to see how it might look.

Naruto saw him do this and nodded in approval. "You would actually look kinda badass in that stuff."

"I know, right?" Sasuke sneered, "I've always liked leather."

'_No, really?'_ Naruto thought, _'I never would have guessed.'_ He continued to rummage around through the basement's contents. This was where Anko had trapped that one poor Anbu member, forcing him to do sex with her and who knows what else. All of this stuff didn't seem to fit that particular bill, though. He picked up a box and looked it over. It read 'flavored condoms'. _'Huh, only four flavors?' _Naruto grunted. Having finished his crackers, Naruto decided to open the box up and have at snack number two. Each of the little goodies was wrapped in its own individual package. Not finding any ramen flavored ones, he grabbed a banana one. Upon opening the little square package, he found a slightly gooey ring and rubber. After blinking several times, he took the thing in hand. It unfolded out to reveal that it was actually a water balloon!

"Sasuke, Sasuke, check this out!" Naruto gasped, trotting over to his friend and showing him the condom, "They seriously make flavored water balloons!"

"What the heck are you talking about, Naruto?" The Uchiha asked, setting his leather aside. He took a look at the strangely shaped balloon and said, "Does it seriously have a taste? What taste?"

Naruto raised the condom to his face and stuck out his tongue. Sasuke watched as his friend licked some of the goo from it, "It's banana, holy crap this is the best thing ever!"

"Are there more?" Sasuke asked. The blonde pointed him to the box, happily licking at the condom. He hurried over to them and pulled out a grape one. Sure enough, when it met his lips he found that it tasted of wonderful grape goodness. And doctor's gloves. What an ingenious creation! That's all the Uchiha could think, right then. A water balloon with flavor! He could only imagine how awesome it would be to play water balloons and get hit with a blast of fruity goodness whenever you got hit. Awesome, and sticky.

"Sasuke, check it out," Naruto called to him. The black-haired boy looked to find Naruto had stuffed a couple of fingers into the balloon, and was now sucking on the condom like a popsicle. "It's seriously like I got a banana in my mouth right now."

Sasuke laughed and replied, "I'd swear I was sucking on a couple of big fat grapes, dude."

That was when these two talented ninja heard the sound of a door opening from upstairs and immediately froze. It couldn't be that they were busted, could it? They had just gotten there and hadn't even found what they needed for Naruto's gift, yet! Their immediate surprise melting away, they rushed around and put the condoms away.

With a sideways glance, Sasuke hissed, "Is Anko already home? Didn't you check what she was doing tonight!?"

"Of course I didn't!" Naruto hissed back, "You think any planning or preparation was put into this!? She could have been here the whole time for all I know!"

Repressing the images of killing his stupid friend and then himself, Sasuke dipped into the shadows of the basement. His ally did the same. Slowly, surely, the person upstairs moved around. The duo listened as the footsteps covered the entirety of the first floor before they started to creak down the steps. It was almost as if the person was looking for something...

"Helllloooo..." Anko's voice floated down the steps like a beautifully horrifying poison. The hairs on both Naruto's and Sasuke's necks stood up on end. "Is my nosy little friend down here?" The jounin reached the bottom of the stairs, wearing only a towel and dripping water as she went.

Both boys stopped breathing. If Anko caught either one of them, they were doomed. Doomed to sexual experimentation, torture for pleasure, and evil of the most intriguing nature. This ninja was a formidable opponent, indeed. It also raised the question in both of the hiding male's hearts. Should one of them be caught by Anko, what does the other one do? Jump in to try and save their friend, or take the opportunity and escape? It was a risky situation. It only grew riskier the longer Anko walked around the room, grinning evilly and talking as she went.

"I was just taking a bath," The jounin declared in a matter-of-fact manner, "But I do so hate bathing alone. There isn't anyone down here, right now, is there?" Her dark sneer went nearly black when she continued, "Someone dirty?"

Sasuke grimaced, needing to swallow but afraid to make even that much noise. Anko was starting to sound crazier than he was comfortable with. And seriously, he lived in a village where it was ok to have bugs live inside your body. Like beetles. Really. He stopped thinking about Shino when Anko started to home in on him, drawing closer and closer. If she came much closer, she would see him! He had to think of something or else...or else...

A scraping sound came from upstairs. Anko was up the stairs in a flash, and both boys let out the hot air from their burning lungs. They heard a long wail from upstairs. It sounded like Sakura! But what was that she doing here? Naruto had no idea. But her distraction had saved them, big time.

"Let's get out of here!" Sasuke whisper-yelled to Naruto, who didn't think that was such a bad idea. Then again, it seemed a waste to ignore a blessing from above and not take advantage of the opportunity that Sakura had afforded them by her sacrifice.

"Wait," Naruto whispered back, "Let's take this chance to grab what we need while Anko's distracted! We might not get another chance like this one!"

He growled, but Sasuke agreed, "Alright, but we need to be quick and quiet about it!"

And then, upon the realization that they were planning to stay, they both felt a monstrous wave of shame for so readily abandoning their tag-along teammate to look for something to steal. What kind of people were they if they could just leave her in that sex-fiend's clutches? Who knew what sort of horrible things might happen to her if they didn't intervene? They recalled Kakashi-sensei's wise teachings from back when they just became genin. Ninja who abandon their mission are trash, but ninja who abandon their friends are worse than trash.

"And now I'm over it," Sasuke stated. "Let's go."

Naruto, however, had reached a different conclusion. "Sasuke, I need you to do something for me."

The Uchiha smirked, already knowing what was coming. "Don't worry, I'll find you a good one. I'll bring it to your place tonight, so you'd better be there. Alright?" He held out a fist, which Naruto knocked with his own.

"Count on it! Thanks, Sasuke."

-

"KYAAAA!" Sakura screamed, not realizing how awkward it was to spell what she was screaming, "NOOOOO!"

"Oh, YES!" Anko growled back, dragging the pink-haired girl towards the bathroom by the ankle. "Little girls who break into mama's house don't get to leave until mama breaks into them!"

"HOLY CRAP, HELP ME!" Shrieked the girl, flailing around. She didn't want someone to break into her! Especially not before they bought her dinner or raised her grade! Anko lobbed her captive into her rather sizable bathtub, sending water sloshing over the sides. After spluttering a little, the genin said, "I just came in here after Naruto, I swear! I wasn't after anything, please don't rape me!"

"It's only rape if you say no," Anko snickered, inching closer.

"Then I say no! No, no, no!"

The jounin stopped. Curses, foiled again!

"R-Really?" The girl asked anxiously, unable to believe that worked, "You're gonna let me go?"

"Nah," The jounin dropped her towel, "But I will bend you over the edge of the bath."

The bluntness of her sentence and the level of casualness with which she brought out what Sakura could only describe as a plastic two-headed serpent caused all of the courage to fly from the young girl, along with the color in her face and the strength in her limbs. Where were Naruto and Sasuke? Hadn't they heard her screaming? Of course...of course they would abandon her. Sasuke no doubt left her as a scapegoat so he could escape, since she wasn't in danger of dying. ...Hopefully. But even Naruto? Was he still so upset with her about what happened after the Sapphic Femme photo shoot? Admittedly, they hadn't talked at all since then. He had gone off nearly immediately on another mission, and had just got back. It had only been a few days since that unpleasant night in the tent, even if it did feel like two years or so. This was it, it seemed. Sakura closed her eyes, ready to accept her fate. It was time to take it like a woman. She opened them when stomping sounded from outside the closed and locked bathroom door.

The door exploded off of its hinges, and two figures blitzed Anko. _'Sasuke, Naruto?'_ Sakura thought desperately, _'They did! They did come to save me!'_ Anko went flying into the wall with Naruto, who did his damned best to keep her pinned down. The other figure grabbed the soaking wet Sakura. All she could do was stare at him, another Naruto. The shadow clone jutsu! Naruto was trying to save her by himself?

"Quit daydreaming and let's get out of here!" He shouted, grabbing her hand and spinning around.

"Get off of me, you're just a stupid clone!" Anko yelled, struggling, "I want the real deal or nothing!"

"Don't touch the boobies, don't touch the boobies!" The Naruto was futilely trying to avoid contact with her breasts and doing his damned best not to open his eyes. Seeing his innocent weakness, Anko thrust her chest forward. The clone burst into smoke, momentarily blinding the jounin. She erupted from the bathroom like a horse out the gate, swooping down on the fleeing Naruto and Sakura like a falcon on a couple of poor, defenseless mice. With the speed and grace of a gazelle on steroids, she hurled Sakura aside and duct-taped Naruto to the wall.

Before Anko or anyone else could be described as any other sort of animal, Naruto shouted, "Where the heck did the duct tape come from!?"

Laughing maniacally, the jounin replied, "Always be prepared, that's what I say. I'll come back for you after I finish my business with her..." And with that, the woman stalked over to the quivering mass of terror that was Sakura. Before she knew it, she was tossed back into the tub.

"Hang on, there's something you should know before you do anything else!" The pink-haired girl announced.

"You're ticklish?" Anko guessed.

"Nope. That you're a sucker!" Sakura vanished in a poof of smoke, revealing that Naruto was the one in the bathtub!

Anko wondered briefly if that meant that Sakura had transformed into Naruto and was currently trying to escape. She hesitated for a moment, then shrugged, "Whatever, works for me! You have something that Sakura doesn't, anyway!"

"W-Wait a second," Naruto fumbled around with his words, "The other thing you should know is that I'm..."

"You're what?"

The blonde struck the nice guy pose, "That I'm just a clone!" He disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Anko cursed aloud, rushing back out into the hallway. The Naruto stuck his tongue out at her, then took his turn to vanish. "They were both clones!" The jounin growled. He must have used the shadow clone jutsu to make three clones. One to hold her down, then blind her when he vanished. In that moment, one clone transformed into Sakura. They allowed themselves to be caught to allow the real genin enough time for escape. "Ah, crap," She muttered, "I got too excited and look what happened. They pulled a fast one on me."

-

Sasuke, satisfied with what he had snatched from Anko's house, casually made his way down the streets of Konoha towards Naruto's place. He figured his friend wouldn't take too long in rescuing Sakura, so he'd just go wait. Well, that was the plane _before_ a bug-eyed, bowl-cut, tight-wearing ninja stopped him. Coincidentally, Sasuke began to wonder why God hated Rock Lee.

"Sasuke, I challenge you!" Lee shouted, pointing at the prodigy.

With a sigh, the Uchiha replied, "Look, I don't care how much you want it to be the case, I'm not going to be your eternal rival. I know Kakashi and Gai are like that, but I just don't see us being anything more than friends. I'm sorry."

Lee almost blurted out that he thought Sasuke was seeing other rivals, but managed to keep his cool. "It's not about that!" He exclaimed, "I am challenging you to win back Gai-sensei's honor after what you did to him on your last mission!"

Sasuke blinked a couple of times before asking, "You mean the whole pimp thing? ...Are you kidding me?" It was at this point that Sasuke realized Lee's normally green tights were actually purple, now. "Guess not. Look, can we do this another time? I have something I'm doing right now."

Lee, getting frustrated, said, "No! And come on, this whole 'revenge for my master' thing works a lot better when you actually go along with it! Please stop being indifferent!"

"Come on, I didn't even do anything! I was just kind of a witness. Kakashi was the one who beat Gai. If you want revenge, go and challenge him."

"Aha, that is where you are wrong!" Lee declared, his teeth glittering as he smiled, "Simply by you being there, you invigorated and encouraged your master! Your youth is catching, and gave him just enough extra spirit to win! If I had been there, surely Gai-sensei would have been victorious! You and Naruto are the pivotal reason for Gai-sensei's defeat and depression!"

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Sasuke asked, "Gai's had you smoking the medical herbs again, hasn't he?"

-

It really wasn't that bad. A little awkward, sure, but she had thought it would be a lot more so. Sakura was in her room, in her little walk in closet, changing into dry clothes. Naruto was closing the window they had snuck into, keeping his wits about him in case Anko had decided to give chase. The entire way to Sakura's house he felt as though they were being followed. Naturally, he assumed she was pretty pissed about being fooled. Three genin had just broke into her house and gotten off scotch free. He felt a little proud, even though he probably wouldn't ever tell anyone about it.

"Naruto," Sakura called from the closet, "Could you get me a towel from the bathroom? I'm already...undressed."

Saving his sarcastic comments for the likes of Sasuke and other not-naked-Sakuras, the boy did as he was told. The entire time he was moving around he was in a sort of trance. For such a long time he had wanted to get inside Sakura's room, just to see where she slept. He felt really stupid and corny all of a sudden and turned beet red. Sakura poked her head around the corner when Naruto poked the towel in there, stretching his arm as far as he could.

The girl saw how red his face was, and hers quickly went the same shade, "Why are you blushing? Are you thinking bad thoughts!?"

"O-Of course I'm not!" Naruto shot back defensively.

"Then why are you blushing?" The girl's head vanished back into the closet.

"I just escaped from a fully-grown, naked woman trying to do sex with you AND me. I think if I'm blushing it's completely acceptable. Even though I'm not. Anyway, what the heck were you doing there?"

Sakura pulled a shirt over her head, "I was...I was just..." Man, it was embarrassing to say, when she thought about it. Never did she ever think that she would feel this weird about Naruto.

"Well?"

The girl left the closet and sat down on the edge of her pink bed. Naruto couldn't tell if she was wearing any shorts or not, so long was the shirt. He watched as she patted the open bed next to her, "Can we talk?"

"Sure, I mean, if you want to..." The blonde sat down beside his teammate, his stomach going all flip-floppy. She was looking at him in a way that he wasn't used to, but he wasn't real sure how he would describe it. "What about?"

"A couple of things..." She mumbled back, looking away. "First of all, thank you so much for saving me, back there. I really thought that I was screwed. ...Bad pun."

"Seriously," Naruto laughed, "That was a close one. But hey, really, what were you doing there?"

Just as clueless as ever, Sakura mused. Softly, she said, "I was following you..."

Surprised, the boy asked, "Why? Did you want something?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened on our last mission. You know, in the tent..."

"Nope, we're good," Naruto declared boisterously, "I don't want to talk about that night. We all did something dumb that none of us meant. As far as I'm concerned, that's over and done with. Let's just forget about it."

A little hurt, Sakura asked, "But we kissed."

The loud ninja now genuinely did turn red, "Y-Yeah, sort of. I don't want to count that as a real kiss, though. It was all because of that bet you and Ino made, and that dumb book that I read. I don't think that was really you or me that kissed, just a lie of a moment that we got caught up in."

"I'm sad to hear you say that," She said, keeping her eyes low.

"Why? I thought you'd be happy that I didn't take it the wrong way!"

"I'm sad because for me...that kiss was something very special."

This was when Naruto, who usually had plenty to say and did so loudly, lost all words. Sakura had just said something to him that he never thought he would hear. She followed it up with another whopper.

"Naruto, I...I think I have feelings for you."

Think!? How do you think something like that!? Either you do have feelings for someone or you don't! Argh, how many nights had he wished for this? How many times had he dreamt about Sakura saying those exact words to him? Sure he had been confused about his feelings towards her, lately, but that didn't very well mean they weren't there, anymore! The last time they had kissed had been a big fat lie, like he said. It wasn't a real kiss. Naruto knew that love was one thing he still didn't comprehend. He was learning that sex was in a galaxy far, far away as far as his understanding was concerned. But this was something different. It was sweet, simple. And somehow, it felt enlightening. Sakura had said feelings. Not love, not anything else. It was a crush, and it was on his level. He began to feel at ease, happy.

"If you didn't count that last kiss as our first," Sakura interrupted his thoughts, "Would you kiss me for real, now?"

Naruto brought his eyes up to meet hers. They looked at each other for quite awhile. Her eyes were so deep, then, he thought. He wasn't sure what color he would use to describe them. Her lips were giving him just as much trouble. They looked so soft and warm, inviting. She closed her eyes, leaning towards him so slowly it felt like time had slowed down. That hadn't happened before, he realized. At this point, his body basically did the rest for him, regardless of his input, and he leaned in as well. Only when he knew he was going to hit his mark did he close his eyes. Their lips met, and he felt an odd tingling feeling trickle down from his lips to the ends of his fingers. His arm slid around Sakura's back, and he pulled her in just slightly, cradling her. A few seconds later they separated, each opening their eyes.

A little breathless, Sakura asked, "How was that one?"

Naruto thought for a second, then said, "I have to go." He rose from the bed and went for the window.

He pulled it open and was just about to jump out when Sakura said, "I'll see you tomorrow, Naruto. Thanks again, for today."

Not sure what else he should say, the ninja replied, "Y-Yeah, don't mention it." Our young friend certainly had a lot to think about.

-

Asuma, puffing his seventy-fourth cigarette of the day, strolled along the streets of his beloved village of Konoha. Shikamaru had beaten him once again in Shogi, earlier, but what else had he expected? Someone with an IQ of over two hundred was of course going to be difficult to overcome. His day was going rather well, up until the point where Ino ran by him in tears. He called after her, but she didn't stop. Ino was a tough girl, so he wondered what on earth could have happened that would make her cry...A moment later, he heard a window open up and none other than Naruto Uzumaki came leaping out of it.

The jounin watched as his little blonde buddy went speeding away before he went to the door of the house and knocked. The name above the door read Haruno. Well, it didn't take our adult friend much effort to guess what might have happened. When he had spoken to Ino about her relationship troubles, he had no idea that it was actually about Naruto. He felt kind of dumb, then. Mrs. Haruno opened up the door. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, ma'am," Asuma rubbed the back of his neck, "You wouldn't happen to have a daughter up on the second floor, would you?"

"Um, yes, why do you ask?"

"Because a boy just climbed out of her bedroom window."

Asuma walked away to the sounds of the mother screaming bloody murder at the daughter. At least a little vengeance for his pupil's tears, today. It seemed he would have to have a talk with Naruto, soon.

_-----Author's other note: I honestly forgot how much I loved some of the Naruto characters. It's nice to write about them, again, even in a story that most people have probably already forsaken! Not that I blame anyone, haha..._

_Anyway, thanks for reading...-----_


	18. Sasuke Vs The Jonas Brothers?

_-----Author's note: My friends, there are two things I have to say! Firstly, I would like to thank you all for helping me reach that incredible plateau of over a thousand reviews! I feel like I'm in an elite group now, even though it's only in my head. The one thousandth review was given by Akakoken! You win! ...Something. I guess. Secondly, I realized that I stopped writing this story shortly before I landed myself a kickass girlfriend. So I've been dating her for a year-and-a-half now, devoting my attention to her almost exclusively rather than my duties as a writer. We all must keep this story from her at all costs! Seriously, I don't want her to think I'm any more perverted than she already does. Yeah, anyway...I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Star, I'm sorry. I just can't forgive you for what you did to me."

"Estevan, please! I told you already, I thought he was you!"

Looking away dramatically, the ridiculously well-built man with the tan of a Mocha God whispered, "I'm just so hurt...I don't think we can ever be what we were..."

Star, big shimmering tears in her eyes, reached out and grabbed his arm. Her slender form and amazingly unrealistic and sprayed on beauty belied her surprising strength. She pulled her ex-lover towards her, saying, "I love you. Can't you still love me?"

"Estevan, noooo!" Sasuke yelled at the screen, "She'll only hurt you again!"

"All Your Children will be back, after this word from our sponsors," One of the flagship characters announced.

It was at this very pivotal point that Naruto entered the hospital room, shouting, "Sasuke, man, are you alright?"

From his bed the Uchiha laughed weakly, "Yeah, yeah, tone it down. I'm fine, don't worry."

"What the crap happened to you?" The hyperactive ninja demanded. "You never showed up at the apartment, and the next day they tell me you're in the hospital!"

Groaning, Sasuke responded, "Lee happened."

"Bushy brows?"

"Yeah. The little bug-eyed jerkoff jumped me after I left Anko's place. Said he wanted revenge for Gai's defeat by Kakashi."

"We didn't even do anything, though!"

"Thank you, voice of reason," The prodigy agreed, "That's what I said. He wasn't having any of it, though."

Naruto shook his head in clear disappointment, "What a joke. Even worse, he beat you! If you could stop thinking about clearance shopping for five freaking minutes you would have clobbered him!"

"First," Sasuke snapped, "Shut the hell up. Second, times are hard and when you need to stretch your money to make ends meet, you hit the bargain bins and turn up the thrift. How much did you pay for that eyesore orange jacket?"

"Wh-What does that have to do wi-"

"Answer the question!"

"Like, sixty bucks, or something. I don't remember..."

Sasuke scoffed, "Ha, pathetic. Your skills are weak. I found the same jacket on clearance at Konoha Eagle for twelve bucks. Eighty percent off."

Naruto gasped, utterly shocked by this twist of evilness, "No way! Konoha Eagle is really expensive! They charge, like, eighty dollars for a pair of jeans! That already has holes in them!" He briefly wondered why people bought jeans like that. They were manufactured to suck. They came off the line defective. Would you buy a glass that came pre-cracked? A tv that came with pre-burned images onto it? Underwear that came pre-stained? No. No you wouldn't. You know, unless you liked crappy merchandise. ...Literally.

"Like I said," Sasuke scoffed, "Your skills are weak. Besides, Lee didn't beat me. He's in the next room over," The ninja tilted his head in the general direction.

Not sure whether to feel bad for his bedridden buddies, or proud of them, Naruto asked, "Well, what about the fetish? Where is it?"

"Aha, yeah, that thing..." The Uchiha grimaced a little, "It kind of vaporized in the fight. A little. You know, fireball jutsu and all that. Sorry."

"Aw, dammit!" The blonde stomped, "I was riding on that to break the ice...Hinata's so...quiet. It's hard to talk to her."

"Well, dude," Sasuke shrugged, "You wanna practice on me, some? I hate talking, anyway, so I can be quiet." He wouldn't admit it, but he felt a little guilty for destroying the odd instrument he had picked up. It was like a bishop chess game piece, only the bishop was wearing three hats.

Naruto shook his head, "No, I can't talk to you like you're Hinata. I won't be able to take it seriously."

A couple of hand signs and a puff of smoke later, Sasuke had transformed into the spitting image of Hinata. "How about now?"

The blonde hesitated, then observed, "You know it seems like you've been transforming into girls a lot, lately."

"And I don't mind telling you it feels awesome," Sasuke declared. He cleared his throat, and when next he spoke he sounded just like the Hyuuga, "Naruto-kun, did you want to talk to me?"

Full of doubt and a strange desire to puke, the genin just couldn't do it. "I'm sorry, Sasuke, I just can't do this with you. There's something not right about it."

After thinking for a second, the Uchiha thought he found the missing piece. "N-Naruto-kun, d-did you want t-to talk to m-me?" He had to have a near debilitating stuttering problem!

Surprised at how much this changed his mind about the proposed plan, Naruto finally said, "I...I was just wondering if we could spend a little time together, today. You know, if you're not busy with anything..."

"W-With you, Naruto-kun? R-Really?" Hinata asked, turning red and fidgeting like she had bugs crawling around in her panties. Oh Shino, you and your bug's misadventures!

"Yeah!" The blonde pumped his fists, "We can go get ramen at Mr. Ichiraku's, or something. How's that sound?"

"A-Actually, Naruto-kun, I...I don't really like ramen..."

You know in those cartoons where it shows a character's face, and then like they were looking in a mirror the screen cracks and falls apart in shock? Maybe add a little color inverting? That's what happened to Naruto, right here.

"Y-You don't like ramen? Are you serious!? Don't pull my leg, here!"

Looking away almost indignantly, Hinata said, "I-I want to spend some t-time with you, Naruto-kun, but I don't want to get any r-ramen."

"Why the heck not? Maybe you just haven't given it a chance!" Naruto grabbed onto her shoulders and started shaking her, "You have to let it in! LET IT IN, HINATA! Let it love you!"

"N-Naruto-kun, stop! You're hurting me! G-Get away from me!" Hinata shoved him away, then turned back into Sasuke. "Oh, yeah, you're gonna knock her dead, slugger."

Naruto was on the ground, sobbing and pounding the ground with his fist, "Hinata...Why...Why won't you let the ramen love you?"

Sasuke stopped short of his brilliantly witty comment when Asuma walked into the room. "Thought I'd found you in here, kid. ...Didn't think I'd find you looking like you just found out that drunken mistake from a month ago was late. And somehow had your number."

"What the heck does that mean?" Sasuke asked.

"Guess that's a little over your head. Don't worry, you're good looking and full of angst and family problems. You'll learn in ten years or so." The jounin scooped Naruto up off of the ground, "I've got something I need to talk to you about, though."

Still whimpering about how the noodles only wanted to caress Hinata's pleasure centers, Naruto vanished from Sasuke's sight. The boy in the bed grinned to himself, "Damn straight I'm good looking. Stupid Jonas Brothers. You can't touch this shit."

-

"I'm in a bar. Again," Naruto observed, climbing onto the stool Asuma beckoned to. "I wonder if this is starting to say something about me..."

"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it too much," The jounin reassured him, "So long as you're not drinking, it's fine."

One chocolate milk and a scotch later, the two dug in for what could only be described as an awkward conversation.

"Naruto," Asuma started, "I think we need to have a talk. ...No, wait, that's not true. I know we need to have a talk."

"Is it about the last mission?"

Asuma shook his head, "No, it's not about that. Thanks for the tipoff about the clothes, though. I can't even tell you what kind of night I had."

Naruto took a sip of his orgasmically delicious drink, realizing that orgasmically wasn't actually a word. And that he didn't know what the base word, orgasm, meant. He set the mug down and laughed, "Yeah, I can't even tell you how many of those nights I've had, lately."

Chuckling a little bit, Asuma nodded, "I had a feeling you'd say something like that, kid. That's kind of what we need to talk about."

"A lot of it I'd rather not talk about," The genin admitted sheepishly, "Some of it's pretty messed up, when you get down to the truth of it."

"Sorry, Naruto, but I have to ask you a question. Can you give me an honest answer?"

The young one looked at the older one and said, "I can promise to try."

Figuring that was all he could really ask for, Asuma asked, "What do you think of Sakura?"

"Oh, wow," The blonde exhaled and looked away, "I don't really know. Sometimes I think I am completely lost in love with her, and others I feel like all I want is to be friends. To tell you the truth, she confuses me real bad."

"Well, I'm gonna level with you. I saw you climb out of her window, yesterday." Naruto tried to interject, but Asuma held up a hand to silence him, "Look, I'm not one to judge and what you do is your own business. But I'll offer you these words of wisdom; People always told me be careful what you do. Don't go around breaking young girl's hearts. Mother always told me, be careful who you love. Be careful what you do _before the lie becomes the truth!_"

Naruto started in, softly at first, "Billie Jean is not my lover...She's just a girl who says that I am the one...But the kid is not my son!"

Asuma downed his scotch and stood up, belting it out, now, "She says I am the one! But the kid is not my son!"

The bartender started in, "For forty days and forty nights, the law was on her side...Who can stand when she's in demand? Her schemes and her plans? 'Cause we danced on the floor in the round..."

A dishwasher in the back stepped out into the bar and sung aloud, "So take my strong advice...And remember to always think twice! Do think twice..."

A random woman abandoned her drink and raised her voice, "She told my baby that we danced 'till three, then she looked at me...She showed a photo my baby cried! His eyes were like mine!"

"Oh no!" One of the other bar-goers added, his timing flawless.

"'Cause we danced on the floor in the round, baby!"

Naruto and Asuma jumped up onto the bar, sending glasses and liquid spilling all over. "People always told me be careful what you do! Don't go around breaking young girls hearts! Then she stood right by me, the smell of her sweet perfume! This happened much too soon, but she called me to her room!"

The entire bar burst into harmonious pop rock, "Billie Jean is not my lover! She's just a girl who says that I am the one! But the kid is not my son!"

The rest of the bar continued to sing, but Naruto stopped when he felt a bright light shine down upon him. He looked up, squinting a little to make out what was above him. It was a vision of Michael Jackson, smiling warmly down upon them and their performance. Naruto, in awesome guy slow motion mode, thumped his chest with his fist two times and then pointed up at the fallen pop icon, returning the smile. Michael, in creepy guy slow motion mode, licked his lips suggestively while rubbing his nipples. Naruto cringed a little, _shrinking away from the vision_.

"Hey, Naruto, you listening?" Asuma snapped the boy out of his daydream.

"Uh, yeah," The blonde looked around nervously, fearing the apparition of his spacing out might return, "Sorry. It's just been awhile since I heard any of Michael's lyrics."

"Yeah, corny, I know. Quote a song to get my point across. But I think there's a lot of truth in them. Don't go around breaking young girl's hearts, Naruto. And watch out, because you never know when something that isn't true can turn into something that is." Asuma raised his hand to get a second drink, "Do you follow me?"

After using the power of thought for a moment, Naruto replied, "I guess you're telling me that I need to be careful who I do what with. Even though I don't mean any harm...I guess I can still do some. Is that right?"

"That's the gist of it, yeah," The jounin replied, patting Naruto on the back. "Just don't go jerking people around. If you don't have feelings for Sakura, or if you're not really sure, then should you really be climbing in and out of her window?"

"I guess that's not really fair, no. But how am I supposed to figure it out if I don't do those things?"

"What, the window climbing?"

"No," The blonde shook his head, "I mean...kiss her, and touch her, and stuff like that. That's what those sort of feelings are about, right?"

Asuma accepted his newly refilled drink with the tip of his head to the bartender. "No, not really."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Well, yeah. Feelings like that...the kind where you want to touch someone and kiss them, those are complicated feelings. Normal, but complicated. You said sometimes you felt like you were crazy in love with her, but you know what? If I were to describe love to you, I wouldn't even talk about those kinds of feelings."

Naruto had a hard time digesting this. As such, he asked, "What do you mean? If you don't want to touch and kiss them, then how is it love? Isn't that what I've been learning about this whole time? Iruka-sensei said that to do sex with someone, you have to love them. To love someone, you have to like the way they look, and the way they act. That's what love between two people is, right?"

"Ah, Naruto..." Asuma sighed. He lit up a cigarette and perched it between his lips, "Love doesn't have a damned thing to do with looks. Sex has to do with looks. The two are real different, and a lot of the time they don't even come close to each other."

The troubled ninja recalled that was almost the exact same thing that Kakashi had said to him only the other day. '_Kakashi took Naruto's arm and set him down on a nearby bench. He sat beside him, "Naruto, love is really, really complicated. It's only made more complicated when you try and factor in sex, like what you're basically doing. Honestly, I think the two should be kept as far apart as possible."'_

"I kind of figured that all of the 'learning' you were doing might have this sort of affect on you..." The jounin took a draft of his cigarette, holding in the smoke for a few seconds before exhaling, "You don't have to love someone to have sex with them, you just have to want it. I mean, let's take Lindsay Lohan for a second. I hate that stupid bitch. But would I have sex with her? You name the day and the time, I will show up early, butt naked with oil and whipped cream. But when you love someone, I mean really love someone, it won't matter to you what they look like. You'll sleep with them even if they have fish-eyes and weigh five-hundred pounds. And when love is involved, sex isn't your main concern. The physical aspect of the relationship is, of course, still important, but it won't be this kind of problem that you've been trying to figure out. ...Is this making any sense to you at all?"

"I think so," Naruto mumbled, mulling everything over. "Does this mean that the only reason people do sex is because it...uh..."

"Because, Naruto," Asuma let out another cloud of smoke, "It is the greatest feeling thing on the planet. But I'll tell you one last thing about it before I change the subject. And this is the most important thing I have to say about sex." The inexperienced genin looked up at the wise jounin, and the older man met his gaze with eyes that said he believed with the utmost certainty that what he was saying was the honest truth. "When you're ready for it, sex is great. And it's that easy for me to say it. But I could sit here for the next fifty years and never find a way to describe what it's like to make love to someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with."

In that one shiny moment, Naruto stopped worrying about everything that was bothering him. Sakura, Hinata, Anko, Ino, sex, love, crushes, the fact that he hadn't had ramen in the last twenty-four hours. That was the real power of not a jounin, but an adult. To dispel the worries of someone younger with the wisdom that had been attained over a lifetime of trial and error.

"You're a good sensei," Naruto said, flashing a genuine smile, "Shikamaru, Choji, and Ino are lucky."

"Thanks," Asuma grinned back at the boy, "But that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about."

"Huh? What?"

"It's about Ino."

"What about her?"

"Like how I asked you about Sakura, what do you think about Ino?"

The blonde, not real sure how this had much to do with anything, pondered over the girl. "Well, she's a pervert. And she's loud, and sometimes she gets violent like Sakura. In fact, they're a lot alike, even though I bet they'd never admit it. I know she's nuts about Sasuke, so she probably hopes that I do go for Sakura so she won't have as much competition."

"Is that really what you think about her?" The jounin asked, extinguishing the last little bit of his cigarette in the ashtray before him.

"Yeah, pretty much. I haven't spent too much time with her, to be honest."

"Maybe you should," Asuma surprised his younger company with that suggestion, "I think Ino could help you out more than anyone else, maybe even more than me."

"Pssh," Naruto scoffed, "The last time Ino tried to be helpful she baited Sakura into a mean bet, and the time before she made me look at naked men in her books!"

Frowning, Asuma asked, "Really? I-I mean, uh...Look, what I mean is that there's a lot more to Ino than the things you told me. Trust me, I'm her master, I would know. There are a lot of layers. ...Sort of like an onion."

"Are we quoting Shrek, now?"

"Shut up. Anyway, once you pull one back, you find another one and learn something new. I'll tell you right now, you're not the only one looking for answers so far as love and sex go."

Surprised, Naruto started, "You mean Ino..."

Asuma nodded, "Well, I might have said too much. Just know that Ino is my pupil, and I love her like a daughter. If I see she's struggling, of course I'm going to help her. I think that you two have a lot to learn from each other, and that you could be great friends if you gave each other the chance. Ha, that's all I've got. I'm sure you're busy and all, so sorry for eating at so much of your day. Now go on," The jounin shooed Naruto off, "Get out of here."

The genin, having finished his chocolate milk, hopped off of the stool and started towards the door. "Thanks for everything, Asuma-sensei," He called over his shoulder, which felt a lot lighter than it had for quite awhile. The weight of his problems were slowly chipping away. "Oh," He stopped just short of opening the door, "When I do go to meet a girl, what's something I should bring with me to help break the ice?"

Asuma sent him a smile. He knew just what Ino would like, "In my experiences...I've never gone wrong with flowers."

-

The Yamanaka flower shop. A place our blonde buddy never thought he'd willingly go. Yet, here he was, opening up the door and strutting in like he owned the place. He had some flowers to buy, and he saw some flowers that looked like they needed buying! ...Only, wow, there were a lot of them. Like, seriously, how was he supposed to pick? That many. Immediately crushed by his own ineptitude, the ninja went up to the counter to get some help. Who else should be there but...

"Ino!" Naruto exclaimed, surprised to see her. Yes, surprised even though her family owned the shop. Good job, Uzumaki! "What are you doing here?"

'_Wow, you win the prize for most insensitive, stupid jerk of the year!' _Ino thought, her blood starting to boil, "I work here, dummy!" She snapped, "But what the heck are you doing here?"

"W-Well..." The boy suddenly felt a little uncomfortable, "I'm here to get some flowers. Hey, why don't you help me out, here? What are your favorites?"

So surprised was she that she almost forgot she was angry at him, Ino stuttered, "M-Mine? Why do you care what mine are?"

With an apologetic smile, the boy said, "Come on, don't make me beg!"

Ino stared at him for a second, but soon felt her face heating up and had to avert her eyes in embarrassment. She walked around the counter and up to a little bouquet of flowers, which she picked up. "These are cosmos," She said, smelling them, "I think they're my favorite. The prettiest of the fall."

"Wow, you sure know how to pick 'em!" Naruto laughed, not really sure what made the normal looking flowers more special than anything else in the store. "I'll take 'em!"

Ino rung the flowers up, her curiosity building up to the point she had to ask, "Are these...for Sakura?"

"Huh?" Naruto's mouth fell open, "No, they're not."

"R-Really? Then..." She thought for a second. He wasn't going to give them to her, was he? When she thought about it, though, it did seem like he might! He asked her what her favorites were, after all, so maybe it was just a clever set up! She started to feel anxious. She hoped he couldn't see it...

"They're for Hinata."

Ino froze, the flowers half-extended to Naruto.

"H-Hinata?"

"Yep. I'm going to ask her to spend the day with me, so I needed something to give her when I got there. Sasuke helped me get something, at first, but it sort of got ruined. He's in the hospital right now, you know! Don't worry, though, he's alright. I know how much you obsess over him," The blonde trailed off into laughter. He grabbed the flowers and turned to leave.

Ino stood there, not sure what to feel. Jealous, surely. Angry, yes. Sad? Definitely. She was also embarrassed to think that maybe the flowers had been for her. How stupid was that? What a joke. Come on, she was a looker! She had turned down two other people just this month! Why get so worked up over one blonde idiot that up until recently she would have walked all over? He was like a doormat! She should be wiping the mud off of her boots on that jerk! You know what? She should purposely step in dog crap and then wipe that off on him, too!

"Hey, hold still..." Naruto turned back around and got up in Ino's face. He stuck one of the cosmos in her hair, then backed off smiling wide. "There. It looks good on you."

Confused, Ino just replied, "Y-Yeah..."

"I talked to Asuma this morning, and he told me that you were going through a lot of the same things I was. You know, about the sex and love and all that kind of weird stuff. Maybe we could uh..." He rubbed the back of his neck shyly, deciding to repeat Asuma's earlier words, "You know, get together some time and hang out. I bet we could be good friends if we gave each other a chance."

What was this? He was buying flowers to go and see Hinata, but then saying something like this to her? In the most sure voice she could muster up, Ino said, "What's this all of a sudden? You're going off to see one girl, but you're asking out another? I don't want friends like that!"

"Hey, hey!" Naruto started defensively, "I'm not going out with Hinata, and I'm definitely not asking you out! There are some things I need to talk to Hinata about, that's all. Geez..."

"Well if that's the case," Ino grinned, feeling a little better, "Then I guess we could hang out sometime."

"Sure thing!" Naruto laughed, "Someone left two cups of ramen outside my door the other day. We could eat those, and talk about everything we've learned! Maybe even train!"

A little put off, Ino said, "Y-Yeah, that sounds good! You know, except for the training part."

On his way out of the store, Naruto couldn't help but feel a little differently towards Ino. She actually agreed to eat ramen and hang out with him? Maybe it was just like Asuma said, after all. Peel back a layer, learn something new. He didn't have time to give the perverted blonde much thought, though. He had a mission, and it was one that he felt many people had been heavily anticipating for a long, long time! Even though Sasuke and he were the only ones currently clued in. He was going to go and meet up with Hinata Hyuuga!

_-----Author's other note: As of right now, it is two days after I posted the previous chapter. I've got a burning desire to write! I'm going to restrain myself, though, and try to spread out updates a little instead of posting as soon as I finish. ...You know, to prevent that whole one-and-a-half-year update thing. And don't worry; If you think Asuma is killing the potential humor for the rest of this story, you are wrong. For there is someone who has been lurking in the darkness this whole time...Also, our poor buddy needs a strong male figure in his life! Kakashi isn't cutting it, and Iruka isn't too prominent, right now._

_I'm starting to feel bad for Ino. It's almost like everything I do leads to something negative happening to her. I don't mean to!_

_The song in Naruto's little daydream was, of course, Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. I'm not a Michael hater, either. I'm listening to Billie Jean, right now. As far as all of the controversy...Uh, no comment, there. (Also, I like Chris Cornell's take on Billie Jean. Check it out, sometime.)_

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	19. Extra Virgin Olive Oil

_-----Author's note: Ah, since my last update a lot of unforseen stuff happened which slowed me down. I won't clog everything up with details. Thanks for everyone's patience. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"Whoooaaa..." Was all the young Naruto could say at everything that was going on around him. The Hyuuga estate looked like it was being completely remodeled. Scaffolds, towers, and workers were everywhere. The sounds of hammers hammering, drills drilling, and sweaty men sweating filled the air.

Suddenly feeling very out of place, Naruto ascended the steps to the Hyuuga mansion's door. He couldn't even tell you how many ladders he had walked under to get there. But hey, he could use all the luck he could get! After taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. The knocking, itself, sounded distant and quiet amongst the havoc of the construction. What the heck else was he going to do, though?

-

Seriously? It had to be a bad joke. ...Oh, it wasn't? He was really going to make her do that? Alone? Great. That's just great. Hinata, defeated, hung her head low and sighed, "Ok, I'll do it."

Her father frowned in clear displeasure at his child's attitude. "You should mind your manners, Hinata," He said. "A lot of time, money, and hard work is going into this. It won't kill you to help a little, especially since it's all for you, anyway."

"Th-That's not it, I didn't mean..."

"Of course you didn't mean it," The older one cut her off. "Hinata, sometimes I think you've been spoiled to the point of no return. That you would balk at the idea of doing this one thing I've asked of you..." Hinata knew what was coming, but that didn't make it sting any less. "If only you could be more like Hanabi." The foul-spirited man started to leave, but before he was gone he commanded, "Don't come back until you've caught her."

Trying real hard not to cry, Hinata walked through the mansion towards the front door to go and retrieve the runaway...guest. She was just so sick of the way she was always treated. She trained so hard, but she couldn't help that she wasn't as naturally gifted as Neji or Hanabi, or as naturally pretty as Sakura or Ino. She liked to think she was at least smart, but when compared to her teammate Shino, or Shikamaru, she fell short in that department, too. Nothing quite like a talk-down from your dad to make you feel particularly worse than your normal below average.

Having failed at not crying, Hinata wiped her face dry before opening the door. When she saw who was waiting on the other side, she was glad she had. "N-N-Naruto!? Wh-What are you doing here?"

'_Near debilitating, indeed,'_ The addressed boy thought before saying, "Hey, I uh..."

Holy crap.

He was just starting to realize how momentous an occasion this was. Kakashi had sent him on his perilous and horrifying journey of embarrassing discovery simply with a passing joke about her. Half joke. This was the first time he had spoken to her in awhile, and now he realized he was anything but prepared. Now at a loss for what to say in her presence, Naruto simply held out the flowers in the least awkward way he could manage.

A few minutes later, Hinata's eyes fluttered open. She was sprawled out on the ground and her cheeks hurt from smiling. Naruto was hovering over her anxiously, asking her if she was alright. In response, the Hyuuga asked weakly, "D-Does this mean...I'm not a virgin anymore?"

Not sure what she meant, Naruto asked, "What does any of this have to do with olive oil?" He helped the heiress to a sitting position and asked, "Why did you just pass out all of a sudden? Haven't you eaten anything today?" Hinata was small. Naruto didn't have a hard time believing she ate like a model. Meaning maybe a little parsley, if she was feeling dangerous.

"I...I have," Hinata admitted sheepishly. Immediately afterwards she felt like a moron, because now she had to come up with a reasonable excuse for why she randomly blissed out! "B-But it's just been so hectic around here, recently..." Aha! That sounded good! "I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed..."

Naruto, being blond, took it hook line and sinker. "It is pretty noisy. What the heck are they doing, anyway? Are you guys adding on, or something?"

A little embarrassed, the girl said, "It's for...for my birthday."

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah. E-Every year, my dad holds a big celebration, since I'm the first born of this generation of the head family. Everyone looks forward to it. They call it the Hyuuga Ball."

"What a creative name," Naruto rolled his eyes. "How come I've never heard of this thing if it's such a big deal?" When Hinata guiltily looked away, he basically got his answer.

"I-I've always wanted to invite you, but...until just recently, n-no one would have anything to do with you...Dad always said no. I-I'm really sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude!"

The boy shrugged it off. "Whatever, it's no big deal!"

And then the awkward silence of doom fell upon them. It was like when someone tells a joke that isn't remotely funny and even the joker realizes it halfway through, but finishes it anyway. We've all been there.

In an effort to thwart the demonic silence, Naruto said, "S-So, how did you even hear me knocking with all the construction going on?"

"Oh, I-I didn't actually. I was just...on my way out." She sounded sadder and sadder as that sentence went on. Like when you have a pez dispenser. The further it goes on, the closer you come to having an air dispenser with a weird head. That is equivalent to true sadness.

Trying to stop thinking about candy, Naruto exclaimed, "Great!" He pulled her up to a standing position, "I'll go with you! I was hoping to spend some time with you, today."

'_ACK!'_ Hinata braced herself against the waves of euphoria, _'Must...not...bliss out...'_

"So what are we going to do, today?" He waited for a few seconds, but Hinata seemed unable to form words at this point. She was trembling in nervous anxiety, which is a little redundant. "A-Are you...Are you having a seizure, or something? Hinata? ...You ok?"

'_He said what are WE going to do today!'_ The girl was squealing with delight inside. _'Ok, ok, I have to try and act cool. This is my chance!' _"Yeah, I-I'm ok, sorry."

"Maybe we should go get some food, first." Naruto suggested. "You still look a little shaken up."

-

"WHAT!?"

Mr. Ichiraku, surprised by the sudden outburst, dropped the boiling hot contents of his pot all over the floor. Luckily, he was able to jump back out of harm's way. "Naruto!" He roared, "Are you trying to give me a heart attack!?"

"You dropped it like it's hot," Ayame laughed. Then, realizing that she was of course going to be the one to clean it up, she scolded, "Don't yell at Naruto because you made a mess! You should be more careful!"

"Sorry, old man!" Naruto called out. He then returned his attention to the flinching Hinata and the ridiculous mission she had been given by her father. "He wants you to go and catch the tiger?"

The Hyuuga nodded somberly. "It escaped last night. We think it's in the surrounding forests. I-It's just a matter of tracking and capturing it."

"And...you have a tiger for...?"

"The tigers are part of the opening ceremony," Hinata mumbled. "For the Ball."

"How have I never heard of this thing before!?" Naruto demanded, unable to believe that such a big bash had been kept a secret from him for so long. "Opening ceremony? Geez! Uh, anyway, why don't you guys just get someone to help you track the tiger? I mean, Kiba would be perfect for this." And Naruto never thought he'd be able to say Kiba was perfect for anything other than bestiality. ...Not that he even knew what that was, of course.

Hinata gulped down a little bit of her ramen, trying to be as ladylike as possible while eating the unreasonably long noodles. "Dad doesn't want anyone outside of the family to know that we accidentally...sort of a let a vicious predator loose near the village. You know there are all sorts of ninja attorneys and stuff out there, now. He just wants to avoid a potential lawsuit."

Naruto could understand that. They had a freaking mansion, after all. He recalled seeing one of those attorney commercials recently...

_The ninja attorney slams his fist onto the table, shouting dramatically, "And that PROVES that my client is innocent beyond a doubt, your honor."_

_The judge, looking absolutely mortified, points at the motionless prosecutor. "You just decapitated the prosecution! You didn't even SAY anything!"_

"_And unless you find my client innocent of all charges," The ninja attorney hisses, "I'll kill your family."_

"_Uh, actually," The judge counters, "I'm gonna throw your -BLEEP- in jail right now!"_

_The camera zooms in on the ninja attorney's eyes, which narrow to slits, "No matter. I already killed them." He forms a series of seals..._

_The next scene shows the outside of the courtroom, looking at the closed doors. The doors slowly open, and the ninja attorney steps out of the courtroom, client safely beside him. Through the doors you can see that everyone in the courtroom has been killed. As the doors close and the ninja attorney approaches the camera, he mutters, "The defense rests."_

"Man," Naruto said, coming out of his reverie, "Why didn't I become an attorney?"

"Your grades weren't good enough," Hinata replied, trying not to imagine Naruto in a suit. She'd do that, later, when she was alone.

Getting back on subject, Naruto said, "It still seems kind of unfair to make you go look for it. I mean, seriously. It's a tiger. A people-mauling kitty."

"I know...I-It's scary. But I don't really have a choice..."

This would never do! Hinata, trying to capture a tiger? Alone!? Naruto knew she was a ninja, but that thing would probably eat her! Mutilate her! At least gore her, a little. He couldn't let it happen! "Don't worry, Hinata!" He trumpeted, "I'll help you catch this thing. We'll do it together!"

"I-I'm sorry," The Hyuuga said, holding out what looked to be a tape recorder, "Could you say that again, please?"

"I'll help you catch this thing?"

"No, n-no, the part after that."

"We'll do it together?"

The girl shivered, clicking the tape recorder off. Images of Naruto in a suit AND that recording? Forget the tiger, she needed some alone time. Ayame swept in before the girl could excuse herself, throwing a giant monkey wrench in her plans. Seriously, it was more like King Kong's wrench, to her.

"That sounds really exciting!" The ramen-dishing assistant declared. "I don't have anything to do after work. Let me go with you!"

'_GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH!'_ The younger girl thought. "Oh, g-goodness, I'm sorry..."

"It's ok," Ayame grinned knowingly at the heiress, "I can't hear what you're thinking."

The older girl leered malevolently down at Hinata, and the younger girl stared back up at Ayame in a similarly malicious way.

'_I've got to stop her from moving in on Naruto,' _Ayame thought. _'I'm not sure who I want to win the Naruto sweepstakes just yet, but if I had to pick from the eligible contenders you wouldn't be the one, sweetheart. I'm not ready for my daily life daytime show to end. Sakura and Ino have to battle it out for his heart! TO THE OVER DRAMATIC DEATH.'_

'_I don't know if you like Naruto, too, or if you're just trying to get in my way,' _Hinata thought, _'But I know I won't let you stop me! This is the best chance I've ever had, and I'm not going to waste it! Right now, I just have one unwanted piece to remove from the equation...'_

'_What the heck are they doing?' _Naruto thought. _'...Am I just supposed to sit here until they're done? They're completely ignoring me! Man, this sucks. I hate when girls get together. Nothing good ever comes out of it. Well, except maybe...no, nothing good. I'm not fooling anybody."_

"Well, if you'll excuse me for just a minute," Hinata stood up, "I need to use the lady's room."

Ayame waved her towards the rear of the shop, "It's in the back. Don't worry, I'll keep Naruto company for you!"

"Gee, thanks," Hinata replied in as catty a voice she could muster. She had just the plan for dealing with her newfound opponent. Once in the restroom, she locked herself in the stall and busted out her walkie talkie. Neji had forced her to take it a few months ago for security purposes, so he could better fulfill his role as a member of the branch family. That, and they got to pick out awesome code names.

"Darkside, Darkside do you read me?"

A moment later, Sasuke's voice came through the walkie. "Who is this? How do you know my call sign?"

"Er, s-sorry, wrong frequency." Hinata quickly readjusted her talkie and tried again. "Darkside, Darkside do you read me?"

Next, Neji's voice came through the talkie, "This is Darkside. I copy you, Raven. Over."

Feeling giddy, the Hyuuga blurted out, "I feel like a secret agent, right now!"

Her cousin grunted something to himself then asked, "What do you need?"

"U-Um...I need you to c-come to the Ichiraku ramen stand, in the village. I need you to...to distract a girl for me."

"...What?"

"I...I need you to come and distract a girl for me!"

"...What?"

"Neji, if you're not here in the next two minutes and aren't devouring this girl's attention I'll...I'll tell dad about your stash under the floorboard in your room!"

Neji froze up. How did she know about his Sapphic Femme stash!? More importantly, what could be so important that she would play such a trump card? "...Alright. I'll be right there."

"Thanks. Oh, a-and...uh..."

"What is it?"

"...Wear something slutty."

Neji switched off his talkie and stuffed it in his pocket. He looked down at himself, shuddering a little. "I feel so dirty and used..."

Hinata returned to the table just as Neji was coming in. Thank God for that ninja speed! He was decked out in leather. Black leather. His pants were stretched out tighter than Nicole Kidman's face after Botox. While the other two were looking at the oddly dressed newcomer, Hinata was motioning to Ayame with her eyes. Neji had acquired his target, and that was it. It was on. He had a secret to keep, and he damn well meant to keep it! He went in with the big guns.

"H-Hi, Neji..." Hinata trailed off as the boy approached them. He stood by Ayame, looking down at the table with somber eyes.

"Uh, did you lose a bet, or something? Mistakenly robbed Sasuke's house, maybe?" Naruto asked through a grin.

He shot the blond a look before saying, "I just felt like dressing the way I feel. Dark."

All three raised their eyebrows.

"I just can't escape this f#$ing feeling...this oppressive f#$ing feeling. Don't you c#$s all wonder about it? We're all going to die, and most of them will be sh#$y, meaningless, empty deaths. No, all of them will be. We were all born into our God-f#$ed fates, and we will all die the same cold f#$ing way. There is no escaping that miserable f#$ing fact. Nothing any of us does can change this sh#$y cess pool of a world. We're small, insignificant, worthless f#$ing chunks of meat. When we die, we die, and that's all there f#$ing is to it. There's nothing left. If that's the case, then what's the f#$ing point to life? To mindlessly f#$ and eat and s#$ and feel as good as we can while we can? What a hollow f#$ing existence that is. If that's all there is to life, then I'm already f#$ing ready to die and be done with the whole f#$ing thing."

'_What are you doing!?'_ Hinata gasped internally, her face burning bright red from the language.

'_Holy crap on a communion cracker!'_ Naruto tried to close his agape mouth.

'_I must save this broken young man from the darkness!'_ Ayame made no effort to cool her burning loins. All plans to foil Hinata flew from her mind. She rose from the table and grabbed Neji by the arm. "I have a lot to show you about life!" She announced. Over her shoulder she yelled, "Hey, I'm leaving early today!" Despite protests from Mr. Ichiraku, she led Neji towards the door. "I liked that part about chunks of meat mindlessly f#$ing and feeling as good as they could..."

Neji replied somberly, "Hm...I could show you my Gentle Fisting technique..."

Once again alone, Hinata and Naruto just watched where the other two had disappeared. "What the hell just happened?"

The girl shrugged, "I'm almost not sure, myself..."

"Yeah, ok. Um, lunchtime's over, I think," The blond said, getting up, himself. "Let's see I can help you grab your kitty."

Hinata, once again, held out her tape recorder. "Um, N-Naruto, could you say that one more time?"

_-----Author's other note: Well, Hinata has now come into play. And, for those of you who hadn't already guessed, the final stage for this whole mess will be the Hyuuga Ball. Also, Neji's Gentle Fisting technique is nothing compared to his Rough one. Also, I kept wanting to call Hinata's dad Hiashi, but couldn't confirm it one way or another. Where have I heard that name!?_

_And the ninja attorney is without a doubt my favorite part of this chapter._

_Thanks for reading...-----_


	20. They're Anachronistically Delicious!

_-----Author's note: All of the bookstores near me and even the ones not quite so near me are closing! I guess I'll just buy everything over the computer now. Still makes me sad, though. Oh, heads up, a couple parts of this chapter are kind of gross. At least I thought so. Which means they are. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"I just got out of the hospital..."

"Oh, right, sorry. I forgot that the world revolves around you and that you were still a dreamy-eyed little girl." Tsunade reached under her desk and produced two posters. One of the Jonas Brothers, and the other of a pink unicorn. "Now, which one would you like? It's ok, princess, don't rush."

Sasuke, cursing Nick and his glorious curly locks, asked, "Have you been rehearsing this?"

"For the last hour or so, yeah. It was definitely worth it." The Hokage stashed the two posters back beneath her desk and continued. "The mission should be a simple one. Key word being 'should'."

"Where are the other two members? You already fill them in?"

"Actually, you're going to be meeting up with them. The three man cell was sent on a reconnaissance mission to the West, in the Land of Sound. They were discovered and attacked. One of them was killed. The other two managed to take a captive we believe has intimate knowledge of Orochimaru's whereabouts. You are to bring the captive here where we will...interrogate them.

The Uchiha nodded. "Where am I supposed to meet them?"

The woman motioned him over and showed him the map laid out on the desk. Illustrating with her fingers as she spoke, she said, "This is where they were sent, and this is where they retreated to after the attack. They established a secure line and contacted me from here. That's where you're going to meet them and pick up the captive."

"It should take me about seven hours to get there."

Tsunade nodded, "I know. I'm not expecting you to make it back, tonight. You'll have to stop to rest roughly halfway back."

"Why don't I just rest where the other two established the secure line? Then we can make the trip back in one go, be here by nightfall tomorrow."

"Sounds like you misunderstood a couple of things. Firstly, the two jounin won't be coming back with you. They have to cover up the fight they had and finish the mission they were given. You'll be escorting the captive alone. Secondly, I need you to get this person here as soon as possible, so you will leave immediately. Tomorrow morning is better than tomorrow night. Thirdly, I'm the boss. This is an important assignment. I wouldn't give it to you if I didn't think you could do it." She folded the map up and motioned towards the door. "Now get going. They're waiting for you." Tsunade, ignoring the grunt of a reply she was given, waited until the sound of her company's footsteps had vanished before pulling out the poster of the Jonas Brothers. "Oh, Nick," She spoke softly, breathlessly. "I'm sorry I used you like that..." With the grace of a ballroom dancer (or a ninja, whichever) she swished across the room and locked the door. "But let me make it up to you by letting you use me," She whispered playfully, sliding out of her top.

-

'_That must be the place,'_ Sasuke thought, skulking around the building several times before deciding it was clear to approach. The building itself was rather nondescript. An old abandoned outpost it looked like. The only thing that seemed to give it any worth was that it did was indeed connected to the nearby telephone poles. The ninja marveled momentarily at how even out here in the middle of an untamed forest, people still managed to string up telephone lines. The human spirit really was an amazing thing. Able to overcome any challenge, brave any danger, triumph over every...something. ...Whatever, he didn't even care, anymore.

Sure that the coast was clear, Sasuke knocked on the door. A moment later, a woman's voice asked him what the password was. The words 'let me the hell in' briefly crossed his mind, but he thought better. "I wasn't given one."

"Good, there isn't one," The woman replied. The door opened a bit, and a pretty face peeked through. Sasuke didn't much appreciate this, however. His eyes were immediately pulled up to her headband. It was the symbol of Sound. "Hello, love." The woman's hand burst through the door and gripped him by the collar, her nails scraping at his neck. The old door broke apart as she pulled him through it. Somewhat dazed from the surprise attack, Sasuke only just managed to kick the woman in the chest and push himself free. A back flip later and he was standing before the shattered door, while she was on the opposite end of the room.

A cursory glance around the room told showed the young ninja that he was alone. The two jounin were motionless, dead. Their clothes were strewn all around the room, and claw marks raked across their exposed flesh. There didn't appear to be any blood, oddly enough. Their faces were twisted into near frightening smiles. The only odd thing about the room was the scent that filled the air. He had never smelled it, before, and wasn't sure what it was. The closest thing he could equate it to was...well...poop.

"What did you do to them?" He asked harshly, motioning to his fallen allies.

The Sound ninja grinned wickedly, "I raped 'em, killed 'em, then raped 'em some more! You know, only a little after the killing part, 'cause they started getting stiff and corpsey, but yeah."

"You're insane!"

"Am I? Everything's going according to plan, so far. I killed one of the stupid bastards, then let the other two capture me. They thought I might tell where lord Orochimaru is! And now you're here."

"So you do know?"

The pink-haired woman snarled, "Probably riding Jirobo's fat ass like a little kid on that God-damned one-cent-pony at Meijer's." She did her best to suppress her rage at that inconsiderate mom who kept putting more pennies in so her kid could keep riding, even though she herself had been waiting so patiently! One day she'd find that whore and then it would be time to stick seven damned pennies in her! Only the pennies would be really sharp, and not pennies at all.

"Quit reminiscing about painful childhood memories," Sasuke snapped. "Tell me where Orochimaru is and maybe, maybe, I'll bring you back to Konoha without breaking your arms."

"Aw, but how could I play a song for you without my arms?" Before he could react, his enemy had brought a flute to her lips, and had begun to play a song. As if on cue, well over ten naked women entered the room. Not only were they naked, Sasuke noted, but they were naked AND famous. Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Allesandra Ambrosio, Kelly Brook, Megan Fox, and Erin Andrews to name a few of them.

"Oh, this is just too much," He said, stating the obvious. Within a second, they were upon him.

-

Jiraiya, wherever he was, felt a tear roll down his cheek. The woman he was currently with asked him what was wrong, but he shunned her, turning away. "I'm suddenly... unexplainably... unbelievably... jealous."

Thousands of perverted men of all ages around the world felt the same way, turning away from their women for the visions of ones they could never attain. For reasons they never would be able to fully explain.

-

One Megan Fox punched in the face later, all of the women lay around him. Still naked, but much more unconscious than they had been, before. They all vanished once the Sound ninja stopped playing, unable to believe that her attack had failed. "How is it possible? How did a horny little teenaged dickweed like you resist that attack? Even the most hardened jounin fall to that! ...After becoming more hardened. You really are something else...Your will is amazing..."

"Man, I hated that bitch in Transformers," Sasuke felt immeasurably better after dishing out some critic justice. "She didn't even do that good of a job, she just had to look pretty. ...Oh, right, my will. It was easy, I just kept telling myself they're all whores!" The Uchiha said this as he spread out his arms like Dr. Manhattan, only decidedly less awesomely. "Well, actually, I guess that's not necessarily true or fair for me to say, but that's what I did, anyway. Not to mention how anachronistic they are. Seriously, do we even have ESPN? Erin Andrews? Really?"

"You know you take all of the fun out of it when you say things like that, you little f#$o!"

"F#$o? Who the hell says that?"

"And now you're ripping off Army of Two. Talk to me about anachronistic."

Sasuke, realizing that they were ruining the continuity of the story by pointing out flaws everyone no doubt ignored for the sake of the story, quickly changed the topic. "You have anything else you wanna throw at me, or are you ready to come quietly?"

"I never come quietly," The ninja replied through a smirk, "Those two found that out the hard way."

"Yeah, come, double-entendre, you're hilarious." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "If you're not gonna cooperate then we'll do this the hard way!"

_And so an epic battle raged on for what felt like an eternity. The trees in the forest withered and died and grew back only to die a second, more painful death. Nearby mountains crumbled, but the rubble was pushed back together by their awe-inspiring power. Only when they were beset upon by rogue samurai did the ninja join forces temporarily to fight and destroy the rogue army, draining them of most of their strength. Over the course of the battle, young Sasuke learned that the woman's name was Tayuya. While they sought shelter from the raining arrows in the covered trenches they had dug outside of the abandoned outpost, they learned a lot about each other and their fears, hopes, and dreams. As they fought and bled alongside one another, they formed a mutual respect for each other. That night, once victory was their's, that respect and admiration turned to something else. Slowly, strangely, their feelings for one another evolved into something more. Something softer, kinder. Under the stars, surrounded by their fallen enemies, the two warriors embraced each other and-_

"Ok, seriously, I get it, shut the f#$ up!"

Sasuke, dragging the tied up Tayuya behind him, stopped his narrative and shrugged. "But wouldn't it have been cooler if it had happened like that? I mean, sure, I beat you up. Even after you let loose that seal of yours. And that's great, I'm awesome, I know. But really, I wish it had been a little more interesting. You would think ninja's fighting would be cool, but it gets kind of repetitive after awhile."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, smart ass, you can tell it like that."

"...Even the love-making part I didn't get to?"

"Especially that part."

"...Even if it was a little awkward at first?"

"It was a little awkward in your fantasy?"

"I'm a realist."

And so the young prodigy went as far as he was able to reasonably go with his captive and stopped when he was confident he had arrived at a safe enough place. He had crossed the border back into the Land of Fire, and that thought alone bolstered his spirits. Still, wanting to play it safe, he went without a campfire and used the leftover rope he had to tie the already bound ninja to a nearby tree.

"You know this really is unnecessary. I already told you, I'm out of energy after breaking my seal, and you destroyed my flute. You're just being a dick at this point."

"And you're a foul-mouthed harpy. I won't make any mistakes, especially any that might leave me like those jounin you did in." Tayuya swallowed her pun, looking away indignantly. "So...tell me about that seal you have, anyway."

"I'm not telling you shit," The woman shot back.

"Well that's great, I don't want to know anything about that. ...Oh, wait, yes I do. That smell back at the outpost...what was that?"

"Smell?"

The Konoha ninja nodded the affirmative. "I'd never smelled anything like that. Was it some sort of poison, or narcotic? The closest thing I can compare the scent to is...fecal matter."

Suddenly, the woman started to laugh as hard as if she had just heard the funniest joke in the world whilst being tickled hard and trying to take a drink (because everything is somehow funnier and harder not to laugh at when you're taking a drink). This went on until Sasuke felt a little uncomfortable and that he was being made fun of. Finally, Tayuya asked, "You've really never smelled that before?"

"No, I thought I'd just ask you to see if you'd laugh at me and be a bitch. Guess what!?"

Still laughing, the pink-haired ninja said, "That's what sex smells like, genius."

"...What?" Sasuke suddenly wished that Naruto was there with him. He didn't know how to deal with this crap! It was a lot more intimidating to hear that word by himself, he found.

"Well, think about it. When you have sex with a woman, what do you do?"

"...You put your who-dilly in her foo-foo. Come on, I know this stuff, I'm not a kid."

She stared at him blank-faced for a moment, then asked, "You sure?"

"..."

"Yeah, well...foo-foo?"

"Oh, shut up!"

After laughing again raucously, Tayuya said, "There's more to it than that. Let's see, how do I explain this to an idiot? Well, think of this. Let's say you take your pecker and stick it into a dry towel and start beating off." At this point Sasuke's face went deathly white. "Well, that's a guaranteed way to get carpet burn for your dick, and that sucks. Nobody wants a burned dick. It's the same thing for girls. If I stuck a banana up in my cooch and started digging around, well, that's gonna hurt like hell. Then I've got a burning kitty to go along with your fire dick. Everyone's pissed. Now let's rewind this friggin' tape and take it from the top. Instead of jackin' off with a dry towel, let's say you squeeze some baby oil or something all over the towel to get it nice and slippery. Now THAT'S good for some lonely and depressing satisfaction. Same thing for girls. Now, when a guy gets turned on, guess what happens?" Sasuke's eyes started to swim around in his head, much to his torturer's pleasure. "That's right, your private stands up and salutes his captain. ...I'll bet you never asked yourself what happens when a girl gets turned on, did you?"

"I...I..."

"Since girls don't get stiffies, what happens to them?" She waited for a second, but Sasuke was trembling and seemed unable or unwilling to answer. He feared, in the depths of his stomach, that he knew the answer, though. "That's right, you little greenhorn. The girl oozes the baby oil to slick up the cock!"

"NO! Y-You're disgusting! LIAR!"

"It's the truth and you know it! That smell was poon juice!"

Suddenly, and surprising to both, Sasuke vomited on himself. The two looked at one another in surprise for several long seconds before Tayuya said, "Dude."

"I-It's just a-a lot to take in..."

"Yeah, I think you're gonna need to get used to saying that, you little fruitcake."

The Uchiha, disturbed and embarrassed though not sure which was the stronger, cleaned himself up as best he could. He had to take his shirt off and hang it to dry after rinsing it with some of the water from his bottle. Eager to turn the conversation away from the fact that he had puked on himself, Sasuke started, "Earlier, before we fought, you said that everything was going according to plan."

"What, do I look like an open f#$ing book to you?"

Ignoring her crassness, he finished, "Including my showing up?"

A ghost of a smile traced her lips, but vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. "Yeah. I figured it was a longshot, but hey. They did send you, and you were just who we wanted."

"Why's that?"

"Master Orochimaru wants you, that's why."

"Wants me for what?"

To our hero's surprise, bitterness swept over Tayuya's features, making her strange brand of beauty seem frightening. "He wants to..." When she trailed off, he of course pressed for her to continue. "He wants to...make you his own. To enter into your body."

"Wh-What? Why me?"

"Don't get all high and mighty, it doesn't mean you're special, or anything..."

"I don't think it's special at all! I like being the only one in my body, thanks. ...Now, just to be clear, we're talking about him transferring his soul or something into my body, thereby destroying me in essence and living in my body, right? Right? 'Cause he wants my Sharingan eyes? I guess?"

"Like I said, it doesn't make you special."

"...Sharingan eyes? ...Please?"

"He enters Jirobo, Kidomaru, Sakon and Ukon all the time. ...He likes how Sakon's head bounces around when he's merged in Ukon..."

"I don't even get that and it's one of the most disturbing things I've ever heard!"

"Orochimaru, he...he ruined Kimimaro's body, he entered it so much...Now he's hospitalized and mostly useless." Sasuke's jaw dropped open, so repulsed was he. "But...never me..."

Not sure how to interpret that, Sasuke just took his best swing, "...Orochimaru never enters into you?"

"...No," The ninja replied sourly.

"...And you're frustrated by this?"

"...Yes."

"...Because he enters into those various different males whose names you just listed?"

Tayuya nodded.

"But not you?"

Another nod.

"...And he wants to enter into me?"

Yet another nod.

"...But not for my Sharingan eyes?"

This time, a head shake indicating no.

"Is there at least something I get in return, or is this just a one way street?"

Through clenched teeth, Tayuya responded, "You would be given the seal to give you far greater power than you currently possess."

"You have a seal and he didn't enter into you!"

"It was this whole big issue with the unions. They said he needed to have a woman in the group to be eligible for membership. Sexism, or something. I was a random pick."

"I disrespectfully decline. No one's getting into my body but me." At this point, Sasuke got up and approached his captive. He knelt down in front of her and set his headband against hers, their noses just barely touching. His fingers traced up between her breasts and across her collar bone to brush back a strand of hair and finally stop on her neck. "And as far as Orochimaru never entering into you, well...I feel comfortable in calling him a fool."

Tilting her head back just enough that their lips were a hair's breadth apart for a moment, Tayuya retorted, "And what are you, then?"

He pushed in on her neck, sending her straight to la-la land. "Guess I'm a fool, too. I told you I wouldn't make any mistakes." He untied her and resumed dragging her towards home, all the while promising himself that he would never, ever, ever meet up with Orochimaru. Ever. He wondered how Naruto's night was going. He had gone off to meet with Hinata, last he recalled...

_-----Author's other note: 1. Sasuke had his own chapter! And now Tayuya will be in Konoha, for better of worse. Lots of people had asked for her, so I guess I'm just being accommodating. Oh well, it's for you guys, anyway! 2. Of all those women I listed, I know that they are all attractive women, but Kelly Brook is the only one I find myself really attracted to. Mmm...Kelly Brook... 3. Now that we've seen Sasuke's night, we will turn to Naruto's night. Remember, he's with Hinata and they're hunting a tiger. Seriously. 4. I wonder if anyone else wondered about Sasuke puking, and then not too long after being that close to Tayuya. ...Let's just assume he had mouthwash and used it during the 'cleaned himself up as best he could' sentence thingy. Thanks for reading...-----_


	21. And His Name Was Tony

_-----Author's note: I've been sick for close to a week, now. Someone save me! Oh, and thank you very much, everyone, for your reviews and favorites. They are all, of course, personal bests that continue to get beaten. Tell you what, there have been a few of them that make me smile every time I recall them, no matter where I might be. Thanks! ...Wow, too sentimental. I hope this chapter doesn't end up that way, too, damn. I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

Four hours. It had been four long, grueling hours. Naruto and his comrade in boring, Hinata, had been crouched in a bush for the last four hours, staring at their ingenious albeit failing tiger trap. Clutched loosely in his hand Naruto held a string which snaked its way out of the bush, across the ground, and finally to a stick, which it wrapped itself around. The stick, you see, was holding up a wicker basket. So if the string were pulled, the stick would fall, and the basket would lose its support and thus fall down, trapping any unwary being that might find itself below. What you have no doubt discerned by this point, gentle reader, is that the desired being was the tiger they were hunting.

But what would a tiger be doing lounging around under a wicker basket, you are surely asking. A pivotal point to this problem, and one that had not gone unaccounted for. The bait was waiting patiently, all but perfect in its existence and placement. It was a tiger's favorite food. Sitting there was a half-full (or half-empty, if you're one of those kind of people) container of Oscar Mayer bologna, the top peeled back so as to release the sweet scent of chicken, pork, water, corn syrup, and lots of other things that were much harder to spell. There was only one detail that remained.

What was to keep the tiger from busting free from underneath the basket? It was really quite simple. While a tiger was usually very powerful, it would almost certainly be slothful and lax after feasting upon the bologna. That being the case, application of extra weight to the basket ensured the trap's success and, ultimately, their victory. ...Basically, they were going to run out and sit on the basket.

"But what do we do after that?" Hinata asked, still trying to process the new knowledge that bologna was a tiger's favorite food. Naruto assured her that it was so.

"After what?"

"After the tiger gets caught and we're holding the basket down. Then what?"

"...Then it's over, what are you talking about?"

The girl's face grew noticeably more concerned, "We have to get it back home, somehow!"

"One could argue that the tiger is more at home out here."

"N-Naruto!"

"Right, I know, sorry. ...Well, crap, why didn't you say something before now?!"

Her head hung low, the girl apologized several times in splendid stuttering fashion. Assuring her that it was all right, Naruto pat her gently on the shoulder. It was at that point that Hinata finally understood that Lonely Island song about jizzing in her pants. Pretty much a normal reaction for Naruto touching her. When the boy turned his attention back to the doomed to fail trap, he was enraged to find that the bologna was missing!

"Well, gee," Hinata huffed, "That wasn't very nice at all! It makes me so gosh darn mad!"

Ignoring the G rated crap his company was barfing up, Naruto sprang from the bush and surveyed the scene as quickly as being a ninja would allow. Sure enough... "Tiger tracks...He's a clever bastard, but I'm cleverer...er." As he pondered just how difficult it was to say cleverer, he picked out the direction of the tracks. "Come on, Hinata! The bologna will slow him down!"

And so the two set off after the tracks, in high spirits despite their initial defeat. They chased after them for at least an hour, though it felt like many more. Several times they found themselves losing the tracks in the increasingly dense forest, only to pick them back up a few moments later. That was when something happened that neither of them expected.

"There are two sets of tracks..." Hinata mumbled, watching as the tracks split up and went in opposite directions.

"There's only one missing tiger, though, right?" When she nodded the affirmative, Naruto let out a sigh. Still, he managed to smile. This was getting more interesting...a challenge! "It looks like he's setting up fake tracks to throw us off. ...I'm starting to like this guy. Alright, all we have to do is split up and follow both tracks, right?"

"That sounds just like what he wants us to do..." Hinata cautioned, "We should stick together. Let's try and figure out which ones are the real tracks."

After finding that both tracks went for at least the next fifty yards in either direction, they decided to go with a GUT FEELING Naruto had. Sure enough, the tracks never vanished from them, and they felt confident they had made the right choice. ...And then their old problem resurfaced.

"The tracks split up again. ...There's really only one tiger? I mean, it's not cloning itself, right?"

Hinata, shaking her head, said, "Absolutely not! They definitely would have told me if more than the one got away...I think."

Again, they chose a path to follow, but this time the tracks did end rather abruptly with no tiger to be found. Aggravated, Naruto punched a hole through a tree and then, consequently, took a few moments to tend to his throbbing hand. Of course, Hinata spent this entire time fawning over Naruto, and thus neither of them noticed anything being amiss. Sure enough, when they were both composed enough to follow the tracks back and pursue the other path...

"The tracks are gone."

"...Looks that way."

"I think we're being toyed with."

"...I'd heard it felt better than this."

The two tried their best to get back to where they had been, but the forest was so overgrown and difficult to navigate this far in that they became hopelessly lost. The encroaching darkness did nothing to help their case, either. They might be ninja but, really, compasses aren't mandatory equipment and Naruto slept through most of his classes. Hinata might have been able to find her way home, but so enamored was she with the idea of spending the night in the wilderness with Naruto that she sort of...slept through those classes too, or something. Whatever he would buy.

Defeated, lost, and wishing he had brought a little more instant ramen with him, Naruto finally caved. "Alright, I guess we'll have to find a place to set up camp for the night."

Never having heard any other words that excited her more (that she hadn't recorded , anyway), Hinata was quick to agree. "We should find some water. I've been hearing some for awhile. Probably a little stream, but it's just what we need."

Not ready to admit he hadn't heard a damned thing, Naruto dipped a little and extended an arm, "Lead on, then!"

Sure enough, the heiress led him right to a brook leading out of a small body of water nearby. The water, itself, was surprisingly clear considering the location. Hanging branches and rustling leaves created a ceiling-like canopy. Thick roots popped in and out of the ground like moles, most eventually penetrating the brook's edge for a drink. And even though the leaves above moved under an unseen hand, no wind could break through the solidity of the forest to chill them.

Setting his supplies down on a firm, dry patch of earth by the brook, Naruto exhaled deeply and said, "I'm real sorry we didn't find the tiger, today. But I'll try even harder tomorrow! No dumb cat's gonna outsmart me!"

"N-No, it's ok, really! I don't mind at all. And things got a lot tougher...I mean, what kind of tiger makes fake tracks, after all?" The girl set her things down with Naruto's, wondering if her face gave away how excited she was.

"Yeah, that was weird. I don't know, I just kind of feel bad about it. I mean, you can't go home because of your dad. Not without the tiger, anyway. But what's worse is that I feel kind of stupid for not being able to find my way back home. I would have definitely let you stay at my place, tonight. I mean...Whoa, hey, are you ok?"

"Oh, yes," Hinata, beet red from both frustration at learning this (she could have gotten them home, noooo!), and from her mind instantly leaping to conclusions, had caused herself an intense nosebleed. "This happens, sometimes, I just need some tissues..."

Naruto handed the thoroughly embarrassed girl what little spare cloth he had to tend to herself and continued, "You just seem like someone who prefers to be indoors and clean, as opposed to outdoors and, well, covered in dirt. ...And blood."

"Th-That's not...well, I guess I don't really like being covered in dirt. And blood. But I'm ok, really. You're here, and that's-" Had she had a gun, which didn't even exist, Hinata would have shot herself there on the spot. Who says stuff like that!? CRAP, she was blowing it! And not even in the way she had imagined she might actually get to if she played her cards right!

Naruto, too, felt a wave of awkwardness crash over them. They were both dirty, sweaty, worn out from their fruitless struggles, and one of them was soaked in her own inexplicable nose blood. Hinata was a wealthy girl, but here he was making her sleep outside because of his own incompetence. Feeling very much like he had let her down and, to a lesser degree, himself, Naruto decided that he would at least try and make tonight comfortable. All of those factors taken into account, he said, "Hinata, why don't we take a bath?"

Hinata's nose had started to bleed again, but it only got worse when Naruto created three shadow clones. Each boy gave her a thumbs up and said, "I'm gonna take good care of you, tonight!"

-

Lee rolled over, eyes creaking open. Groggily, he muttered, "The nice guy pose...never fails..." He fell back to sleep with a smile.

-

"This is a technique that the pervy sage taught me," Naruto explained, finishing up the writing on the once blank tag. A little ways up the brook they found a wider, deeper stretch of water that would serve well as a bath. The well-meaning ninja set the tag on the edge of the water, grinning broadly. "Check it out." He pressed a finger to the tag, and the water began to bubble and warm up. "It's a homemade jacuzzi!"

"W-Wow, that's im-impressive..." Hinata admitted, dipping a toe into the water. Sure enough, it was the perfect temperature.

"Gotta hand it to him. I thought it was a dumb move that wouldn't ever really come in handy, but look at that. The old perv's coming through for me, finally!"

"U-Um, what about...what about the other three? Are...Are they going to join us?"

Mistaking the hope in her voice for confusion, Naruto replied, "Oh, no. They all have other jobs to take care of. Number one is going to take care of dinner, number two is in charge of making our place to sleep, and number three is checking the area out to make sure the tiger's not around, just in case."

Thoroughly impressed with her crush's taking care of business, the girl could only stand there timidly, blushing and smiling.

"Well, I guess you go ahead and...you know, take care of the whole bathing thing. I'm gonna go and see if any of them need...What?"

"You mean you're not...not gonna be joining me?"

"Uuuhhhh..." The boy's brain popped and fizzled for a few seconds before it finally caught and started back up. "I hadn't planned to, I mean...I don't know, it seems kind of boundary crossing and...not like something I would normally do."

Hinata's throat was doing its best to close up, despite her best efforts at not letting it. _'Come on, come on, take the chance! I've never had this much time with him, and it feels right! Just ask him to join you! You can DO IT, come on!' _"I-I just wouldn't feel right...you're doing all of this nice stuff for me...Helping me look, and now taking such good care of me, even though you don't have to at all. I'm...I-I'm not getting in here unless you do, too. You deserve it, t-too. After all, it's dark, and I trust you..." And Hinata's balls finally dropped, and she became a man. ...Only in woman's terms.

And something in Naruto told him to go ahead and do it. Of course, common sense and decency told him it was foolish, but something else in there suggested that it was not. She was insisting, after all, so it would be rude at this point to protest any further, wouldn't it? Then that something...it wasn't concerned with being rude. In fact, it was telling him to start undressing. Now. What the heck was going on? "Well...Ok, I guess if that's the way you want it."

-

_Naruto number 1!_

"I know I saw those dumb mushrooms around here, somewhere..." The Naruto was scrounging around on his hands and knees, trying rather futilely to find the fungi he had spotted earlier. They were very good for you, he recalled. The pervy sage had told him so. What were the exact words he had used? It was hard to remember...

'_Naruto, these mushrooms are very important, and you would do well to recognize and grab them whenever you can. They are edible, and it's always important to make sure you have a sufficient store of food with you. Also, for the times when you can't, it's good to know what you can take from the land. But these mushrooms dwarf all of that. They're important for what they do. These mushrooms, my young pupil, will completely energize the eater in the most important of ways! It will give you enough energy to go all night long, and fill you with the desire to work and grind harder than you ever have. It's an extremely powerful aphrodisiac. Seriously, they'll make you so hard you could just stick it right in a bowling ball, and bowl a full game. No lie.'_

While some of that didn't make sense to him (what the heck did aphrodisiac mean?), the rest seemed pretty good. They were exhausted from their journeys during the day, so to be completely re-energized sounded cool. He loved working hard and grinding out a full days worth of activity. And bowling? Who didn't enjoy bowling a game every now and then? "I bet I could make a mean stew out of these things if I could just...THERE!" He plucked up a couple of fistfuls of the red and white-speckled mushrooms. He sat there for a second, then groaned in disappointment. "Mario picks up a mushroom like this and doubles in size. I pick one up but do I double in size? No, of course not." ...Well, not yet.

-

_Naruto number 2!_

"Na, na na na nah, na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah, na na na nah!"

Dancing and throwing things around seemingly indiscriminately, the Naruto continued to rock Ini Kamoze's not-present face with his rendition of the Hotstepper song. ...We'll stop there.

-

_Naruto number 3!_

As luck would have it, this Naruto actually had picked up on some fresh tiger tracks. Even better, they led out to a small clearing where, clear as day, there was the tiger. Only it wasn't alone. There were two other tigers with it! One of them was lost in deep sleep, but the biggest of them was wide awake, perched up behind the other non-sleeping tiger. It was rocking around awkwardly, in a position that didn't look particularly natural. ...Or, geez, maybe it was way too natural...

"Oh, oh God, that's great. Yeah, I definitely needed to see that," Naruto grunted to himself, trying and failing to pry his eyes away. Yeah, those definitely weren't off-colored tennis balls.

The tiger must have felt the stare on his balls, because it turned to look over it's shoulder at Naruto, who was peeking over a bush. The tiger never stopped doing its thing, but their eyes met and intentions were most certainly exchanged.

Tiger: Holy-! What the f...Get the hell outta here! OCCUPIED, OCCUPIED.

Naruto: The gigs up. I've caught you, mister.

Tiger: Oh my God, dude...Don't be that guy.

Naruto: You put me through a lot of crap, today.

Tiger: Seriously, you don't know what kind of crap I'VE been put through. I haven't busted a nut in MONTHS. I broke these bitches free for this, I need this shit!

Girl Tiger: Who you callin' a bitch?

Tiger: Not you baby, not you, you're great, I was talking about that sleeping bitch over there.

Naruto: You know you're coming back with me, right?

Tiger: Man, I'll go with you anywhere if you let me have tonight. I swear to Hello Kitty, I'll go with you tomorrow.

And so the moment passed. Naruto nodded once to the humping tiger, and the tiger nodded back. The ninja then left them in peace.

-

"So..."

"So..."

"...Come here often?"

Hinata couldn't help but laugh. It had been excruciatingly awkward for the first couple of minutes, but Naruto had begun to say random things like that to help ease the tension. Between them was one of the thirsty tree roots, providing just enough room between them that they could only see the other's neck and face. Under the root, however, was nothing but water. All the girl could think about was how perfect it would be to hold his hand. Not to mention how simple a task it would be to do so. Unfortunately, sometimes it just happened to be that the simpler something was, the more impossible it felt.

'_Come on, Hinata, just reach out and grab his hand! I know I can do it!'_ Well, at least that's what she kept telling herself. The reality of it was that every time she tried to do it, her arm lost all of it's feeling, save for an extreme tingling, as though it had fallen into a heavy sleep. _'Oh my gosh, I'm such a loser!'_

"Hinata, have you been...wanting something from me?" Naruto asked, glancing sidelong at her from over the root.

Unsure of how to process the question, properly at least, Hinata replied, "I-I couldn't ask for anything m-more! You've been so wonderful to me, always. I...I've always admired you, and...um, n-no, why!?"

He cast her a grin of relief, "Nah, it's nothing. I just had this crazy idea in my head...I've sort of been working myself up over something someone said to me a little while ago. It was just a joke, too. I mean, a half-joke. And uh...hahaha, it seems kind of silly, now, when I really think about it. Let me just that for the first time in awhile I feel...happy. Really happy."

"R-R-Really?" The boy nodded back to her. "B-Because of...me?"

"I think so, yeah. Most everything I've done lately's been because of you, actually. Now that I've talked to you and spent some time with you, I feel so much better."

Taken aback so far she was almost back aforward, Hinata's mind shot out the gate like a racehorse towards everlasting sugar cubes. _'Was that a declaration of love!? I mean, it must have been! Why else would he say something like that!? And, and, and, he's doing all of this stuff for me, and now he says that everything he's done is for me!'_ Newfound resolve and a burning hope in her gut gave Hinata the strength she needed to finally regain control of her arm. It was time. Time to hold his hand. And so the girl closed her eyes, blushed her deepest blush, and reached over, taking a hold of the first thing she found. Funny how little it felt like a hand. In fact, it felt more like...

"HELLOOOOOOO!" Naruto howled.

Realizing what she had done and what she currently had clutched in her hand, Hinata's head snapped back and blood burst forth from her nose in spectacular fashion. It was like a red firework had gone off in her face. She went belly up in the bubbling water, though her hand never released its captives.

"OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!" Naruto tried to move as best he could to ease the horrible pain the girl was unintentionally inflicting upon him. His hands initially shot out to his sides in fright, but he quickly redirected them down low to pry Hinata's hand off. Good God, why did girls have such long nails!? Once he was free, he swept over to the floating girl and scooped her out of the water, all the while keeping his eyes either closed or straight ahead. "I'm not looking, I'm not looking!" He repeated to himself.

Naruto number two rushed over, towel in hand. They quickly bundled the girl up, both doing their best not to peek at anything they shouldn't be peeking at. Once she was all covered up, the two carried her over to the makeshift camp where their dinner was waiting, along with a homemade tent of sticks and leaves. A tiny fire was up, and all four Narutos were reunited.

"So...what the heck happened?" One of them asked.

"Well, she grabbed my peep and dangles and then blacked out. Y'know, after losing enough blood that I'm wondering how she survived."

Another one asked, "What, you mean she had a nosebleed?"

"Yeah."

"...Like the pervy sage does when he's doing something pervy?"

"No, she told me earlier that she just has nosebleeds sometimes."

"Oh yeah, she did say that earlier," Naruto four put in. "Right after...oh, right after you said you would have taken her back to your place."

All four Narutos fell silent, each looking at the other nervously. One of the four finally said, "You don't think she took that the wrong way, do you?"

"Uh, I'm not so sure, now."

"Yeah, that is kind of a weird coincidence."

"Hinata always was kind of an odd girl."

"Well then does that mean she had a nosebleed because she grabbed peepers or what!?"

"Oh, dude, that means she liked it!"

"Did you like it!?"

"No, holy crap, it hurt! She has a death grip, I'm telling you!"

"The only time anyone should be grabbing that is when they need to go. Period."

"Let's not even use that word. I can barely stand it, anymore."

"Oh, hey, while we're on the subject of, you know, balls and the like, I found the tiger. He was with two girl tigers. They're gonna meet up with us in the morning."

"Oh, awesome! Nice work. But...wait, how do you know he's gonna meet up with us?"

"Oh, trust me, I know."

"I guess that sort of explains how he was able to make fake tracks so quick without us having time to catch up."

"Oh yeah, I wondered about that. The forest's so thick that we must have missed the other tracks and thought it was only one tiger. Remember, we even lost them a couple of times."

"Yeah. That, or they were going piggy-back."

Naruto laughed for a moment before saying, "I love you guys." He then released the seal and found himself alone with Hinata. It turned out that everything worked out for the best, after all. Except now he had the mental image of the tigers getting it on. Yeah, could have done without that. He noticed the girl shiver slightly and asked, "Hinata? Are you ok?" He received no response. "I guess you're really worn out, huh?" That and she'd donated enough of the red stuff to the brook to open up a new blood bank. Though she didn't speak, the girl did shiver again. He knew what he needed to do.

The blond scooted the naked but toweled girl as close to the fire as he safely could, then ever-so-gently dabbed away the beads of water from her exposed limbs and face. His fingers lingered by her cheek, only falling away to slide a wet lock of hair behind her ear. "Hinata..." He whispered. Still, she did not stir. She was so soft. He always knew she was gentle, but she seemed so cute and innocent, then. He thought back to his kiss with Sakura. Her lips had been so warm and soft...When Temari had kissed him in that bar, hers had been the same. So...would Hinata's?

He was hardly aware of it, but the entire time he had been thinking, he had been slowly lowering his face towards hers. He got to the point where he could feel her soft breathing on his lips. He was ready to find out if she was as warm and soft as he thought, as gentle and as sweet as he imagined. And before he found out, before all thought and reason flew from his mind, one little memory flashed through his head. _"After all, it's dark, and I trust you..."_ I trust you.

Just slivers away, Naruto pulled back and let out a deep sigh. He conjured up a shadow clone and started, "I need you to do a couple of things for me. First, I just can't eat right now and Hinata's not gonna be, either. Let's save the food for another time. Second, please put any spare blankets on Hinata so she doesn't get sick. Third, make sure the fire is well contained after you do the fourth thing. The fourth one is the most important..."

-

Hinata woke slowly, comfortably. She was covered in blankets and warm as she could want. She practically jumped out of her skin when she found a tiger on either side of her, however, still deep asleep. As quietly as she could, she rose from her sleeping place, blankets and towels falling away, to find Naruto a few yards away. The biggest tiger was curled up next to him for three cats in all. Most perplexing of all, however, was that Naruto was bound up tightly in rope, sleeping peacefully. "N-Naruto!" She gasped, confused and nervous.

Naruto's eyes fluttered open. He looked around, glad to see the tigers had shown up, after all. His gaze then fell on Hinata's naked form.

Upon seeing the crimson flow from his nose, along with his enormous eyes, the heiress looked down at herself. Naked. Of course.

"KYAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

_-----Author's other note: Ah, super Mario mushroom soup of doom. I wonder when you will be unleashed upon the world? Thanks for reading...-----_


	22. They Talk Like They Have Two Mouths

_-----Author's note: Been thinking of this one for a little while. Let's see what we can come up with, here... I do not own Naruto, but any other characters and ideas are my own. Enjoy...-----_

"And he was so grateful he gave you permission to attend the Hyuuga Ball, this year?"

"Pft, no. That's how it should have happened, but he's kind of a jerk. Hinata begged and he caved."

The young Uchiha sighed a sad sigh, "Even after you brought back the missing tigers. Tell you what, money can make people ass holes."

"...Wasn't the Uchiha clan well-to-do?" Naruto asked back.

"Yep."

"I guess that explains a lot."

"It helps me sleep better."

The two friends had been reunited after their respective missions had been accomplished. One, tiger hunting. The other, retrieving a captive. They had just finished exchanging stories and information. Sasuke had been kind enough to tell Naruto of his discoveries of the female anatomy at his apartment, so the blond had been able to vomit into a toilet. A luxury the raven-haired boy had not been afforded. Once mouthwash, video games, and conversation had been had by all, the two decided to go out for a bite to eat. It was on the way to Ichiraku's that they were accosted by an older lady.

"You two, there, hold on!" The granny called out, hobbling towards them.

"Look, lady," Sasuke barked back, "I already told you, I'm not interested! Butterscotch or not!"

"No, no, this isn't about that," The woman crowed. Naruto raised an eyebrow at Sasuke, who simply shook his head and grunted unhappily. "There is a terrible ruckus going on in the house next door to mine! I've tried to get help, but none of the older ninja will bother with me!"

"I can't imagine why."

Naruto whacked Sasuke on the arm and asked, "What is it, old lady? Do you think it's a fight?"

The old lady leaned in and whispered in a high-pitched old lady whisper, "It sounds like a barnful of sinful, flesh-crazed beasts!"

Both boy's eyes narrowed simultaneously. This sounded dangerous. "Tell us where it is!"

An old hand directed them with a bony finger down the street, "It's the third house on the right towards the end of the street! And boys!" They glanced over their shoulders at their quest-giver, already small for the distance between them, "Watch out for the guard!"

Sure enough, the closer they drew to the house the more clearly they could hear the sounds of a heated battle. A woman let out what might very well have been a death cry, causing both ninja to falter a split second. Were they too late? Was that a friend falling? And it was in that second that the guard they had been warned of appeared before them in the middle of the street, both arms out to his sides. Sasuke crouched down and slid by him, his hair brushing the limb above him. Naruto, however, was successfully clotheslined. He performed an acrobatic, albeit unintentional, back flip, landed on his face, and slid to a stop beside his friend.

"Smooth," Sasuke grunted.

"Shut up," Naruto snapped back, spitting out a wad of dirt.

"Where are you two off to in such a hurry?" The guard asked, turning to face them. It turned out to be none other than...

"Tenzo! What the heck's your problem!?" The blond fumed.

"We were told of a dispute in this house, here," Sasuke motioned with the tilt of his head, "Didn't you hear the scream?"

A slight tinge of red in his cheeks and nose, Tenzo nodded, "Damn skippy I heard it. Half the friggin' neighborhood heard it. But I was told to make sure they were left alone to take care of their business."

"Told by who?"

"By Genma, of course."

"Genma's in there?"

A roar pierced the air, barely muffled by the walls that contained it. The sound of breaking glass and perhaps a bookcase falling over were heard right after. Six or seven kunais busted through the wall, their edges glistening in the sunlight.

"Ah, relax, he's fine. It's just him and-"

The door burst open and Genma's head stuck out. They could all see that at least the top half of him was naked and sweaty. He had red marks all over him, apparently from claws of some sort. "Tenzo!" The ninja shouted feverishly, "I need some help!"

An eyebrow just barely raised, the addressed jonin mumbled, "They hardly ever ask me to help..." He walked over to see what was up. The two exchanged words for a moment, but that was all the time it took for a hand to grab Genma by the back of the neck and pull him back into the house. Tenzo closed the door for them, then returned to the two boys. "He's down to two condoms. He wants me to go get him some more."

It took the boys a moment, but they recalled what a condom was from their foray into Anko's basement. Perhaps that sweat had actually been water, then, and they were having an insane flavored-water-balloon battle inside the house. Yeah, that definitely put all of the pieces together. The boys did not know at this time, however, that they were about to learn the horrible truth about the deliciously flavored water balloons they had come to love and respect. Tenzo was trying to figure out whether he should go and get the condoms himself and ask the genin to guard the house, or have the genin get the condoms and he stay on watch. It didn't take him long to imagine this little ditty...

"_Sasuke, Sasuke, come on, let's take a look!"_

"_I can't. I'm too busy looking at myself in this mirror."_

"_If we look through the window, we can see BOOBS."_

"_...If I look just right, I can see myself in the glass, but at the same time see the BOOBS. You're right."_

_The two boys scrambled up to the window and visually gorged themselves._

"_Man, my hair looks metro-tastic today."_

"_I'm as hard as a brick of uncooked ramen, right now."_

"Yeah, forget that crap. You two go and get the condoms, I'll stay and keep watch. Here," He handed them a few bills, "That'll be enough for a box. A big box. Don't skimp. There's a bit extra so get a candy bar or something for a reward."

"When the hell did we agree to be your errand boys?" Sasuke demanded, "You think a candy bar is enough to buy my time?"

Sadly, Naruto was already rounding the street corner. "Come on, Sasuke, I wants some candeh!"

Tenzo waved the genin off, "Hurry up. Off to your 'candeh'."

-

And so our two heroes found themselves in the toy aisle of the nearest store, fruitlessly searching for the condoms.

"Sasuke," Naruto waved his comrade over, "I found the regular water balloons. Shouldn't the condoms be right here with them?"

With a shrug of relevant indifference, the Uchiha replied, "Do you think he'd just settle for regular old water balloons? This is a waste of time. We still haven't gotten lunch, either."

"You turn into such a girl when you're hungry, geez."

"Yeah, I turn into your mom."

"Oh, oh that's good. Real original there."

"I thought you'd like that one."

Having seen the two boys looking rather lost, a helpful young employee came up to assist them. "Do you two need help with anything?" She asked sweetly, looking from one to the other.

Taking the initiative as he was more than ready to be done with this dumb errand, the Uchiha up and asked, "Where are the condoms? My friend and I need them. The quicker the better, I can't even explain some of the cravings I'm having, right now."

Naruto wondered if that meant weird combos like peanut butter and pickles or ketchup and bologna. The employee wondered if that meant a wrap-around or a Cleveland steamer. She voiced her thoughts subtly. "I get off in thirty minutes."

"...Where are the condoms, lady?" The second boy asked her.

-

"I still don't get why these things are over here with the pharmaceutical stuff."

"I don't get what that lady was talking about space docking for. What the hell does space have to do with anything?"

Naruto shrugged, looking around him at all of the little boxes. "I guess she thinks we're out of this world."

"...You make me hate you, sometimes. Let's just grab a box and get out of here. I'm starving."

His friend, however, wasn't in such a hurry to leave. "Well, hang on a second. If we had someone getting these for us I know I'd want them to take their time and get the right one. So, think for a minute. Which of these would you want?"

Shikamaru Nara, out to buy some things for his mom, spotted his two friends and hurried up to them from behind only to hear Sasuke say, "Dude, if I'm gonna have a condom in my mouth you know I'm gonna pick a grape flavored one every time." He quickly wheeled around and made off in the opposite direction. He'd always figured Sasuke for one of those, but Naruto!? Maybe he was bisexual...

"Right, I kind of figured you'd say that. But...some of these aren't flavored. What's up with that?" The curious fox picked up one of the non-flavored boxes and read the print on the front, "...A vibrating ring of pleasure? What does that mean?"

Sasuke did likewise, reading from the front of the box, "This one says it has a special gel on it to enhance a woman's pleasure. ...Does that mean it feels good when you get hit by it? But why only for women?"

"Well, hang on, this one says it has the feel-good gel for men AND women. It's a warming gel." He dropped this box to the ground as well. They were making quite a mess.

"I guess it'd be cool to get hit with warm water instead of cold water."

Naruto readily agreed with this, but something didn't seem right. The next box seemed a bit more malevolent. "This one here says it is a pleasure inhibitor for men, and that it increases their stamina."

"So you sacrifice a bit of happiness to become a bit stronger, huh? I like the sound of that."

"You know it's weird that there are so many different kinds of these balloons. You'd think we would have heard of this kind of extreme water balloon fighting long before now...And then on top of that..."

With a nod of agreement, Sasuke added, "The shape is also a bit strange. It's not particularly well suited to throwing, unless you can chuck it like a spear. Sort of like a cucumber." He saw Naruto narrow his eyes and, subsequently, saw them glaze over. "Oh. You're thinking. Ok, well...I'll be here when you get back."

Indeed, the young man was thinking. Hard. On some level it added up just fine, but something wasn't right and he knew it. He definitely should have heard of this game a long time ago. Even Sasuke, who had always been pretty popular, wasn't aware of their existence until just recently. Well, perhaps they'd never heard of it before because these things weren't actually water balloons. They weren't with the other ones, at least. Then that opened up a brand new question, and this question was the one that needed answering. If they weren't water balloons, then what were they?

The first thing that came to mind was a surprisingly tasty snack. He felt comfortable in casting that idea out, however. Not all of them were flavored, so surely they weren't snacks. After all, there are several different kinds of Teddy Grahams. Those are snacks because they're all edible, least of all flavored. So the same rule should follow for condoms. Alright, so if not snacks or balloons, then what else could they be? Perhaps they were used to hold something? That didn't seem very likely, however, due to their relative stickiness. Who wanted to goo up their belongings by putting them in a messy container? ...Hm, but that didn't seem enough to discount it as a container of some sort. The closest thing it related to in its build material was a rubber glove, and the rubber glove was used to hold ones hand, of course. The glove was shaped to fit ones hand into. What else if not a hand would fit into a glove so snugly? If the condom was actually a container, then the same rule should apply. What would fit into a condom other than what the condom was meant to fit? Sasuke said it well when he said it was shaped like a cucumber. But who had ever heard of a cucumber holder? And that was when several things came together for our young friend. He recalled a few things from his recent experiences.

_Iruka: "Uh...you should probably get married before having sex, but you don't have to. Oh, also, make sure you wear protection, Naruto! ...Yeah, I know you have to be naked to do sex, but...did you just say 'do sex'?"_

Oh...

_The prodigy froze up, his mind started buzzing as he tried to figure that one out. How DID girls pee? They didn't have the right equipment to tend to such manly affairs, so what on earth did they do in the bathroom? Sure, they could always SAY they were going to pee, while they really wanted to take care of their numbers twos.....Or would that be number ones for girls? But if they couldn't pee (which they quite obviously were physically incapable of doing)..._

...My...

"_Since girls don't get stiffies, what happens to them?" She waited for a second, but Sasuke was trembling and seemed unable or unwilling to answer. He feared, in the depths of his stomach, that he knew the answer, though. "That's right, you little greenhorn. The girl oozes the baby oil to slick up the cock!"_

...Goodness...

"_I'm going to...I'm going to watch it again. Seriously, there's something about sex that we must be missing. A secret, or something."_

_Stopped outside the bathroom door, Sasuke replied, "Maybe it had something to do with that...thing...he put on..."_

"_The water balloon? Maybe...we'll have to find out why he did that, 'cause I have no idea."_

...Gracious.

Sasuke swept over and caught Naruto, who had turned green and stumbled to a knee. "Whoa. Are you alright?"

Big fearful eyes looked back up at him, glistening with revelation and purity. "Sasuke...I figured it out. I know what the condoms are..."

"Well how about you quit trailing off dramatically and fill me in?"

"They're actually...they're the protection that you're supposed to wear during sex."

"Pull the other one!"

"No, really! Think about it!"

The other young man did this for a moment. He mulled over the action itself, and it fit. Uncomfortably so. "Uh..." He mumbled, not sure what to say. "You know, um...well, I guess if I was ever going to...you know, do that, I would want something on to keep from actually touching anything. ...Yeah."

"But there's more to it than all of that..." The fox whispered, his enlightenment reaching further and burning brighter than Sasuke could even fathom.

"I don't know if I can take any more big time revelations, just yet. You go ahead and keep that one to yourself."

"The women lack a peep, but they have something that we do not in the same place."

"...Nothing? Good, let's stop there."

"They have a second mouth."

-

Sakura dropped her guard, allowing Ino the opening she needed to land a solid punch to the jaw. The pink-haired girl went staggering, and Ino allowed her time to regroup. "Come on, it's hardly considered training if you're just gonna let me hit you like that. What's up?"

Rubbing her now sore cheek, Sakura replied, "I don't know, but...I think I'm gonna hit Naruto the next time I see him."

"Ooh, can I help? He didn't let me finish, last night."

"Wh-What?"

"Oh, don't worry, I was just dreaming."

"Why shouldn't I worry!?"

-

"H-How do you figure that?"

Trembling a little in his fevered epiphany, Naruto explained, "Think about it. Why else would some of the condoms be flavored? Vibrating rings, enhanced pleasure, come on! Girls are much more easily orally stimulated than guys are! Think about chocolate! And how they don't pee! It's also so they don't have to taste pee! And what Tayuya told you! Compare that to your mouth when you get hungry! When you think about delicious ramen, or when you bite into a sour apple, your mouth pumps out juices! She said that when a girl is ready for the sex, she pumps out juices, too!"

"Naruto, you're gonna make me get sick again."

"But it makes sense, doesn't it!?"

Unwillingly, the Uchiha nodded. "It...does. Everything you said sounds right. And...to make it worse..."

"You've got more?"

"I read in Cosmo that part of what girls have down there is called labia. I'm not real sure about it, but the nickname they use for them is...lips."

Thoroughly floored from all of this, both boys lay down on the ground. It was cold and felt nice. Naruto didn't even have the presence of mind to ask Sasuke if he had really been reading Cosmo. He'd give him crap, later. He now had a very important question to ask the next girl he could. One he was close enough to, of course,

They weren't sure how much time had passed by the time Asuma walked over to them. The jonin looked down at the two boys, then reached over and grabbed a box of condoms. "Tenzo's been waiting for these. Genma's on his last one. Shizune's gonna go nuts if they have to stop. She's been such a wreck lately, too much stress with the shortage of shinobi. Don't worry, fellas. I'll get these to 'em. ...Guys?" He looked down to find that they were both now foaming at the mouth, eyes glazed over. "HEY! Snap out of it! ...I need a medic!"

-

A solid black panel split into two uneven ones, pure checkered white in the center. Fuzzy at first, but always clearing, a hospital room eventually took form. "Hey, he's waking up!" A voice said. Naruto looked around, rubbing his eyes. He was in a bed. He spotted Sasuke in a similar position on the other side of the room, a scowl on his face. "Are you alright, Naruto?" The voice was Sakura's.

"Wh-What happened to you? We were...I was so worried!" This one was Hinata's.

"They found you two lying on the ground in front of the condoms, surrounded by boxes of them you'd thrown to the floor, with white stuff all over your faces. You wanna explain that one or is it better in my head?" This one, of course, was Ino's.

"Why are you all around Naruto's bed!?" Sasuke snapped, "I'm in a bed, too!"

Naruto could only think to ask one thing, however, tossing their concerns to the wind. "Have any of you ever eaten a meal with your va-" His head busted through the bed and pounded against the floor under Sakura's mighty fist.

Ino laughed, "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten you'd said you were gonna do that..."

Head embedded into the tile, Naruto's weak voice whimpered, "...I-I forgot to get...my candy..."

_----Author's other note: -IMPORTANT!- I strongly advise you not look up what space docking is. I was looking for something perverted, but that's on it's own level. I was happier not knowing, and you're happier not knowing. Should you choose to go against my advice and look anyway, well, that's your own mistake. If you already know what it is, I am sorry. Again, don't look. Could I go back and unlook, I would. Just a hazard of the job, I'll keep telling myself..._

_Ahem, on another note...To inflate my ego (because I love myself so much), I decided to see how I ranked up with other writers at Mediaminer. The story over there with the most hits has over ONE MILLION. That's well over fifty times what I have over there! Consider me humbled. I really have a long way to go._

_...And I remember when I stumbled upon a flavored condom for the first time and had the same thought as Naruto. I briefly wondered if they could actually taste down there...Ah, the innocence of YOUTH._

_Thanks, everyone, for reading!-----_


End file.
